Well here I am. At a new place, with new people. A new unfamiliar campus to learn, a new job to get the hang of. A new dorm room/apartment and soon three new roommates. I am spending my summer working at Cannon Beach Conference Center, and I arrived today. It has been quite the day. Kind of a whirlwind of meeting people, unpacking my room, and touring campus. I felt like an overwhelmed freshman. It's strange because when I go back to school each semester, I have no problem saying goodbye to home and coming back to my Michigan home. But I was surprised to find out how hesitant I was to say goodbye to my family and hang out in my room by myself. Because none of my roommates are here yet, I am alone and the hall is pretty empty as well; only a few girls have moved in thus far. When my family left, I walked around in the room, feeling unsettled and unsure of what to do with myself. I decided to take a nap and journal a little bit. Today has been one of those days when I'm just glad to have God as my constant. Even when everything is new and overwhelming and I don't really know anyone yet, my God, my friend, is just as close as ever. I'm so thankful for his unfailing love.
Tonight I went to a church service with several people from CBCC and that was great. The pastor talked about Song of Solomon which was great! I never read that book because I want to understand it better so I love hearing teaching about it. Also, because the service was in Astoria, about 45 minutes away, I had some good getting-to-know-the-other-people-in-the-car time :) There are some really neat people at this place and I can't wait to see what relationships develop as the summer goes on! I am praying that God will keep me humble and open in every new relationship, not trying to impress anyone. I'm not the perfect Christian and neither is anyone else--so why try to seem like it? I'm just a bumbling human seeking and following a mighty God.
"But do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Immeasurably more
This is the story of how I recently came to the decision to go to PA school. I've been telling quite a few people recently so I thought I would write it down.
I have always been interested in science, and I've known that I wanted to go into the medical field since at least my sophomore year of high school. I've debated about what route to take to get into medicine, but I usually come back to medical school--why not shoot for the highest? But I have never felt settled about that plan. For years I've debated and analyzed and prayed about whether I should go to medical school to become a doctor, or PA school to become a physician assistant. These jobs are similar in many ways, but certain things also make them very different. For example, medical school is 4 years after undergrad, followed by at least 4 years of residency training in a specialty such as emergency medicine, surgery, or psychiatry. PA school is about 28 months, depending on the program. A residency is optional, but provides for more training in a particular specialty. A physician, graduate of medical school, is the top of the pecking order in any medical team. A PA, like an MD, can diagnose and treat illnesses and injuries, prescribe medications, and provide primary care, as well as assist in surgery. However, PAs are required to practice under the supervision of a doctor. This doesn't necessarily mean that PAs always have doctors breathing down their backs, and in many cases the supervising physician trusts their PA(s) and their expertise and the PAs can practice much like independent practitioners. Sorry for all the medical gibberish, but hopefully the two jobs make a little more sense now.
So, the debate. I have always had a hard time with the amount of time required to become a doctor. As a woman, I want to be available to stay home with my kids, at least when they're young. I would love to homeschool. If I went to medical school, I would finish residency no earlier than the age of 30, and that's a long time to wait to start a family. I once talked to a OB/GYN who is also a mom to little kids, and a missionary, and she said that while it is hard, if God is calling me to be a doctor, a missionary, and a mom, he will make it work. That was what I hung on to for several years, until God finally gave me his answer. I was talking to one of my friends and I can't remember the topic of conversation but he mentioned how important it was for him that his future wife stayed home with their kids. That got me thinking again and I realized how important that is to me too! God has given me a passion for medicine and serving him with that, but he has also wired me to be a mom and take care of my family. For me, that life does not include becoming a doctor. Medical school and the life of a physician requires first priority in life, and while I may think and talk about medicine all the time, it is not my first priority. That would be serving God and my future family. Now let me just say that I do NOT think it is inappropriate for a Christian female to become a doctor and even a mom--if God has called them to do it, that's great! It is just not for me.
