My God, in whom I trust

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 

(Ps. 91:1-2)

Okay, I really need to study right now but I just wanted to say something because God has been making a huge difference in my life lately.  A couple weeks ago I wrote about choosing to trust God instead of trying to control everything and worry about every little symptom and possiblity.  I was consumed by worry and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I've prayed many times in my life for a greater trust in God, but this time something clicked.  I don't know what was different, but I have seen a dramatic change.  I do not worry anymore.

I still notice the things that worried me in the past (nothing huge or fascinating but if you want to know I'd be happy to oblige!) but they don't bother me.  I really do trust God, and it is the power of the Holy Spirit that allows me to do so.  Today I had a doctor's appointment as a follow-up to one last week, and for both of them I was completely calm.  Not stressed, not worried, only curious as I wait for results.

I can't even believe how amazing it is to just let God handle the things that are out of my control anyway.  His joy fills me and I am glad.

Isaiah 26:3 says God will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in Him.  I'm experiencing this right now, and it's incredible.  Lord, please help me be steadfast to you.

I'm sure there will come a point where I need to yet again strongly resist the pull of the devil trying to get me back into worrying.  But for now, he's gone.  And no matter what happens, I am safe, resting in the shelter of the Most High.

His peace covers me.

No conclusions

This post has been a long time in the making and I'm still not quite sure how to begin or proceed because there are so many thoughts swirling in my head.  A couple nights ago I thought up a great introduction to this post as I was lying in bed but obviously I don't remember any of that...  Basically, I have come up out of my dry slump in my relationship with God and now I am FULL of questions, and lacking conclusions.

God has been placing many thought-provoking questions in my mind from pretty much everything in my life--books I'm reading, sermons I hear, songs I listen to, conversations I have, and class discussions to name a few.  I find it pretty crazy how everything around me always seems to coordinate with whatever God happens to be teaching me.  But that's the Holy Spirit for ya, I guess! :)

So I'm currently taking a spiritual formation class, and last week the discussion question was, what would we do with our lives if we found out we only had a year left to live?  It was fascinating to think about, because I realized that I should be living that way now.  Before answering the question, we read a couple passages in the Psalms.  In Psalm 90:12, Moses asks God to "teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  Similarly, David beseeches God in Psalm 39:4 to "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life."

These men want God to help them realize that their lives here on earth are short and it matters what they do with them.  If we truly lived our life as if each day was our last, things would be a lot different.  No time would be wasted on frivolous things, and everything within us would be spent spreading the Gospel.

I am not afraid of dying, because I have a hope in salvation.  But what I am afraid of is the possibility of people who do not know Jesus living in isolation for eternity.  If I found out I only had a year to live, I would prayerfully find the most effective way to tell as many people as possible about the Good News.

David and Moses understood that they can't truly live in the present unless they have the perspective that every single day matters, because it may be our last.  This is a confusing issue to me, because while I wholeheartedly agree with this, I don't know how to pursue it.  If I found out I really did have only a year to live, I would probably drop out of school and do whatever I could to "go and make disciples of all nations."  Shouldn't this be my mission now, too?

If I did live each day as if it could be my last, I would pursue the mission that I stated I would pursue given only a year to live.  Of course I want to do everything I can now to tell others about Jesus.  But how can I do this now, as a student?  I am really busy (wow, that sounds like such a lame excuse) but aside from that, my school is important.  I don't want to dwell in the future, but I'm planning on a life of medical missions (in the States)--and that requires medical training that won't be done for several more years.  I believe that this a future God is calling me to and is preparing me for, and it just doesn't seem wise to drop everything and move to a remote tribe where no one's heard the gospel.  Medicine is important too (not to mention the fact that I am nowhere near prepared or educated in the area of "remote-tribe-Christianization"), and I am excited to serve God in that field.

Among all the zillions of questions in my head, the one that sort of sums them up is this:
        How can I most effectively live my life to glorify and rest in God and let His light shine before men?

Maybe the answer to that question changes depending on where I'm at in life.  I was talking to my roommate (who's in the same spiritual formation class) about how I want to do something about the countless people groups who have never heard of Jesus, and I realized that maybe my pride is getting me confused yet again.  I don't need to go in order to impact those people.  If God is calling me to go, then yes, I'll go!  But right now He wants me here, pursuing PA school and a future serving medically underserved people right here in the US.  And for those unreached tribes?  I can pray.

