You know you're a science major when...

Shameless admission: I am a complete nerd. I got done with my semester a couple of weeks ago, and I've really enjoyed being home with my family, making music, hanging out, and catching up. But not being in school has been a weird adjustment (and I still haven't adjusted).  I love learning and I always invest a lot of time into my classes, but I would say that this semester has been the most time-consuming one yet (and will probably be the winner until PA school).  I'm so used to studying all the time and having a list that grows two projects longer for every one I check off that now that all of that is finished, I literally don't know what to do with myself.

I have a bunch of books from the library and I have read three already, but I just want to be productive.  Since I'm currently on break, there aren't many pressing tasks. (I do have prep and paperwork for a senior research project that I've been chipping away at, and that's been good.) I actually miss biochemistry. No joke, on Christmas Day while we waited for family to arrive I explained and drew out beta oxidation (how the body breaks down fat) to my mom and grandma, who patiently listened and probably understood nothing once I started talking about acyl-CoA dehydrogenase.

Today someone suggested that I write on my blog, but I couldn't think of anything to say (What? Erin has nothing to say? Is she deathly ill?). Then I remembered a post-in-the-making that I've been adding to for a year or two, and thought this would be the perfect time to share it.

You know you're a science major when...

• You look forward to weekends because you finally have uninterrupted study time

• Your study breaks consist of reading a book or studying flashcards from a different class

• You have ever studied while sitting on the toilet or brushing your teeth

• When you discover some cool obscure fact, you feel the need to inform all your non-science-y friends (for example, pyocyanin is a blue pigment produced by P. aeruginosa and when a wound is infected by these bacteria the pus is blue!)

• It's perfectly normal to talk about bodily functions and blood while eating

• You dream about organic chemistry

• You lay in bed automatically reviewing and reciting even though the test is over

• Every school notebook has lab notes or functional groups doodled on it, regardless of what class it's actually for

• You can't have normal conversations around test time because the only words you can think of no one will understand or care

• You know a lot of Greek letters

• Words like dihydroxyacetone phosphate, glyceraldehyde 3-phosphate dehydrogenase, thin layer chromatography, acetylcholine, and SDS-PAGE (sodium dodecyl sulfate polyacrylimide gel electrophoresis) are everyday words to you

• You use tons of abbreviations

• Autocorrect is annoying because as many times as you try to type NAD, the computer unhelpfully "fixes" it to AND

• Normal symbols like [ ] or ∆ now have different meanings

• You think certain molds are cute and stuffed E. coli or salmonella are awesome

• When you eat, you think about amylase and when you're sick, you get mad at prostaglandins

• The dumbest things in lab become hilarious because it's better than crying

• You study until you can't study anymore, and then you keep studying

• Your classmates become your family

• Even when things get frustrating or seem impossible, you press on because you love it and you know it'll be worth it in the end.

My first Love

I'm kind of bummed that I've only posted once this semester so far because it has been SUCH a good one.  I have been journaling, so hopefully, maybe someday, I will catch my blog up on the things that have made this semester just so great.  But to summarize, I've been prioritizing my time a lot better, staying on top of classes (and thus avoiding stress), sleeping enough, investing in the relationships that are important, turning acquaintances with wonderful people into real friendships, cooking up a storm, enjoying solitary apartment living, and being thrifty with no limits (last week I patched up my falling-apart-boots with foil, pieces of plastic packaging, superglue, and waterproof spray. bam.).

I had to start with that because this week has been one of the more challenging ones.  All of the end of the year deadlines are starting to loom, and though I've started some of the projects already, there's a lot to do.  Biochem has definitely been my favorite class this semester.  It's certainly my hardest and most time-consuming, but it is fascinating and applicable and brings together all my scientific knowledge gained thus far and relates it to the biology of life.  I love it.  But because I've been working so hard to stay on top of biochem, I've literally been going nonstop.  Every day, every weekend, reading and studying.  This week I started to feel burnout, something I've never experienced before because usually I go in waves from drowning to swimming to treading water to drowning (wow, the waves thing worked out unexpectedly well with that analogy haha).  Because I've been plowing through so steadily, out of the blue I just really needed a break and I temporarily lost all desire to study.  (This is what I was memorizing, which didn't help the motivation level much.)