Anyway, as this realization sunk in, it became extremely clear in my mind that going to PA school would allow me to do what I love and serve God through medicine, and still be able to stay home with my kids. One of the things that was keeping me stuck on medical school was the title and the authority of Doctor. It is pretty awesome to be able to introduce yourself to a patient as Dr. Something, or jump in in an emergency and say "Hang on, I'm a doctor!" It's also pretty nice to be the one giving orders, making executive decisions, and leading surgery. And while I don't think it's wrong to want or be excited for those things--it is a great accomplishment and a rewarding job, the title and authority should absolutely not be the reasons for attending medical school. I think I would love medical school and would do well (with a ton of hard work!) but I could not let go of that rank. I didn't want to be an "assistant." I didn't want to introduce myself as "Mrs. ____." I didn't want to "help" in surgery. So in the past, all attempts to convince myself that PA school was the way to go were completely futile, mostly for this selfish reason.
BUT. This time around was completely different. God finally showed me that my pride was getting in the way. I don't need an MD degree to serve him in medicine! I will be able to treat patients and show them the love of Christ as a physician assistant, and I can say completely honestly that I DON'T CARE about the title! I don't care that I'm not going to medical school and I am super excited for PA school and being a mom. When my other pre-med friends prepare for medical school and are accepted, I am happy for them and I know they will do great and have fun, but I don't want to be where they are. I want to go to PA school. There is no doubt in my mind that God completely changed my perspective and revealed his will by making a jumbly question mark clear in my mind. He answers prayer! He really does. He takes his own time, but it works. Ever since God answered this one, I have felt completely freed. I can be excited for having a family someday instead of stressed about how I'm going to make it work. I will only be in grad school for 2-3 years total and the specialty or area I work in after I graduate will be much more flexible. Letting go of medical school has been so good.
The decision to go to PA school is only one small part of my next few years, and there are many more decisions to be made, and many more questions to be answered. I have no idea how it will all work out, but luckily God does. I have to keep remembering that he can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). Crazy how that works. I'm so glad I don't have to figure life out on my own.
I have always been interested in science, and I've known that I wanted to go into the medical field since at least my sophomore year of high school. I've debated about what route to take to get into medicine, but I usually come back to medical school--why not shoot for the highest? But I have never felt settled about that plan. For years I've debated and analyzed and prayed about whether I should go to medical school to become a doctor, or PA school to become a physician assistant. These jobs are similar in many ways, but certain things also make them very different. For example, medical school is 4 years after undergrad, followed by at least 4 years of residency training in a specialty such as emergency medicine, surgery, or psychiatry. PA school is about 28 months, depending on the program. A residency is optional, but provides for more training in a particular specialty. A physician, graduate of medical school, is the top of the pecking order in any medical team. A PA, like an MD, can diagnose and treat illnesses and injuries, prescribe medications, and provide primary care, as well as assist in surgery. However, PAs are required to practice under the supervision of a doctor. This doesn't necessarily mean that PAs always have doctors breathing down their backs, and in many cases the supervising physician trusts their PA(s) and their expertise and the PAs can practice much like independent practitioners. Sorry for all the medical gibberish, but hopefully the two jobs make a little more sense now.
So, the debate. I have always had a hard time with the amount of time required to become a doctor. As a woman, I want to be available to stay home with my kids, at least when they're young. I would love to homeschool. If I went to medical school, I would finish residency no earlier than the age of 30, and that's a long time to wait to start a family. I once talked to a OB/GYN who is also a mom to little kids, and a missionary, and she said that while it is hard, if God is calling me to be a doctor, a missionary, and a mom, he will make it work. That was what I hung on to for several years, until God finally gave me his answer. I was talking to one of my friends and I can't remember the topic of conversation but he mentioned how important it was for him that his future wife stayed home with their kids. That got me thinking again and I realized how important that is to me too! God has given me a passion for medicine and serving him with that, but he has also wired me to be a mom and take care of my family. For me, that life does not include becoming a doctor. Medical school and the life of a physician requires first priority in life, and while I may think and talk about medicine all the time, it is not my first priority. That would be serving God and my future family. Now let me just say that I do NOT think it is inappropriate for a Christian female to become a doctor and even a mom--if God has called them to do it, that's great! It is just not for me.