I still don't know the answer to my question, but I do know what I will do in the meantime.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray for the missionaries in remote areas shining His light.  Pray for the medical practitioners serving people in the States.  Pray for a clear mind and long-term memory storage in my studies.  Pray that God will allow me to live each day to the fullest for Him.  Pray for humility.  Pray for answers.  Pray for willingness to let God and His will be a mystery.  And when I don't know what to pray for, the Spirit intercedes with groans that words cannot express.  I find that incredibly comforting, because sometimes I'm thinking and wondering so hard and wanting to know God's mind so badly that I just have no idea what to say.

In this time full of questions with no conclusions, I will keep seeking.  I am thankful that I have so much to think about.  I don't want to be a passive Christian.  I want to live out the Gospel, most closely aligned with how God intended us to live.

Sacrifice and stuff

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how we as Christians, especially affluent Americans, should handle stuff.  And I'm not just using the word stuff as a boring replacement for another more intelligent-sounding word--I literally mean STUFF.  Material things.  Clothes, houses, money, etc.

I read the book Seven several weeks ago, and it is the autobiographical tale of Jen Hatmaker and family, who went through seven month-long fasting periods in order to grow closer to God through discipline and sacrifice, and gain perspective on our material-obsessed world.  One month her family only spent money in seven places, another month Jen vowed to give away seven items from their house every day, another month she only wore seven articles of clothing.  The book was not only hilarious because of Jen's self-deprecating humor and comedic talent, it was very personal and thought-provoking.  At the time I was reading it, I was moving into a new apartment and unpacking lots of boxes, and because I was so captivated by the book I often felt like I was doing the challenge with her (and it helped inspire me to fill up a big box of clothes and things to give away).

I also recently finished reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.  Shane lives a communal lifestyle, sharing everything with other people, depending on God, and doing unorthodox things to demonstrate the love of God. The original disciples were told to drop everything they had and follow Jesus, trusting God to provide for their needs.  I was reading Acts at the same time, and it struck me how the lifestyle Shane leads is just like the faithful disciples in Acts.  Why shouldn't we be the same?

One time Jesus was approached by a rich young ruler who wanted to follow Him and asked what he needed to do.  Jesus told him to love God and love his neighbor, and the guy was like, "Okay, great, I can do that!"  But then Jesus told him to sell everything he owned and follow Him.  The young ruler left, dejected.  Jesus calls us to leave our stuff behind, our dependence on things, and trust in Him to provide.  I trust God a lot, but I realized the other day that I really only depend on Him for emotional stability.  It's perfectly fine and legitimate to pray about stress or frustration or sadness or fear.  I pray for other people's needs a lot, but when it comes to myself it's only my emotions I need Him for.  I have never worried where my next meal was going to come from, or how I was going to pay for school or clothes, or whether I was going to have a dry bed to sleep in.  How can I learn to truly depend on God when I am so self-sufficient?  Does He want us to literally give up everything we own and move to a place where we need to ask Him for sustenance?

And then there's what I inadvertently named the Possession Paradox.  Doesn't God bless some people with wealth so they can bless others?  For example, last year I read a book by the founder of Gospel for Asia, which urges affluent Christians to send their money to support native missionaries.  A little money goes a long way, and these native missionaries are able to reach out to people in tribes and areas that have never heard the Gospel, without having to break down as many boundaries.  (I'm not going to go into detail about this awesome ministry here, but you can feel free to click the link above--or read the book!  It's called Revolution in World Missions and apparently you can get it for free from the website.)  Anyway, God uses the gifts from people who make a lot of money to spread the good news.  The paradox is, does God call us to give up everything we own (like St. Nicholas) even if we're wealthy and truly generous, or use whatever He's given us (which may be a big salary, or a spacious house that can be used for hospitality) for His glory?  Neither one of these "categories" contains better or more genuine Christians, and there are so many in-betweens.