Last night I was all set to get a good couple hours of studying and then set up my Christmas tree, since the first snow of the season happened yesterday (WOOHOO!).  But instead I found myself succumbing to self-pity and I just did not want to study anymore.  However, I also didn't want to complain because I knew that wouldn't help anything, so after consulting my wise friend, I came home, listened to some Jesus music (Rend Collective) and went to bed.  This morning I woke up in a cold and disinterested mood.  I was getting close to just embracing it and telling my friends how much biochem was sucking my joy, but I knew that that wasn't the right thing to do for someone who claims to depend on Jesus.  I desperately turned Rend Collective back on, and God got me.  When God speaks to me, it's almost always through music, and Rend is His current venue.  Here's a part of the song Simplicity:

Lord strip it all away
'Til only You remain
I'm coming back
To my first love
Only You

You're the reason I sing
The reason I sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You
And forever I'll sing
Forever I'll sing
Yes my heart will sing
How I love You

How I love You
My first love

The Lord reminded me once again that my joy and my attitude cannot depend on my current situation in life, because those are not reliable.  But He is.

 Then I left for class and was struck by the beauty and purity of the frozen white swirling through the air.   Normally when I see snow all I can think about how soon Christmas is but today it simply demonstrated to me God's peace and sovereignty.

I love my front yard.

Come visit me and you can see this cute doorstep in real life! It'll have snow for months and months, don't worry.

There's no denying it, this upcoming week and a half before Thanksgiving break are going to be insane.  I have several major papers to write and projects to do, a labor-intensive take-home test in biochem, exams to study for, and meetings to schedule.  I'm sure I will have my moments of frustration and apathy.  But as I plunge in, I am choosing to channel the eustress into determination and drive.  Hopefully this will be one of my most productive weekends yet, and will be indicative of the success of the following week.

And I will remember my first Love.

He's not finished with me yet!

Dear readers, I am so sorry for the hiatus! September was a no-media month, and then October just got busy and now it's gone! Only half an hour left over here in Eastern Standard Time.  Ooh, new goal: try and get post done before midnight so I can have one in October!  I'll write another post about how the Freedom Fast is going soon, but today I have something else I want to talk about.
(Postscript: I'm writing this sentence after the blog post is done, and what do you know, it took me almost an hour so we're going to go with Portland time and say it's still October. Nevertheless, the hiatus is broken.)
(Postpostscript: I published this post and found that my blog is in fact set in Pacific Time, so it made it in October after all. Success! I know this really isn't that big of a deal and you all are probably wondering why on earth this subject deserves half a paragraph and two postscripts but I just wanted to conclude, alright? gosh.)

There are two main areas in my life that I struggle in, and I know I've mentioned them before at least a couple times.  Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12 that he continues to boast gladly about his weaknesses because through them, Christ's power may be made evident.  So you're going to hear about them yet again. :)

First of all is my internal battle with pride and judgment.  It's much more of an attitude thing (which is the adult manifestation; as a kid I was always a show-off), and it is very hard to control my thoughts sometimes.  God often humbles me.  For example (this kind of thing happens a lot), I'm thinking about how much someone annoys me because they have a bad attitude or complain or aren't consistent in their faith (seriously? what about the plank?), and then they mention that their parents are getting divorced or they have depression or something and I just can't believe my judgmental self.  Needless to say, this gets very frustrating because all I want to do is love like Jesus.  His love is unconditional and I KNOW I have the capacity to use it because the Holy Spirit dwells in me.

The second one is my computer, a huge distraction that I wrote about last October.  I don't know what it is about the dumb machine, but I get some kind of serotonin/dopamine rush or ADHD satisfaction from spending time on it, and it sucks me in.  I don't do anything inherently bad, but for me it is a sin because it steals time that belongs to God.  I scroll through facebook, watch talented singers and tearjerking reunions and funny videos on Youtube, and read the myriad articles people post.  I am addicted.  In September, I fasted from all media including the computer, which I only used for assignments for which it was absolutely necessary.  Let me tell you, the freedom was incredible.  Even though I only waste one or two hours a day on the internet, the free time I had seemed to multiply and my brain was more focused.  It was a great start to a great semester.  When the month ended, I got back on facebook, wasn't very entertained, and closed the tab after 2 minutes (leaving about 20 others open--sorry Grace!).  I was hopeful that it would stick.  It's definitely better now that I have some perspective, but there are some days where all of a sudden my morning is gone and I need to go to class and I got nothing done and I want to throw my computer off a building.  Unfortunately, I can't do that because I need it for important things like communication and classes.

