I'm not invincible, though sometimes I like to think I am.
There are certain things that I hold onto tightly, certain parts of my identity, parts that I want to be rock solid and unaffected by external forces. But God is always chipping away at my pride, which is the cement that makes these things so hard to let go of. I don't think the conflict between my desire to surrender to Him and my independent, self-sufficient nature will ever cease (though it will lessen if I continue to yield myself to the Holy Spirit).
The irony is, despite this conflict, I'm so much less self-sufficient than I think.
I apply labels to myself as descriptors and traits to strengthen. Some of them run so deep that they come relatively easily, like my enthusiasm and cheeriness (if you've ever seen me first thing in the morning you know what I mean). Others, while still natural parts of my personality, require more effort to maintain. A lot of the time, I am flexible, confident, bold, and unflappable.
However, these things are not rock solid. They are affected by external forces. You know why? Because I'm a human. I have emotions. I'm not perfect.
It's scary to admit that these traits are not untouchable. They can crack, and they often do. Sometimes it's really hard for me to go with the flow. Sometimes I feel stupid. Sometimes my feelings get hurt (and it always surprises me). God has taught me that I need to give myself grace, and that can be difficult. I want to have just a few qualities that I can rely on, so that I can really be the independent, strong woman I envision. However, I know I live in freedom, without condemnation, only because Jesus took the penalty for me. I am not complete without Him, and the reason I can't rely on my own abilities to be flexible, confident, bold, and unflappable (also cheery and enthusiastic) is because I was created to be reliant on God--not me.
The thing that inspired me to write about this today is my current life transition. I always try to convince myself that each transition will be easier than the last, but it never is. One amazing thing is ending, and another is beginning--and it is bittersweet. Words cannot describe how excited I am to start PA school in 71 days. I can't believe I will actually be STUDYING MEDICINE, after dreaming and imagining it for over a decade. God provided me two wonderful roommates, a good friend will be in the program with me, and I can't wait to get to know all my classmates.
But as my last day at the hospital fast approaches, I am honestly grieving this job's conclusion. I have an incredible team, I love bedside care and really knowing my patients, and I finally feel settled in life for the first time in a long time. I really enjoy all the nursing staff on my unit, and a number of my coworkers have become good friends outside of work. I am so sad to say goodbye to my team, and to know that once school starts I won't have much time, if any, to invest in these dear friendships.
Another pair of labels that I stick on myself (not untrue) are outgoing & relatable. These help me develop rapport with patients, strike up conversations with strangers, and make friends quickly. When I was in college, going from Michigan to Cannon Beach to Guatemala etc and finally returning to Portland, I was able to quickly put down roots in these temporary communities.
Sometimes I think (and wish) that I could uproot just as easily, jaunting to the next place. But these traits crack too, and for me that means painful goodbyes.
I don't know what this year will look like. It has already included many joys and tears, and I'm sure there will be more. But the rest is unknown by me. There's nothing like a major life-uprooting to lead me back to Jesus, and on Him I will rely.
