Love

Let's see.... updates on my life.  Well, I've been at Cannon Beach Conference Center for the past few weeks working end of summer staff, both as a floater and now as fulltime youth staff.  I've really enjoyed getting to know the staff here and it's been super fun hanging out with the high-schoolers!  I took the GRE and got a good score and sent it to four grad schools (it's getting real now!) and passed my CNA state test!  Yesterday I spent a couple hours meal planning and figuring out logistics for the month of September which will be sans computer (except for school)--the first month of the Freedom Fast.  I am SO ready to start my senior year!  It's weird to think that I'll actually be in classes in just a couple days, because usually I'm in Michigan for at least a week before school starts, and this year I fly out the day before.  It'll be a whirlwind. :)

So this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but hey, I've never shied away from personal stuff before.  The past couple days, I've just been wanting a man in my life.  Now the truth is, I am very much single and very content for the time being.  I am super excited to get married someday, but I'm in no rush.  If the man God has for me isn't going to be available for several more years, that's okay with me.  Plus the longer I'm single, the more time I have to grow more Christlike and closer to God, which will allow me to bless my man more when he comes into the picture.  But there are some times when it would just be so nice to have a hand to hold or a date buddy or a fellow harmonizer of the tenor (or bass) ilk.  I don't usually get sad or anything, just wistful.  And snuggly (so watch out, girlfriends!).

I have the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan that I started earlier in the summer and never got very far, and I figured that since I was yearning for a man, I would focus on the One that loves me more than anyone ever will.  Guys, I seriously want to quote this whole book to you.  The chapters I read yesterday I'm pretty sure were actually written to me (from my future self living in Francis Chan's past body? creepy).  SO exact.

Here's a quote from Henri Nouwen's With Open Hands that Chan used:

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to me soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."  Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

Literally, this is my thoughts put into words.  I want God to give me the ability to love Him with the core of my being.  Chan talks about what it actually looks like when we're in love with someone.  We will drive an hour just to see them for a few minutes.  We spend a lot of money on a gift or a plane ticket.  We'll do anything to be together.  I thought I loved God, but when it's put like this, I realized that my actions are not consistent with true love of the Creator.  It is SO HARD to make a life centered on God.  Loving Him by acknowledging Him with every action and every thought.  Trusting Him by being willing to give Him back everything He's lent me and trust Him to provide.

In Malachi 3, God says to the people, "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'"  He wants us to test Him, to give Him more than we think we can manage so that He can show us His provision.

Loving God is a fulltime, all-consuming job.  Chan likens it to swimming upstream.  "If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream.  When we stop swimming or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream."

"The fact is, I need God to help me love God.  And if I need his help to love Him, a perfect being, I definitely need His help to love other, fault-filled humans.  Something mysterious, even supernatural must happen in order for genuine love for God to grow in our hearts.  The Holy Spirit has to move in our lives."

The thing that prevents us from loving God within our own ability is the presence of sin.  But through the crucifixion of Jesus, we are set free from the bondage to sin in our lives.  Jesus says in John 10, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  James says "Come near to God and He will come near to you.  The key is letting the Holy Spirit in and allowing God to work.

Tomorrow is the first day of a several-month sort-of fast that I'm going to be doing with one of my incredible friends, Stephanie.  I have named it the Freedom Fast, because the hope is that it will draw me close enough to the Holy Spirit that He will be able to set me free from the earthly distractions that are inhibiting intimacy with God.  We are called to be free and that freedom is for the purpose of loving and serving others, not indulging our sinful nature (Galatians 5:13).  And Spirit that brings LIFE has set us free from the power of sin and death!  It's up to us to accept God's call and the freedom He wants to grant us.  Each month I will be giving up something substantial, like all media for the month of September (including the blog), or only wearing a few select items of clothing for a month.  My hope is that these sacrifices will be noticeable in my life, so whenever I wish I could have the thing I'm fasting from, I'll remember the reason and God will become a constant presence in my mind.  I want it to be challenging.  I want there to be frustration so that I have to go to God.  In my cushy life, I need to do something that makes me realize my elemental need for Him.

So this is the conclusion, as I take a 30 day break from the blog.  I will be seeking to love God more and make Him truly central in my life, and letting His love flow through me in my interactions with others.  The blog will resume in October as the fast continues.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me." Revelation 3:20

He gives us freedom

So a couple of days ago I went to see The Giver with my sister.  I read the book this summer so I was excited to see the film adaptation--but I was not expecting to see so many spiritual aspects and incredible spiritual parallels.  I'll try not to put any spoilers in here but I'm not promising anything so if you haven't read the book then be careful.  First of all, the whole premise of the story is a world in which everything is controlled and contrived in an attempt to create perfection for its citizens.  But the real result is a purposeless world and a people devoid of emotion, culture, and uniqueness.  The people have been brainwashed to the point where they have even lost the ability to see color, and the first portion of the movie is in black and white to illustrate this monotony.  There are strict rules that everyone must follow in order to keep the world the way that it is.  True love does not exist; instead, those who are chosen to be parents are paired together into family units, and receive children from birth mothers.  Every citizen takes daily injections (or pills, in the book) to eliminate the Stirrings (sexual feelings) and essentially all other emotion.  Only one person, the Giver, holds all memories of history and culture and all of the joys and heartache that those memories contain.  The people experience feelings, which are brief and fleeting, but do not understand the depth of true love, anger, joy, or sadness.

This attempt at utopia is exactly the opposite of what God intended for us.  He created people with free will so that we can not only choose to love Him but experience what it means to be loved, to be unique, to be emotional, spiritual beings.  Jonas, the main character in the Giver, is chosen to be the Receiver of Memory, the new keeper of all experiences in the past.  In daily meetings, the Giver transmits memories to Jonas; memories of loving families, joyful dancing at weddings, the pain of death, the agony of war, the beauty of culture.  Jonas begins to understand, and desire, the deep emotions that he's been prevented from experiencing his entire life.  The movie paints a beautiful image of culture and diversity, showing clips from all over the world and portraying love in its many different manifestations.

I was struck by the parallels to the freedom that we have in Christ, who lets us choose to follow Him.  If we did not have free will, this world would be dreary and emotionless.  God gives us the freedom to love Him and love others, and the incredible diversity that results from the endless variety of people all over the world is amazing.  The elders of the Community were trying to create a world free of pain, both physical and emotional, by eliminating variability.  But a huge part of what makes life dynamic is emotions, and when emotions are lost, so is purpose.  Real life is full of hurt and anguish and difficult choices, but also joy and excitement and love.  Without these, there is no meaning to life.  And without God, we cannot experience love, joy, and peace to their fullest extents.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  Freedom to love Him and experience His gifts.  Freedom from the bondage to sin and decay.  Freedom to reflect God's glory and become more and more like Him.