Anyway, as this realization sunk in, it became extremely clear in my mind that going to PA school would allow me to do what I love and serve God through medicine, and still be able to stay home with my kids. One of the things that was keeping me stuck on medical school was the title and the authority of Doctor. It is pretty awesome to be able to introduce yourself to a patient as Dr. Something, or jump in in an emergency and say "Hang on, I'm a doctor!" It's also pretty nice to be the one giving orders, making executive decisions, and leading surgery. And while I don't think it's wrong to want or be excited for those things--it is a great accomplishment and a rewarding job, the title and authority should absolutely not be the reasons for attending medical school. I think I would love medical school and would do well (with a ton of hard work!) but I could not let go of that rank. I didn't want to be an "assistant." I didn't want to introduce myself as "Mrs. ____." I didn't want to "help" in surgery. So in the past, all attempts to convince myself that PA school was the way to go were completely futile, mostly for this selfish reason.
BUT. This time around was completely different. God finally showed me that my pride was getting in the way. I don't need an MD degree to serve him in medicine! I will be able to treat patients and show them the love of Christ as a physician assistant, and I can say completely honestly that I DON'T CARE about the title! I don't care that I'm not going to medical school and I am super excited for PA school and being a mom. When my other pre-med friends prepare for medical school and are accepted, I am happy for them and I know they will do great and have fun, but I don't want to be where they are. I want to go to PA school. There is no doubt in my mind that God completely changed my perspective and revealed his will by making a jumbly question mark clear in my mind. He answers prayer! He really does. He takes his own time, but it works. Ever since God answered this one, I have felt completely freed. I can be excited for having a family someday instead of stressed about how I'm going to make it work. I will only be in grad school for 2-3 years total and the specialty or area I work in after I graduate will be much more flexible. Letting go of medical school has been so good.
The decision to go to PA school is only one small part of my next few years, and there are many more decisions to be made, and many more questions to be answered. I have no idea how it will all work out, but luckily God does. I have to keep remembering that he can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20). Crazy how that works. I'm so glad I don't have to figure life out on my own.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Smatterings
Today I made a revolutionary discovery that will change my piano playing forever! Well, I didn't figure it out on my own, Google taught me, but still. The discovery is this: The correct way to play a downward gliss is with your THUMB. I don't play glissandos (glissandi?) very often because they're painful haha but I've always used the knuckle at the base of my pointer finger. Then today I was accompanying my sister and some of her friends singing You Can't Stop the Beat, and the choir director told me I should add in a gliss. I was happy to oblige but after playing it about 10 times, I now have a slightly swollen knuckle with a large purple bruise. Ouch. The girls are performing their song in 3 days so I figured I should learn how to play a gliss properly, since I've never really been taught. Using my thumb is not only (mostly) painless, but sounds better too! Seriously, this makes me super excited. I just love the piano.
For those of you wondering what a glissando is, here's a video with more glissandi than you could ever want. Notice the thumb in the first clip??
Also, this week I went to the ENT (ear nose & throat doctor) to get checked out. He looked at my vocal cords by sticking a flexible laryngoscope down my nose (way less unpleasant than it sounds!) and asked lots of questions. And he gave me a clean bill of health! My vocal cords looked healthy and everything else was good too. Hooray! I think God has finally healed me. Hopefully I remember the lesson that my attitude does not depend on my health because my God is big and good. Two medical statements: Flexible laryngoscopy is completely fine and not scary at all if you have a good doctor, so don't worry if you ever have to have it! And if you ever need an ENT in Portland, go to Dr. Wesley Lewis at PDX ENT. He was great and very knowledgeable!
