I started my hospice job about three weeks ago, and today was my first day flying solo visiting patients. A year ago, I never would have considered hospice for a variety of reasons, but God tends to surprise me by piquing my interest and opening up opportunities in areas I never would have imagined. Hospice and palliative care is a field of medicine that began to intrigue me during a unit on end-of-life and dying in
lifespan psychology last year. Palliative care is simply stopping aggressive
treatment for the terminally ill and improving their quality of life so they
can enjoy their last few months of life. It does not exclude all medical
treatment, and sometimes even surgery might be appropriate if it will decrease
pain.
This approach is fairly counter-intuitive to the medical
model, which focuses on doing everything possible to kick the disease, often
making the patient weak and miserable in the process, as is the case with
chemotherapy drugs, for example. Many times, this is only temporary and the patient
survives the illness (and treatment) and goes on to live a healthy life. But
sometimes, an illness has gone so far, taken over so much of the body, that
drastic measures prolong death rather than extend life—and this is when
palliative care is a valuable option. However, it is difficult for healthcare
providers and families to conclude that treatment is hurting more than it’s
helping, especially in the face of so many amazing lifesaving medical advances.
My main clinical interest as a PA, other than serving the medically
underserved, is inpatient and critical care (people hospitalized for serious
illnesses). I believe hospice and palliative care is extremely valuable, and I
want to pursue any opportunity for me to learn about and understand this specialty.
If you read my previous blog posts, you know that God closed the doors for an amazing hospital job because He wanted me where I am now. I am very excited for this opportunity to take care of patients on hospice and serve their families and caregivers. But as I mentioned before, today was my first day on my own and of course God has more to teach me than I realized. My job consists of visiting 5-7 hospice patients per day in their place of residence (mostly adult care homes with 3-5 residents), giving them baths or showers, and doing any other kind of personal care needed.
Today was hard. Every patient took way longer than they were supposed to because I am so inexperienced, and I had a very difficult patient transfer that made me seriously question my abilities as a CNA. After we got her back in bed, I thought, "I should not be doing this. This job is not right for me. I can't do it." And if you know me, I do not say "I can't."
Being a CNA (certified nursing assistant) requires a certain set of skills, and not just anyone can do it. I got my CNA just so I could get my hours to apply to PA school, but this profession is not just a gateway job. It is challenging--physically and emotionally. Some people are gifted in the art of caregiving, and those are the people who make awesome CNAs. They are strong, organized, relational, efficient, nimble, and resourceful.
While some parts are easy for me--like forging relationships and being kind--other aspects of the job do not come naturally at all. I am not as physically strong as I thought (plus I think I have some kind of vitamin deficiency..). I have to work quickly to get all my patients done each day (and be on time--HA) but make them feel like they're each my only priority. I need to be very organized in order to keep all the tasks straight and chart accurately.
Thankfully my last few patients were great and the Lord encouraged me. But I see now that part of the reason that He put me in this job is so that I can learn to embrace my weaknesses and improve them instead of avoiding them. I am a high-achiever. I am used to working my butt off in school, and using my brain to memorize, connect, and use information is natural for me. But this job requires so much more than booksmarts, and that is hard for me. I want to be good at my job right now. I want the proficiency and efficiency to come effortlessly.
But how can I be perfect in a job that I just started? I can't.
I need to give myself grace. God is stretching me and I have to trust Him.
I will do my best. I will work hard to improve. And I will love those patients.
