(Postscript: I'm writing this sentence after the blog post is done, and what do you know, it took me almost an hour so we're going to go with Portland time and say it's still October. Nevertheless, the hiatus is broken.)
(Postpostscript: I published this post and found that my blog is in fact set in Pacific Time, so it made it in October after all. Success! I know this really isn't that big of a deal and you all are probably wondering why on earth this subject deserves half a paragraph and two postscripts but I just wanted to conclude, alright? gosh.)
There are two main areas in my life that I struggle in, and I know I've mentioned them before at least a couple times. Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12 that he continues to boast gladly about his weaknesses because through them, Christ's power may be made evident. So you're going to hear about them yet again. :)
First of all is my internal battle with pride and judgment. It's much more of an attitude thing (which is the adult manifestation; as a kid I was always a show-off), and it is very hard to control my thoughts sometimes. God often humbles me. For example (this kind of thing happens a lot), I'm thinking about how much someone annoys me because they have a bad attitude or complain or aren't consistent in their faith (seriously? what about the plank?), and then they mention that their parents are getting divorced or they have depression or something and I just can't believe my judgmental self. Needless to say, this gets very frustrating because all I want to do is love like Jesus. His love is unconditional and I KNOW I have the capacity to use it because the Holy Spirit dwells in me.
The second one is my computer, a huge distraction that I wrote about last October. I don't know what it is about the dumb machine, but I get some kind of serotonin/dopamine rush or ADHD satisfaction from spending time on it, and it sucks me in. I don't do anything inherently bad, but for me it is a sin because it steals time that belongs to God. I scroll through facebook, watch talented singers and tearjerking reunions and funny videos on Youtube, and read the myriad articles people post. I am addicted. In September, I fasted from all media including the computer, which I only used for assignments for which it was absolutely necessary. Let me tell you, the freedom was incredible. Even though I only waste one or two hours a day on the internet, the free time I had seemed to multiply and my brain was more focused. It was a great start to a great semester. When the month ended, I got back on facebook, wasn't very entertained, and closed the tab after 2 minutes (leaving about 20 others open--sorry Grace!). I was hopeful that it would stick. It's definitely better now that I have some perspective, but there are some days where all of a sudden my morning is gone and I need to go to class and I got nothing done and I want to throw my computer off a building. Unfortunately, I can't do that because I need it for important things like communication and classes.
Recently I was feeling a little defeated trying to beat these interferences, these barriers between deeper intimacy with me and God. Then in one of my classes, a professor mentioned that even though she's in her 40s, there are still things she's learning--and some things she's been learning for twenty years. That got me thinking: Maybe there's hope for me yet. I want to change so badly and I do everything I can, but I need to be patient. I was encouraged by the verse in Philippians 1 that says He is faithful to complete the good work He's started in me. Then one morning I woke up with a song stuck in my head, and its lyrics drove home the message that God's been trying to get to me.
You're not finished with me yet,
You're not finished with me yet!
By your power, I can change
I can change!
'Cause You're not finished with me yet.
He is still working in me! And guess what else!
The power that RAISED a man from the DEAD is the very same power that is at work within me, and within YOU! Take heart, and believe in that power!
Paul says to the Ephesians,
I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.That prayer is for us too! Even when we're at our weakest, the power of the Lord can help us humble ourselves enough that Christ may dwell in our hearts and His love can shine.
I'll leave you with my theme verse of this season of life, a quote from Jesus that Paul places right alongside his statement about boasting about his weaknesses:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness."
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