In other news, I'm home now! I have bade Michigan farewell until late August. It's been interesting being home because after two years at school I have completely adjusted to my new life, and while being home in my town with my family is great, it's also kind of weird. (Also, do the words "At Home in My Town" ring a bell for any of you? If you've listened to Adventures in Odyssey, there are a few episodes when Odyssey is a finalist in a Best Small Town in America contest, At Home in My Town is the name of the show that documents the finalists and winner.) Anyway. I took about 4 days to get over jet lag, which is unusual for me. It's only 3 hours behind and I usually adjust right away, besides a couple days of waking up early. I get headaches (mild migraines) when I mess up my sleep schedule, which are more annoying than painful, but they make me irritable. So I am very glad to be over that so I'm more tolerable to be around. But that hasn't been the main part of my week. I've been playing piano and singing, eating lots of good food with my family and that's been great, and having lots of goofy time with my sister, and good talks with my parents. It's strange not to have schoolwork and a myriad of things vying for my attention all the time. I can dig it.
The thing that I've been having a hard time with since coming home is spending regular time with God. Especially now that I don't have school and my job hasn't started yet, I should have hours to give to him! So why don't I? I think part of the reason is that I am tired of the regular read-the-Bible-and-journal thing. And while those things are good, and reading the Bible is super important to get to know God better, it's also good to mix it up. I like going for walks and talking to God out loud--I'll have to do that more. If any of you readers have ideas, please comment and let me know! Also in regards to reading the Bible, I really need to spend time in the Word because I'm seeking God's will in an important area of my life and in order to hear what he wants, I need to just be with him and get to know him more. Praying and asking for wisdom is good but it's not enough. I love the New Testament so that's kind of my default but this semester I've been reading the Old Testament a lot more. I read Ruth the other day and now I'm reading 1 Samuel. I like reading the stories in the Bible.
One time I was talking to my dad about what to read in the Bible and how so often I just have no idea what to read. His response was simple but memorable. When I hang out with a friend, we talk about really random stuff. Our families, movies, God, food, adventuring, music, pets, and many random anecdotes. It doesn't matter what we talk about, we're still spending quality time together and getting to know each other. It's the same with God! The entire Bible is inspired by God, whether it's commands from John, or stories from Ruth, or promises from Psalms. No matter what I read, I'm still giving God my time and getting to know him better!
"There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God."
1 Samuel 2:2
For those of you wondering what a glissando is, here's a video with more glissandi than you could ever want. Notice the thumb in the first clip??
Also, this week I went to the ENT (ear nose & throat doctor) to get checked out. He looked at my vocal cords by sticking a flexible laryngoscope down my nose (way less unpleasant than it sounds!) and asked lots of questions. And he gave me a clean bill of health! My vocal cords looked healthy and everything else was good too. Hooray! I think God has finally healed me. Hopefully I remember the lesson that my attitude does not depend on my health because my God is big and good. Two medical statements: Flexible laryngoscopy is completely fine and not scary at all if you have a good doctor, so don't worry if you ever have to have it! And if you ever need an ENT in Portland, go to Dr. Wesley Lewis at PDX ENT. He was great and very knowledgeable!
In other news, I'm home now! I have bade Michigan farewell until late August. It's been interesting being home because after two years at school I have completely adjusted to my new life, and while being home in my town with my family is great, it's also kind of weird. (Also, do the words "At Home in My Town" ring a bell for any of you? If you've listened to Adventures in Odyssey, there are a few episodes when Odyssey is a finalist in a Best Small Town in America contest, At Home in My Town is the name of the show that documents the finalists and winner.) Anyway. I took about 4 days to get over jet lag, which is unusual for me. It's only 3 hours behind and I usually adjust right away, besides a couple days of waking up early. I get headaches (mild migraines) when I mess up my sleep schedule, which are more annoying than painful, but they make me irritable. So I am very glad to be over that so I'm more tolerable to be around. But that hasn't been the main part of my week. I've been playing piano and singing, eating lots of good food with my family and that's been great, and having lots of goofy time with my sister, and good talks with my parents. It's strange not to have schoolwork and a myriad of things vying for my attention all the time. I can dig it.
