Here's the plan

I am a planner.  I give God the reins in my life so He can direct, but I like to figure out every possible option.  However, figuring out every possibility has the potential to put God in a box--He can always come up with things that we would never think of.  I want to have complete trust in God so that He can have complete control of my life, since He can see the big picture.  If God has control, He will be able to direct me in ways that will bring Him the most glory--and that's why He created me.  However, I've learned that when you ask God for something (like patience), He doesn't give you patience.  He gives you challenging opportunities to practice it.  And probably chuckles (but is right there for guidance).

One of the things that I've been thinking about a lot recently is the fact that I only depend on God emotionally.  (Here's my first post about that topic.)  I hear about Christians all over the world who literally rely on God to provide every meal, every rent payment, everything.  I've never experienced that, and while it sounds slightly terrifying, I know that God is faithful and I want to experience that total dependence on Him.

He gave me a couple opportunities to do just that, and the first one has to do with my money.  I've never had a fulltime job, so my savings are minimal.  I've pretty much emptied my account out with the CNA class this summer, and I had just enough left to pay for the GRE and CNA state testing (no exaggeration, there probably would have been about 25 bucks left over).  And then, I remembered that I had a tithe to pay from last year.  I was waiting to give it because since I haven't been committed to one church for more than a few months at a time (due to all my moving around), I didn't really have a church body that I felt like I should give to.  So I wanted to donate it to a homeless ministry in Portland.  Granted, I should have done it a long time ago but I remembered it again recently, and that tithe was the price of the GRE test.  If I gave the tithe, God would have to provide all of the funding or I couldn't take the GRE.  I prayed about it for a couple days, and then brought it up to my mom.  Her response was basically, "Well, there's not really a question is there?  You know what's right."  And I did.  That money was God's in the first place and I was benefiting no one by not fulfilling one simple request of God.  Now here's the awesome part.  Before I even had the chance to take the money out of my account and give it away, I mentioned to my friend that I was only going to be able to take the GRE if God provided the funds--and she offered to pay for me!  She said that people have blessed her like that in the past, and now that she has the means she wants to use what God has given her to bless others--and this girl has med school in her near future (that's expensive!).

What a good God I serve.

I keep thinking of the widow in Luke 21 who gave her two coins to the church.  Jesus' response was memorable: "I tell you the truth.  This poor widow has put in more than all the others.  All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."  She trusted God and had such gratitude for the life He had given her that she gave back everything to Him.  After seeing this small instance of God's provision in my life, I want to continue to be generous with His money that's in my stewardship, and trust that He will provide when there doesn't seem to be enough for my needs.  I never want to forget the blessings that come with the simple act of obedience that is using God's money to glorify Him.

The second thing I will be doing to drive the focus of my life to the Lord is my own version of the Seven fast.  (I've talked about this book briefly in another post, but you should seriously check out Jen Hatmaker's website and read about her books--or buy them.  They're thought-provoking, funny, and potentially life-changing.)  I loved the book Seven, but at the time wasn't really interested in doing the fast.  Recently though, I've grown so tired of the mediocrity of my faith.  I want my life to be radically about God, every moment, every action, every word.  The Seven fast has been on my mind a lot recently but it's not something I was about to jump into on a whim.  Not only does it require planning and a support system, it's not supposed to be fun.  I mentioned the possibility to a friend (the same friend who's paying for my GRE) and said I was sort of thinking about praying about it.  She said that if I was that resistant, maybe I should just pray.  And I realized that I needed to do it.

I need to come up with a new name for it because I'm not doing it exactly like Seven, but ultimately, my everyday routine will be challenged.  I will have to be focused on God when I can only eat a few foods for a month, or wear a few articles of clothing, or give away things that are valuable to me.  At this point, I'm still praying and looking for at least one other person to do it with me, so we can support each other.  I'm excited to grow closer to God through it this coming school year.

I want God to make the plans in my life, and I hope that every action I make will bring me closer to a life fully entrusted to him.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

Time well spent

My last two weeks have been filled with early morning CNA clinicals.  I've been working at a nursing facility whose residents all suffer from some kind of psychiatric issue, whether it be dementia (the most common), schizophrenia, bipolar, or anything else.  I think old people are the sweetest, and I didn't doubt that I would get at least a little attached to me residents, but I never guessed that I would fall in love.  These residents, though many of them are noncommunicative, are so much fun and have such great personalities.  It's weird and sad to think that after Saturday, I'll probably never see any of them again.  I've loved getting to know the residents and their habits and preferences.  I love seeing Calvin wander up and down the hall, eyes half closed but somehow avoiding all the walls, and offering a sweet smile to anyone who says hi.  I love waving to Luisa every morning and seeing the joy she gets helping us tidy up.  I love Gwen's mischievous face and her easy grin and hilarious personality.  I love Harold's encouragement, always asking for me, and the conversations we have.  I love Earl's short responses and his love for radio set to his favorite genre, and his grins when washing his ears and toes tickles him.  There are many more, but that gives you a little idea of the delight that comes with working with these people.  (Note: All names have been changed.)

As much as I've enjoyed these past two weeks, I still don't think I could do a job like that, even short-term.  I don't mind changing adult diapers and feeding people, showering them and cleaning up poop, but ultimately, it's too sad.  It's hard to see these people, especially the few younger ones, whose minds are ravaged by dementia and other diseases, who are rarely visited by family, who are only going to deteriorate, and know that this is their life now.  For some of them, it's doubtful that there's any quality of life left.  It's sad to think that most of them used to have jobs and families, full lives; now each day is just like it was when they were babies: eat, toilet, sleep, repeat, with a daily activity or two thrown in there.  Many of the residents are combative or violent, and that would difficult to deal with as well.

But, that said, I am so thankful for my time there.  I hope I never forget these people, and I hope that no matter where I go in life I will continue to remember the lonely generation deserted in nursing homes who would love some companionship.  And as my roommate realized this past semester, there is no one who needs God and is more receptive than the elderly in assisted living.  They're much closer to death, and often feeling alone and purposeless, with their normal lives a thing of the past.  They need Jesus for company and joy, and a hope for the future instead of fear.