He will remain faithful

Update: Another challenge has arisen because clearly I hadn't learned my lesson yet and God wanted to give me more trusting practice. My last semester of college I decided to drop anatomy and take pharmacology instead, which I absolutely reveled in. But anatomy is the last prereq for me to reapply to PA school next year, and it has proven to be EXTREMELY difficult to find a class for me to take here. You'd think in a city with some twelve universities I'd be able to find something. After spending several hours on this task on Monday, to say I was very frustrated would be an understatement.

I couldn't find any good possibilities on my own, and I was kicking myself for my decision to take anatomy out of my schedule (even though pharm was perfect for me in so many ways). But after a (fairly miserable) day to cool off, and an evening to myself, God started bringing me perspective again.

Oh my gosh just typing this out overwhelms me with thankfulness. I still don't have an answer about the anatomy thing but God is so faithful and so REAL.

Anyway, long story short there are only a few options left to me at this point, and they all have a catch of some kind or another. The easiest thing to do would be to take a fully online (with lab) course, which would mean I wouldn't be able to apply to OHSU's PA school--and as I've mentioned before, this is a place I've dreamed of going to for as long as I can remember.

But even though I had my time of freakout, I trust Him again. Last night, God started reminding me of all the things that are good in my life. I have so many things to be grateful for and to look forward to. Even when my faith fails, and I try to take control instead of trust, He is still faithful. Almost three years ago He made it absolutely clear that I should pursue PA school, and if that's still His plan for me, I know it will happen.

I don't need control. I just need to trust.

He really does answer prayer

*Part two*

Now for the explanation of the introduction from part one. A couple of weeks ago, I interviewed for a job at Oregon Health and Science University, a large, wonderful, state-of-the-art university hospital system. I have dreamed of working or going to school there for as long as I can remember. I would have gotten hired, but I could only commit to 6 months because of the possibility I might start school in April, and they were hoping for someone who could commit a little longer. They still wanted to consider me, so I was thrown into the waiting game. I was very thankful that they gave me a chance even though I couldn’t commit, but it was very frustrating to know that had I not been waiting on a PA school app, I indubitably would have gotten this amazing job. The one thing preventing me from getting the job was the one thing I couldn’t control, and I wasn’t about to withdraw my PA school application for a job.

I decided to apply for a hospice job this past Monday, about two weeks after I would have gotten hired at OHSU (while still waiting on an answer from them). Hospice and palliative care is a field of medicine that recently grabbed my interest as I realized its importance as a medical specialty, and how valuable it is to patients and their families.

I got invited in for an interview only two days later, and received a job offer half an hour after I left. I was ecstatic (I was in a store and it was all I could do to not announce my news to everyone I saw), but now I was in a dilemma.

I hadn’t heard back from OHSU, which was still my top choice, but I only had two days to make my decision. I emailed the nurse manager, and she let me know the next morning that she’d hired someone else who could commit for a longer time. She also said she would pass on my name for another OHSU job I’d applied for. I waited about two hours, and decided to go up there myself in interview attire, find the other nurse manager and re-present my application in person.

When I arrived, I located the nurse manager’s office and eagerly made my way there, resume and cover letter in hand. However, when I arrived I found that she had just left for a long weekend—I’d missed her by two hours. My thrill ride was over.

I went outside and sat on a bench for about 20 minutes, just thinking and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t know why I felt inclined to stay--it’s not like she was going to come back—but I did anyway. I felt like I wouldn’t have peace about the hospice job until I had an answer from OHSU, but I knew that God sometimes (often) requires us to make hard decisions largely on our own. Finally, I decided that there was no harm in leaving my resume packet for the nurse manager when she returned, just in case I decided to postpone my job decision.

As I walked back in, I prayed that God would help me figure this out and find peace. I asked one of the office people to give her my packet when she returned, and they directed me to a lady in an office behind me. I handed her the envelope and briefly told her my story, and it turns out, she is the one who hires CNAs. I had gotten the wrong name. The one who had left for the weekend had nothing to do with the job I applied for, but if I hadn't come back I never would have known. She had already hired someone for the position but we chatted a bit, and she gave me her card and all but promised me a job when another opening arises. I will keep my eyes open for job postings and maybe I can transition there sometime next year. In the meantime, I have accepted the hospice job and I can’t wait to start!

That day, God answered my prayers so clearly. I cried tears of joy the whole drive home (trying to keep it together at stoplights) because I was so overwhelmed by His provision. He nudged me to stay those extra 20 minutes and go back in to deliver my packet. He clearly shut the doors for OHSU at this time in my life and opened the doors for another wonderful opportunity. All of the little things I was concerned about had I gotten hired at the hospital are non-issues with my new job. This job is perfect for me in this time of life in so many ways (if you want to hear the lowdown, please ask me!).

I also received an email letting me know that my PA program has sent out all their interview invitations, and I didn’t get one. But I wasn’t even disappointed, because God has made Himself so evident in this whole process that I have complete confidence that if and when He wants me to get in, I will.

God is SO GOOD.

Teaching me to trust

This week has been crazy. I found out yesterday that I didn’t (99% sure) get into PA school this year, and that I didn’t get what I thought was my dream job—and I couldn’t be happier! God has absolutely blown me away with His faithfulness. He has answered my prayers so clearly and tangibly.

*I’ve split this post to make it more readable, so to continue the story click the link at the bottom*

As I’ve said in previous blog posts, this summer has been challenging for me. I’ve relished all the time with my family and finally being able to make Portland my home as an adult after only brief excursions and endless laudations on my part these last four years. I have enjoyed going to events and meeting a miscellany of people in a variety of places. But while my bold and determined personality is great for striking up conversations and landing job interviews, it makes it very difficult for me to be patient and relinquish control. I left nearly all of my close friends in Michigan (or Colorado) and I’ve been doing all I can to meet people here but it takes time for deep friendships to develop—and patience does not come naturally to me.

I have spent the last month and a half applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from Boston University PA program, and all of the unknowns kept building and the frustration kept mounting. I needed a job. I longed for friends. I wanted to be in school. I wanted to take the next step towards being a PA.

I prayed that God would help me be patient. That He would help me to really, fully trust. Honestly, I was afraid to trust Him completely because that meant that I would have to give up control—even though I really didn’t have control over anything in my life as it was.

Praying for God to change you is hard. Not only because it’s scary and nerve-wracking to let Him have access to you that deeply, but also because sometimes He waits a long time to respond. That is when the growth happens. God taught me several years ago to trust Him with the big picture of my life, and I really do. But then He reveals areas of my life that aren’t fully surrendered to Him, like when my joy faltered when my health failed me or when I realized that I was afraid to trust Him all the way.

At church we’re doing a sermon series on emotional health, and a couple weeks ago the pastor talked about the verse in Romans that says we are not slaves to fear, but children of God. Romans 8 is one of my favorite passages and God has taught me from it many times, and this verse all of a sudden had new meaning to me.

As a human, I AM a slave to fear. But as an adopted child redeemed by the Spirit, I am a slave no longer. That week I nervously made the decision to overcome fear in the power of the Holy Spirit and let God teach me to trust him fully. And you know what, friends? HE DID. Of course, the process of learning to trust is lifelong and by no means am I done, but I have experienced a major change. I really do trust Him so much more. I know that if I faithfully seek the Lord and actively listen for Him in the midst of my job and schooling pursuits, He will give me opportunities to serve and glorify Him—even if things are hard, unknown, or unexpected.

The Lord answered my prayer so evidently. I cried out to Him to help me trust, and He replied.

He is teaching me to trust, and it is amazing.

Continue to part 2 for the story :)