The thing that I've been having a hard time with since coming home is spending regular time with God. Especially now that I don't have school and my job hasn't started yet, I should have hours to give to him! So why don't I? I think part of the reason is that I am tired of the regular read-the-Bible-and-journal thing. And while those things are good, and reading the Bible is super important to get to know God better, it's also good to mix it up. I like going for walks and talking to God out loud--I'll have to do that more. If any of you readers have ideas, please comment and let me know! Also in regards to reading the Bible, I really need to spend time in the Word because I'm seeking God's will in an important area of my life and in order to hear what he wants, I need to just be with him and get to know him more. Praying and asking for wisdom is good but it's not enough. I love the New Testament so that's kind of my default but this semester I've been reading the Old Testament a lot more. I read Ruth the other day and now I'm reading 1 Samuel. I like reading the stories in the Bible.
One time I was talking to my dad about what to read in the Bible and how so often I just have no idea what to read. His response was simple but memorable. When I hang out with a friend, we talk about really random stuff. Our families, movies, God, food, adventuring, music, pets, and many random anecdotes. It doesn't matter what we talk about, we're still spending quality time together and getting to know each other. It's the same with God! The entire Bible is inspired by God, whether it's commands from John, or stories from Ruth, or promises from Psalms. No matter what I read, I'm still giving God my time and getting to know him better!
"There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God."
1 Samuel 2:2
Friday, May 10, 2013
Le fin
Okay let me just make sure we have this straight: the title of this post is not like the fin on a fish, it's French for the end and it's pronounced kind of like the word fun without the "n" sound. I guess it's more of an appropriate thing to say for someone graduating college, but I'm halfway done and it feels like a pretty big accomplishment. I am a JUNIOR in college. Holy cow. (Let me just express my excitement for a moment here AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH) I can't even believe that I'm halfway done with college right now. It has flown by.
This has been quite the semester. Quite the year. I have learned so much, and it was such a blessing to spend my year befriending and loving the freshmen on my floor, while rooming with my wonderful friend and kindred spirit Stephanie. I made it through persisting sickness to do well in all my classes (with the strength of God!). I discovered the value of silence and centering conversation on others (blog post on this to follow in the near future). I experienced urban ministry in Detroit and heard about the hardships that people endure far too frequently. I got a crash course theatre production while working as assistant stage manager for Bye Bye Birdie, and sang my way through Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on choir tour (including NYC and Niagara falls! so cool.). I survived (and LOVED) a year of organic chemistry. I learned a Debussy piece on the piano (Fille aux cheveux de lin, or Girl with the flaxen hair). I successfully applied to several jobs, and I can't wait to start work at a Christian conference center this summer. I made many sweet friendships. I managed to pack enough clothes for 9 months in a suitcase, a carryon, and a backpack (with an unfortunate coat mishap). I leaned on God when I couldn't do it myself (like, all the time. let's be real.).
Right now I am snuggling with a denim comforter from my friend's college years, and enjoying its smell of basement/closet. I happen to love that smell, for the record. Unless it's musty and nasty. I'm listening to Selah, and thinking about the great friends I left behind at school. It will be weird to be gone so long, but I am super excited for the things in store for me this summer. Tomorrow afternoon I fly home to see my family. It has been about 4 and a half months since we've seen each other in person. It will be a good reunion :) I'm falling asleep and I can't think of anything more to say so I am signing out for the night. More soon.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.
This has been quite the semester. Quite the year. I have learned so much, and it was such a blessing to spend my year befriending and loving the freshmen on my floor, while rooming with my wonderful friend and kindred spirit Stephanie. I made it through persisting sickness to do well in all my classes (with the strength of God!). I discovered the value of silence and centering conversation on others (blog post on this to follow in the near future). I experienced urban ministry in Detroit and heard about the hardships that people endure far too frequently. I got a crash course theatre production while working as assistant stage manager for Bye Bye Birdie, and sang my way through Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and New York on choir tour (including NYC and Niagara falls! so cool.). I survived (and LOVED) a year of organic chemistry. I learned a Debussy piece on the piano (Fille aux cheveux de lin, or Girl with the flaxen hair). I successfully applied to several jobs, and I can't wait to start work at a Christian conference center this summer. I made many sweet friendships. I managed to pack enough clothes for 9 months in a suitcase, a carryon, and a backpack (with an unfortunate coat mishap). I leaned on God when I couldn't do it myself (like, all the time. let's be real.).
