Silence

The irony of writing a post on silence today lies in the fact that the current group of middle schoolers is very loud and I have spent much of my day yelling to be heard.  Not mad yelling, just loud so they would actually hear me over their own cacophony and stop talking long enough to hear the instructions.  This group is a lot of fun--no troublemakers per se, just plenty of kids who want to do their own thing and aren't afraid to say it.  For the record though, most of them play most of the games with good attitudes, and listen and participate in the lessons.  It'll be interesting to watch the kids become more themselves and stop worrying about impressions and testing boundaries as the week goes on, and learn where they're at on personal levels.  Let me just reiterate how much I freaking love the Midkids.  Middle schoolers are the best and I am SO glad I get to work with them all summer!  I can't remember if I've talked about this already but they are just such an interesting age because they're in a time of transition between kid and young adult, and there are definitely aspects of both age groups which makes for a very unique amalgamation.  There is also a huge range of maturity levels, even though it only spans ages 11-13 (with the occasional 10 or 14 year old).  All that to say, middle schoolers are great.  They're (usually) young enough to be fun, but also old enough to understand deeper things that elementary kids don't quite get.  We as staff get great enjoyment from the kids' "I'm too cool for games/camp songs/dancing/being as ridiculous as the leaders" attitudes that sometimes surface, and the presence of deadly cooties that are spread when two people touch each other in any way (quelle horreur!).  At the beginning of the summer I was kind of hoping to get Midkids because it's an age group that I hadn't worked with before, and I had heard how fun and rewarding it was to work with middle schoolers.  Well folks, it's true!  They're great.

Now to the topic at hand: the value of silence.  This is a lesson God taught me the past semester of school and I've been waiting to write about it until a time when I had nothing else huge to post about.  If you've read my older posts, you may remember that I was sick a lot last semester and the body part that suffered the most was my poor vocal cords.  I was on vocal rest a lot, which meant that I would go eat with my friends in the dining commons and just sit silently while everyone else talked.  As annoying as that was sometimes, God really taught me how incredibly important silence can be, and how much a relationship can benefit when one person shuts up and lets the other person talk.  Here's a quote from my journal from Feb 28: "Being silent has allowed me to observe and listen and realize how trivial my opinion is.  It's been a good lesson that I never expected to learn."  I normally talk a lot, and I like to share with other the things that I notice.  Being the talkative and observant person that I am, that means that I am often blurting out random things that I want others to see or enjoy, which too often meant interrupting someone (example: having a conversation in the car and spotting something extremely fascinating out the window and butt in while the person is talking to insert my comment of aforementioned fascinating thing).  God helped me to realize that while my opinion is important, there are so many times where the other person isn't going to miss out on anything huge if I don't tell them, but they will greatly benefit from me giving them my undivided attention and just listening, without blurting unrelated things, enjoyable though they may be.

All semester I was praying for God to give me humility and help me be a reflection of Him in my relationships, and this silence thing fit right in.  The whole premise of loving someone as Jesus did is loving them first, before me.  That means when they want to talk, I listen, and when I want to talk, I make sure the other person doesn't want to talk first.  I don't hesitate to assert myself when I want to say something or make my opinion known, and while this is not a bad thing it is also really important for me to remember to give others the chance to be heard.  The journal entry in the previous paragraph was written on a day of vocal rest that I had had dinner with one of my friends.  We're really good friends and we talk about all kinds of things, but that night I realized how much more he had to say when given the chance.  Both of us were surprised at the things he shared because I was quiet and just let him talk, and it was a really sweet conversation.  That meal was what made the value of silence click in my head.  And relationships with people are not the only thing that benefit from selfless listening and silence--when we are quiet in God's presence, He is there, whether he speaks or not.  Psalm 46 says "Be still, and know that I am God."  Psalm 37 says "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him."  Stillness, silence and solitude.  Those things are hard to put into effect, especially when life presents a million things to do and worry about and plan and memorize and study--which, let's be honest, is most of the time.  But when silence becomes a priority, relationships will change.  People will be encouraged.  It's not always easy to make time and especially find a place to be silent before God, but it is absolutely invaluable.  I need to do it more--a lot more.

