Recently I've been thinking about how to make God truly the center. I want to live a life fueled by His grace which makes everything possible. A life where my successes and accomplishments pale in comparison to knowing Him. I'm currently in the midst of PA school interviews all over the country, and it is beyond exciting that all my hard work is finally paying off. I've been reading Philippians a lot lately, and though I've read that book countless times this is one of those examples where all of a sudden a familiar passage has new meaning.
In the third chapter, Paul talks about all of his great accomplishments and righteous qualities (which, despite his point, many people find somewhat arrogant), and then goes on to say that he considers it all nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of Jesus.
All of a sudden, I understand much better where Paul was coming from.
Last week I had my third interview, at a school that is not my top choice but still a strong option, and I was really impressed with the program. I came away feeling confident that my interview went well, and I felt that I would be very happy and receive a great education there. I really thought I would get in, and I was excited to have my first acceptance so I could stop wondering, and know for sure that I was going somewhere.
Well, I heard back from the school yesterday. They have put me on a hold status, which means that they will reconsider my application with each new group of interviewees and I could receive an offer (or the alternative) at any point after the remaining interviews. It's funny, I was actually more disappointed to hear that than I was when I got the denial from OHSU.
After mulling over the program's response for a while, I started to see God telling me something: I have gotten a little too confident. Please bear with me, as I run the risk of sounding just like Paul in the following sentences. I know that I am a competitive applicant, and I have to be aware of all the reasons why so I can "sell" myself to each program. I've been blessed with qualities conducive to medicine, like a passion for science and learning, an unmitigated commitment to my goals, and the ability to relate to people. God has given me amazing opportunities to travel, serve, gain interesting experiences, and explore various areas of medicine. And I have worked HARD to get to this point--interview invitations are not easy to come by, and it's still crazy to me that this season of life I've been dreaming about for so many years is actually reality.
Because I have put years of time and effort towards getting into PA school (and spent so much time writing about my qualifications in seemingly endless application essays), I have started to feel a little entitled. A little cocky. I didn't realize the direction I was heading until this week. I was so sure that I was going to get my first offer, and I think that God knew that I needed to back up and eat some humble pie.
No matter how amazing my application is, I won't get in unless God wants me to. (And no matter what kind of mistakes or weaknesses I bring, I can still get in because nothing is too great a barrier for Him.) Certainly, things happen in life that God does not want. We are not His puppet show, and for that I'm grateful. I believe that there are many God-honoring directions my life could have gone (and could still go) and I have worked hard for the path I've chosen. There is no denying that.
But this email yesterday was a reminder that I am NOT entitled to go to PA school. I cannot have so much confidence in myself that I forget my God who has made all this possible.
When I get an offer, I don't want to think, "Yes, finally! Someone sees what a great addition I'll make to their program!"
I want to say, "Wow, God, you are so good. Even though I am a fallible, prideful human who doesn't always make you a priority, you are making my dream come true. What amazing grace you extend to me."
