No conclusions

This post has been a long time in the making and I'm still not quite sure how to begin or proceed because there are so many thoughts swirling in my head.  A couple nights ago I thought up a great introduction to this post as I was lying in bed but obviously I don't remember any of that...  Basically, I have come up out of my dry slump in my relationship with God and now I am FULL of questions, and lacking conclusions.

God has been placing many thought-provoking questions in my mind from pretty much everything in my life--books I'm reading, sermons I hear, songs I listen to, conversations I have, and class discussions to name a few.  I find it pretty crazy how everything around me always seems to coordinate with whatever God happens to be teaching me.  But that's the Holy Spirit for ya, I guess! :)

So I'm currently taking a spiritual formation class, and last week the discussion question was, what would we do with our lives if we found out we only had a year left to live?  It was fascinating to think about, because I realized that I should be living that way now.  Before answering the question, we read a couple passages in the Psalms.  In Psalm 90:12, Moses asks God to "teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  Similarly, David beseeches God in Psalm 39:4 to "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life."

These men want God to help them realize that their lives here on earth are short and it matters what they do with them.  If we truly lived our life as if each day was our last, things would be a lot different.  No time would be wasted on frivolous things, and everything within us would be spent spreading the Gospel.

I am not afraid of dying, because I have a hope in salvation.  But what I am afraid of is the possibility of people who do not know Jesus living in isolation for eternity.  If I found out I only had a year to live, I would prayerfully find the most effective way to tell as many people as possible about the Good News.

David and Moses understood that they can't truly live in the present unless they have the perspective that every single day matters, because it may be our last.  This is a confusing issue to me, because while I wholeheartedly agree with this, I don't know how to pursue it.  If I found out I really did have only a year to live, I would probably drop out of school and do whatever I could to "go and make disciples of all nations."  Shouldn't this be my mission now, too?

If I did live each day as if it could be my last, I would pursue the mission that I stated I would pursue given only a year to live.  Of course I want to do everything I can now to tell others about Jesus.  But how can I do this now, as a student?  I am really busy (wow, that sounds like such a lame excuse) but aside from that, my school is important.  I don't want to dwell in the future, but I'm planning on a life of medical missions (in the States)--and that requires medical training that won't be done for several more years.  I believe that this a future God is calling me to and is preparing me for, and it just doesn't seem wise to drop everything and move to a remote tribe where no one's heard the gospel.  Medicine is important too (not to mention the fact that I am nowhere near prepared or educated in the area of "remote-tribe-Christianization"), and I am excited to serve God in that field.

Among all the zillions of questions in my head, the one that sort of sums them up is this:
        How can I most effectively live my life to glorify and rest in God and let His light shine before men?

Maybe the answer to that question changes depending on where I'm at in life.  I was talking to my roommate (who's in the same spiritual formation class) about how I want to do something about the countless people groups who have never heard of Jesus, and I realized that maybe my pride is getting me confused yet again.  I don't need to go in order to impact those people.  If God is calling me to go, then yes, I'll go!  But right now He wants me here, pursuing PA school and a future serving medically underserved people right here in the US.  And for those unreached tribes?  I can pray.

I still don't know the answer to my question, but I do know what I will do in the meantime.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray for the missionaries in remote areas shining His light.  Pray for the medical practitioners serving people in the States.  Pray for a clear mind and long-term memory storage in my studies.  Pray that God will allow me to live each day to the fullest for Him.  Pray for humility.  Pray for answers.  Pray for willingness to let God and His will be a mystery.  And when I don't know what to pray for, the Spirit intercedes with groans that words cannot express.  I find that incredibly comforting, because sometimes I'm thinking and wondering so hard and wanting to know God's mind so badly that I just have no idea what to say.

In this time full of questions with no conclusions, I will keep seeking.  I am thankful that I have so much to think about.  I don't want to be a passive Christian.  I want to live out the Gospel, most closely aligned with how God intended us to live.