In Exodus 14, Pharaoh has already let the Israelites go and he is already regretting his decision.  He sends his men out in chariots to find his freed slaves, and meanwhile the Israelites (such whiners!) are terrified and complaining to Moses about dying in the desert and thinking they would have been better off as slaves again.  If I were Moses, I would be pretty annoyed and just want to roll my eyes and say "Forget it, I'm going to the Promised Land without you and you can just make your own town right here--Whinerville."  I don't know what his attitude was but his response was simple and poignant:

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

Reason to sing

Well, Fridays seem to be the day for blog posts this month.  At least, I posted last Friday so now it's sort of a pattern.  We'll see about next week.  But for real though, Fridays seem to have taken on the theme "Trust God because He's faithful--every time! and 1 Cor. 15:58."  Today was the second time I did the gospel presentation and led worship as the sole vocal, me on keyboard and Esteban on guitar.  I always feel a little stressed out on Friday mornings because it's an important session and I have to make sure everything goes smoothly.  Thankfully I have the joy of working with awesome staff who stay calm and get games going when my head is focusing on the gospel message.  Today was no different: I was feeling slightly stressed and I knew that God had our time in His hands but I wasn't completely prepared and I forgot to make powerpoints for worship last night.

But God came through yet again and here's a cool thing.  This morning I reviewed my notes from last week that I used when I prepared my presentation, and thought Well, somehow I managed to do this last week without looking at my notes, but I definitely need them this time.  I can't remember all this!  I prayed that God would again speak through me and guess what--he did!  I did the whole message from memory, but it was not me.  One of my friends told me a saying that goes something like God is going to accomplish His purpose, and He's not going to let us get in the way.  That kind of sounds harsh, especially because God really does use us to speak to His people and expand His kingdom, but it is also true!  Today, God wanted those kids to hear about His love and He wanted them to hear it through Sarah's testimony and my gospel message--and He wasn't about to let my stress or inadequacies get in the way.  God can use anyone, and it doesn't matter if we feel like we have the skills.  I've heard people talk about how they've given a message or sermon or something and afterwards couldn't even remember what they said because it was just God speaking through them.  I had no doubt that that happens but it wasn't until today that I got my first personal taste of what God can do in that regard.  He is so awesome and so faithful!

This afternoon I was thinking about how grateful I am that I'm able to sing again!  My sickness was in full swing just a week ago, and normally my voice wouldn't come back this soon.  But I guess God wanted me to be able to lead worship today so He healed my throat, and I am so happy!  A chorus to a song popped into my head and it is perfect to describe how I'm feeling right now.

All of my life, in every season, You are still God.

I have a reason to sing!

I have a reason to worship.

I will bring praise, I will bring praise.

No weapon formed against me shall remain.

I will rejoice, I will declare,

God is my victory!

and He is here.

That's from Desert Song by Brooke Fraser/Hillsong (click the words to listen!).  I really like using song lyrics to express how I'm feeling to God because so often they articulate exactly how I feel much better than I could.  I love that God is constant no matter what, through every season of life.  That fact alone is reason to worship.  When Satan or anything else attempts to bring us down, I can rejoice in the victory God has already procured--and share His power and provision with others!

Two last things that aren't really related to anything but still deserve a spot on my blog:

1. I can't remember if I liked dodgeball as a kid; all I know is that gym balls are strangely attracted to my face--always have been, always will be (I think it's funny. just strange).  We play lots of gym games with the kids each week and I enjoy them--except dodgeball.  I don't know what it is, but I just can't get myself into the game and always end up halfheartedly standing in the middle weakly throwing balls (it's sad, I have literally no throwing power haha) and trying to catch them.  And then last night, my world was turned upside down.  Not really.  But somehow I unintentionally managed to get myself invested in a game of dodgeball and while I still utterly failed every time I tried to throw a ball, I actually had fun!  I caught several balls, and even hit someone for the first time!  Guys, this is a big accomplishment for me.  What do you know, dodgeball can be fun!

2. JJ Heller is one of my favorite Christian artists.  Her music is beautiful and full of godly wisdom, sweet stories, and adorable love songs that she writes with her husband.  God has spoken to me through her songs and I just can't speak highly enough of her and her music.  Anyway, she is having a deal on her website where all the albums are $5 each for digital download until the 21st!  I promise I'm not secretly a sales rep or something, I just love her and I want everyone to hear her music.  I just bought two CDs and they are great.  Just a small plug for a devoted Christian and awesome musician! :)

Alright, I'm done.  Don't forget God's incredible faithfulness, and don't be discouraged because your labor in the Lord is not in vain!

Not in vain

It is Friday afternoon.  The gospel presentation is done.  And it went so. well.

