I don't really know how to explain things without going into detail, so please pardon my verboseness as I continue. (By the way, verboseness is indeed an actual word. I just looked it up on Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary--so take that, spellchecker!) Last Thursday evening I was preparing for a microbiology test the following morning, a test that I had only started studying for a few days prior because of other important school-related tasks. I had a big paper due this morning (Monday) at 8am, and several other things to do or plan hanging over my head, not to mention my hypochondriac tendencies which perpetually pervade my thoughts. Oh and I have also been praying for humility and selflessness, and not seeing a whole lot of improvement (or opportunities to practice, for that matter).
Anyway, all of that stuff had finally gotten to be too much, and I had a meltdown. I'll spare you the gory details, but at the root of it all I was very frustrated that I was unable to trust God fully and let Him have control of my life and my thoughts. I wanted to not worry because God tells me to trust Him. I wanted to remember the big picture because He works all things out for the good of those who love Him. I wanted to be selfless because I have the power of the Holy Spirit and His fruits. But I felt like I was failing in those areas. I felt like I had regressed from last year when God taught me SO much about His faithfulness and essentially took stress out of my life because I knew that He had control in the whole scheme of my life, and He would use me how He wanted. I've been re-memorizing Romans 8 and I just kept thinking about when it says those controlled by the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires (self) but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires (the glory of the Lord). I was deeply distressed because I felt like Satan had a hold of my mind, and I couldn't shake him.
I talked to my dad for a while and tried to pray, and was able to study a little bit that night. And the next day, God began to refresh me. The test went well, and the weather was beautiful, and I started to realize that even saying that Satan had control was a defeatist attitude. He DOES NOT have control over me. My sinful nature is powerful, but God is more mighty.
I had a productive weekend, turned my paper in this morning, and during physiology (my last class of the day) I started to get stressed again. I love physiology. It is fascinating and exciting and amazing to see all of the intricacies God placed in the human body. But to be honest, I have had a hard time keeping up in that class because we just cover SO much material so fast. Today I sat in class stewing and holding back tears as I again became overwhelmed thinking about how much I needed to get caught up. But this time, instead of giving up and admitting that Satan had control, I prayed that God would give me endurance and refreshed motivation. I came home and read Psalm 63, and kept praying. And soon enough, I was back on track. I am going to conquer this class! I am going to get caught up before the next test in a week and a half, and I'm going to get an A (and learn a lot!). I am going to trust God. It will not be easy, but I can do it--by His strength. And I will continue to pray that God will humble me and help me to have a Christlike and selfless attitude in all things.
I mentioned Psalm 63, and I can't remember why I started reading that a few days ago, but I know why I read it now. I heard a sermon recently reminding us that we need to come to God not just for the parts we want. Not just because I need reassurance, or strength, or peace. Not just because He gives me joy. Not just because I'm frustrated or worried and I need a heavenly kick in the pants. But because He made me, and He wants me to worship and glorify Him with every action and every thought. When I read the Bible, I will often find the verse that pertains to whatever I'm thinking about at the present time. But I want to get into the habit of worshiping God through scripture no matter what I feel like. David wrote Psalm 63 while hiding in the desert after fleeing from his son Absalom. David was alone in the hot wilderness, but he still chose to praise God. Here are verses 1-8.
Oh God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul longs for you,
in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.
The struggle is real, folks. I will be prayerfully pressing on to finish the semester strong (and you better believe that this prayer will continue once I start grad school!). But I have confidence that God will never fail, and He is more powerful than the devil or my sinful flesh.
In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!