I once heard someone say that we should sacrifice until we feel it.  That's the meaning of sacrifice anyway--give up something of value.  This idea was well understood by the widow in the Bible who gave her two mites to the church--she gave up everything she had to God, even though it wasn't much.  The rich people gave much more than she did in quantity, but their gifts didn't even make a dent in their wealth.  They completely missed the point.  The church that Jen Hatmaker (Seven) belongs to gives away 50% of their income, which I think is awesome.  They meet in a shabby building that needs repairs, but they choose to allocate their money to places where it's needed even more.  I don't want to get into the whole debate of "churches shouldn't spend thousands of dollars on atria and gyms and stained glass windows etc" because I think both sides have legitimate points.  I just want to know how God wants us to steward the things He gives us.

Being a Christian is not always supposed to be fun.  God provides us with incredible joy and peace and guidance, but Jesus instructs us that in order to come after Him, we must:

          Deny ourselves.
          Take up our cross.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.  What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16)

I'm seeking God about this.  I don't know how to serve Him with my things.  I'm not a materialistic person, but I do not know what it's like to truly trust God with every need.

     How does God want us to sacrifice?

            What should we do with our stuff?    

 

 

Choosing to trust

I've been going through a period of spiritual dryness recently, and it's been weird.  Of course I've felt spiritually dry before, but the last time I can remember a period as long as this was before I really knew what it was like to live intimately with God.  In Guatemala I formed good habits (and had lots of free time) and God and I had some good fellowship.  But once I got home it was easy to fall back into old patterns, and coming to school I guess I just didn't have the motivation to commit myself to daily tent time.  (Sidenote: In my family we call devotions tent time, because Moses went into his tent in Exodus 33 to be with God.)  It's been frustrating because I missed the spiritual intimacy but didn't have the desire to make time for the One who gives me time in the first place.  Also, I know this sounds horrible, but I had grown tired of reading the Bible.  I don't even want to admit that, but I am for the sake of you readers so that you can know you're not the only ones.  I have always LOVED God's Word, and I know I'll get back to that place eventually.  Right now I'm reading Acts and soon Romans, and re-memorizing Romans 8.  My roommate and I are praying for each other spiritually, and we're praying for me that God will ignite in me a deep hunger for His word.


I sure long for Him now, which is a welcome change after feeling distant and unmotivated.  This week has been a good one in helping me long for Jesus again.  The reason this particular week has been good is because I have decided to give my worries to God.  Ever since I got back from Guat, I've had random symptoms that keep changing and multiplying and lessening and being the pre-med nerd that I am, I've let my imagination get carried away with self-diagnosis.  (Medical student syndrome is a real thing, I'm not making this up.)  In the process, I had gotten completely consumed with worry--which leaves no room for God.  I was letting Satan have control, and he was more than happy to oblige.  I decided to stop this nonsense and spend some real time with God a couple days ago, and he started working on my heart.  I also called my mom (who is great at speaking truth into my life!) and she helped bring me out of the clouds and into reality.

This was her main point:  Live NOW.

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow--He's got it under control!  And when He tells us how to pray, He says we should ask for our daily bread--only what we need for the day.  God was not happy when he told the Israelites not to save manna for the next day, and they didn't trust Him.  They saved manna anyway, and it spoiled.  There are so many more verses that emphasize the importance of living in the present and not in the future.  Of course it's important to think about the future, but we shouldn't dwell on it--and certainly not worry about it.  We don't know, and can't know what to expect to happen.  But we can expect one thing in the future for sure:  Jesus will be the same, and will walk with us through whatever may happen.
Anyway, after I remembered all of these things, I decided to TRUST God with my health and everything else.  His plans are bigger than mine.  I'm not afraid of dying, honestly I'm more afraid of messing up my plans of graduating next spring (and being sick may interfere).  But 1. I'm probably not sick and 2. even if I am, GOD IS BIGGER.

He will be with me through anything, and I have faith that every trial and joy in my life serves a purpose, and can ultimately be used to bring glory to God.

I am choosing to trust God.  I believe in His peace that transcends (and I've experienced it!) and His constant companionship.  All He asks for in return is faithfulness.  So far it's only been a few days, but the amount of worrying has drastically decreased.  Trusting God is not easy, but it's what He wants--and it makes so much sense because He knows SO much more!  When I choose to trust God and resist Satan, the devil flees (James 4).

I am choosing to trust.

PS: BibleGateway.com has free online audio Bibles and it is awesome!!  Listening to the dramatized versions is still straight scripture but brings so much life to the stories!  Seriously, try it out.