I woke up with a bad cold/flu yesterday and I knew it was only going to be worse this morning.  The message was outlined but I hadn't practiced it and there was still some more work to be done.  I literally had no idea what to do because all I wanted to do was go to bed so I could rest and help my body get better, but I needed to finish my lesson, but I didn't even know if I would be able to do it in the morning, but I didn't want to miss this important session... You get the idea.  I ended up working on it some more and got help from a couple friends (shout out to Brea and Rhett!) and went to bed at a reasonable hour.  This morning I got up after a fitful night of sleep and was choosing some songs and working on my lesson when I looked at my bulletin board and read a verse I had hanging there.  1 Corinthians 15:58:

"Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you.  Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

God really encouraged me through that verse this morning and gave me the strength to keep working.  I talked to my supervisor and he said I could sleep for a while longer and come in right before session if I was feeling okay.  I really did not want to miss it--I had been preparing for this message all week and I didn't want to back down now, and I wanted to be there for my kids.  I rested and went to session, my message barely ready.  But it all went amazing.  Esteban shared his testimony and did a great job, and Sarah stepped up and led most of the games.  I am so blessed to be working with such an awesome staff.  My message was not even rehearsed, but I barely used my notes and I said everything I wanted to say.  God really did come through and I am so thankful.  After I was done, we had a time where all the staff went around and prayed for the kids and that was pretty powerful too.  Most of the kids shared prayer requests and a lot of them were crying and it was really special to be able to pray with them.  At the end, we had a time where kids could share things that they learned over the week and one of the kids said, "I didn't know that Jesus died for us because he loved us so much."  I hope all of the kids understand God's huge love a little bit better after today, and I hope He keeps working in their hearts, growing the seeds that may have been planted.
I'm so thankful for God's faithfulness.  Today I gave myself to His work despite my sickness, and it was not in vain.

To Him be the glory.

Using the inadequate

When I came to Cannon Beach this summer, I was hoping to grow and be stretched.  Well, that time has come.  As I mentioned in the last post, every Friday we present the gospel to the kids, pray with them individually, and give them the invitation to talk to a leader about their lives and/or committing to Jesus.  For the past seven years, they've done it with middle school and high school combined and that's what we've done so far this summer.  But this week, we are going to change it up and keep the age groups separate, so that we can have a time with the kids that we've spent all week getting to know.  The point of all this is that this Friday, in three days, I am going to to present the gospel to 25 middle schoolers.  There are three Midkids staff on that day, and because this is the first week and I'm the most comfortable presenting, it'll be me.  Actually it will hopefully be God through me, because I have no idea what I'm doing.  I can teach a lesson, I can share my stories, but I feel like giving the gospel message in a meaningful and effective way is something that I'm completely unprepared to do.  I know lots of verses and I know what the gospel means to me, but I want to get the right message across to the kids and I want it to be God, not me.  I have two days to pray like crazy and work on my message.  The theme is transformation and I am also going to make it clear that at some point, following Jesus is a choice that you have choose yes or no, and then be all in.  Then I'm going to give the kids the invitation to commit or recommit their lives to Jesus, and each kid will get prayed for by a staff member.

I love working with kids and I've done it for a long time, but I'm no teacher.  I can do it, but teaching is not my forte.  I also am no speaker.  I like speaking to groups, and maybe God gives me important things to say, but I don't think speaking is a particular gift of mine.  That's why it's so cool that God still gives me opportunities to practice these skills and teach kids.  I am inadequate by myself, but God can still use me!  It reminds me of the story of Moses and Aaron in Exodus 4.  God tells Moses that he's the one to bring the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, and God gives Moses some miraculous signs (staff to snake, water to blood, etc) to show Pharaoh the power of God.  But Moses still isn't too comfortable with that idea and in verse 10 he says, "O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow of speech and tongue."  But God comes right back at him, saying, "Who gave man his mouth?  Who makes him deaf or mute?  Who gives him sight or makes him blind?  Is it not I, the Lord?

"Now go, I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say." (v. 11-12)

Unfortunately Moses' story has a slightly different ending than mine.  He still wasn't convinced and evoked the anger of God, and the Lord told Moses that his brother Aaron could do the speaking instead.  But I am deciding to trust God and do it myself.  Even though God wasn't speaking directly to me, I know he will do the same.  He will help me speak and teach me what to say.  I am not equipped to do this message on my own, but God is going to be by my side, and if I am invested and lost in him and his word in the days before my message, he will speak through me to those kids.

I want to be a missionary, and whether God calls me to the full-time mission field or not, the gospel message is something I need to be prepared to share.  I feel like everything in my life, all my spiritual growth up to this point, has been preparing me for this.  I still don't feel ready, but I trust that God will prepare me in his time.

In his time, in his time

He makes all things beautiful in his time

Lord please show me every day

As you're teaching me your way

And I'll do just what you say

In your time.

(Maranatha Music)