Right now I am snuggling with a denim comforter from my friend's college years, and enjoying its smell of basement/closet. I happen to love that smell, for the record. Unless it's musty and nasty. I'm listening to Selah, and thinking about the great friends I left behind at school. It will be weird to be gone so long, but I am super excited for the things in store for me this summer. Tomorrow afternoon I fly home to see my family. It has been about 4 and a half months since we've seen each other in person. It will be a good reunion :) I'm falling asleep and I can't think of anything more to say so I am signing out for the night. More soon.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise him all creatures here below. Praise him above ye heavenly hosts, praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost. Amen.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Balance and humility
Okay I'm going to be vulnerable here. Sometimes, I just feel like I'm failing in so many important things because I can't invest and commit one hundred percent to everything that I want to. Yes, I get good grades, but I would learn more if I took half the credits and had time to really spend time learning the material and reading extra stuff about it. Sure, I have meal dates with friends for probably at least half of my meals, but I hardly ever hang out with people because I'm always studying. Yeah, I get adequate sleep, but I could definitely use some more 8 hour nights. And I pray all the time, but it is SO hard to get in regular devotions with just me and God. As a college student, balance is a huge thing that I am working on learning. There are so many things pulling me in every different direction and I honestly don't think it's possible to fully invest in everything that I could. Where do I draw the line? After God, how do I prioritize? Everything is important for a different reason and it is frustrating sometimes to try and figure out how to balance it all. God has been giving me a lot of humble pie the last month (which is an answer to prayer--but hard to learn!) and I've been realizing what a failure I am without him!
Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything. :) I am still full of joy and life, but my humanness is becoming more and more apparent and there are just SO many reasons I need to depend on God because life just has stuff that I can't figure out. God promises to carry me through the times when I feel overwhelmed or weak. He is my refuge and my strength. Man, I don't know what I'd do without him. Today one of my friends was frustrated with a class and acting really testy and upset. It made me sad to see him in such a bad mood, but he's not a Christian and it broke my heart to think that he didn't have any hope. Even when I'm having a bad day or something deeply upsets me, I still remember that God has control over the situation, even if it's really hard. Life without God doesn't have much of a point, at least not one that I can see. Not to say that nonbelievers don't do good things--there are many amazing philanthropists and selfless people who love and serve other people, but I just can't imagine a life without God as a purpose for living, serving, and loving. I don't know how I could go about making life decisions like when to date or who to marry or where to go to grad school without God to guide my steps and my pursuits.
God, I really need you.
Help me to fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. My momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Cor 4:16-18)
God is so good. So faithful.
Even through my frustrations and my failures, I am thankful.
Don't worry, I'm not depressed or anything. :) I am still full of joy and life, but my humanness is becoming more and more apparent and there are just SO many reasons I need to depend on God because life just has stuff that I can't figure out. God promises to carry me through the times when I feel overwhelmed or weak. He is my refuge and my strength. Man, I don't know what I'd do without him. Today one of my friends was frustrated with a class and acting really testy and upset. It made me sad to see him in such a bad mood, but he's not a Christian and it broke my heart to think that he didn't have any hope. Even when I'm having a bad day or something deeply upsets me, I still remember that God has control over the situation, even if it's really hard. Life without God doesn't have much of a point, at least not one that I can see. Not to say that nonbelievers don't do good things--there are many amazing philanthropists and selfless people who love and serve other people, but I just can't imagine a life without God as a purpose for living, serving, and loving. I don't know how I could go about making life decisions like when to date or who to marry or where to go to grad school without God to guide my steps and my pursuits.
God, I really need you.
Help me to fix my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. My momentary troubles are achieving an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. (2 Cor 4:16-18)
God is so good. So faithful.
Even through my frustrations and my failures, I am thankful.
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