So this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but hey, I've never shied away from personal stuff before. The past couple days, I've just been wanting a man in my life. Now the truth is, I am very much single and very content for the time being. I am super excited to get married someday, but I'm in no rush. If the man God has for me isn't going to be available for several more years, that's okay with me. Plus the longer I'm single, the more time I have to grow more Christlike and closer to God, which will allow me to bless my man more when he comes into the picture. But there are some times when it would just be so nice to have a hand to hold or a date buddy or a fellow harmonizer of the tenor (or bass) ilk. I don't usually get sad or anything, just wistful. And snuggly (so watch out, girlfriends!).
I have the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan that I started earlier in the summer and never got very far, and I figured that since I was yearning for a man, I would focus on the One that loves me more than anyone ever will. Guys, I seriously want to quote this whole book to you. The chapters I read yesterday I'm pretty sure were actually written to me (from my future self living in Francis Chan's past body? creepy). SO exact.
Here's a quote from Henri Nouwen's With Open Hands that Chan used:
Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to me soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
Literally, this is my thoughts put into words. I want God to give me the ability to love Him with the core of my being. Chan talks about what it actually looks like when we're in love with someone. We will drive an hour just to see them for a few minutes. We spend a lot of money on a gift or a plane ticket. We'll do anything to be together. I thought I loved God, but when it's put like this, I realized that my actions are not consistent with true love of the Creator. It is SO HARD to make a life centered on God. Loving Him by acknowledging Him with every action and every thought. Trusting Him by being willing to give Him back everything He's lent me and trust Him to provide.
In Malachi 3, God says to the people, "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'" He wants us to test Him, to give Him more than we think we can manage so that He can show us His provision.
Loving God is a fulltime, all-consuming job. Chan likens it to swimming upstream. "If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream."
"The fact is, I need God to help me love God. And if I need his help to love Him, a perfect being, I definitely need His help to love other, fault-filled humans. Something mysterious, even supernatural must happen in order for genuine love for God to grow in our hearts. The Holy Spirit has to move in our lives."
The thing that prevents us from loving God within our own ability is the presence of sin. But through the crucifixion of Jesus, we are set free from the bondage to sin in our lives. Jesus says in John 10, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." James says "Come near to God and He will come near to you. The key is letting the Holy Spirit in and allowing God to work.
Tomorrow is the first day of a several-month sort-of fast that I'm going to be doing with one of my incredible friends, Stephanie. I have named it the Freedom Fast, because the hope is that it will draw me close enough to the Holy Spirit that He will be able to set me free from the earthly distractions that are inhibiting intimacy with God. We are called to be free and that freedom is for the purpose of loving and serving others, not indulging our sinful nature (Galatians 5:13). And Spirit that brings LIFE has set us free from the power of sin and death! It's up to us to accept God's call and the freedom He wants to grant us. Each month I will be giving up something substantial, like all media for the month of September (including the blog), or only wearing a few select items of clothing for a month. My hope is that these sacrifices will be noticeable in my life, so whenever I wish I could have the thing I'm fasting from, I'll remember the reason and God will become a constant presence in my mind. I want it to be challenging. I want there to be frustration so that I have to go to God. In my cushy life, I need to do something that makes me realize my elemental need for Him.
So this is the conclusion, as I take a 30 day break from the blog. I will be seeking to love God more and make Him truly central in my life, and letting His love flow through me in my interactions with others. The blog will resume in October as the fast continues.
"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me." Revelation 3:20
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