Recently I was feeling a little defeated trying to beat these interferences, these barriers between deeper intimacy with me and God.  Then in one of my classes, a professor mentioned that even though she's in her 40s, there are still things she's learning--and some things she's been learning for twenty years.  That got me thinking: Maybe there's hope for me yet.  I want to change so badly and I do everything I can, but I need to be patient.  I was encouraged by the verse in Philippians 1 that says He is faithful to complete the good work He's started in me.  Then one morning I woke up with a song stuck in my head, and its lyrics drove home the message that God's been trying to get to me.

You're not finished with me yet,
You're not finished with me yet!
By your power, I can change
I can change!
'Cause You're not finished with me yet.

He is still working in me! And guess what else!
The power that RAISED a man from the DEAD is the very same power that is at work within me, and within YOU!  Take heart, and believe in that power!

Paul says to the Ephesians,

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.

 That prayer is for us too!  Even when we're at our weakest, the power of the Lord can help us humble ourselves enough that Christ may dwell in our hearts and His love can shine.

I'll leave you with my theme verse of this season of life, a quote from Jesus that Paul places right alongside his statement about boasting about his weaknesses:

 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness."

Love

Let's see.... updates on my life.  Well, I've been at Cannon Beach Conference Center for the past few weeks working end of summer staff, both as a floater and now as fulltime youth staff.  I've really enjoyed getting to know the staff here and it's been super fun hanging out with the high-schoolers!  I took the GRE and got a good score and sent it to four grad schools (it's getting real now!) and passed my CNA state test!  Yesterday I spent a couple hours meal planning and figuring out logistics for the month of September which will be sans computer (except for school)--the first month of the Freedom Fast.  I am SO ready to start my senior year!  It's weird to think that I'll actually be in classes in just a couple days, because usually I'm in Michigan for at least a week before school starts, and this year I fly out the day before.  It'll be a whirlwind. :)

So this is slightly embarrassing to admit, but hey, I've never shied away from personal stuff before.  The past couple days, I've just been wanting a man in my life.  Now the truth is, I am very much single and very content for the time being.  I am super excited to get married someday, but I'm in no rush.  If the man God has for me isn't going to be available for several more years, that's okay with me.  Plus the longer I'm single, the more time I have to grow more Christlike and closer to God, which will allow me to bless my man more when he comes into the picture.  But there are some times when it would just be so nice to have a hand to hold or a date buddy or a fellow harmonizer of the tenor (or bass) ilk.  I don't usually get sad or anything, just wistful.  And snuggly (so watch out, girlfriends!).

I have the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan that I started earlier in the summer and never got very far, and I figured that since I was yearning for a man, I would focus on the One that loves me more than anyone ever will.  Guys, I seriously want to quote this whole book to you.  The chapters I read yesterday I'm pretty sure were actually written to me (from my future self living in Francis Chan's past body? creepy).  SO exact.

Here's a quote from Henri Nouwen's With Open Hands that Chan used:

Oh God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more.  I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace.  I am ashamed of my lack of desire.  Oh God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still.  Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed.  Begin in mercy a new work of love within me.  Say to me soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away."  Then give me grace to rise up and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.

Literally, this is my thoughts put into words.  I want God to give me the ability to love Him with the core of my being.  Chan talks about what it actually looks like when we're in love with someone.  We will drive an hour just to see them for a few minutes.  We spend a lot of money on a gift or a plane ticket.  We'll do anything to be together.  I thought I loved God, but when it's put like this, I realized that my actions are not consistent with true love of the Creator.  It is SO HARD to make a life centered on God.  Loving Him by acknowledging Him with every action and every thought.  Trusting Him by being willing to give Him back everything He's lent me and trust Him to provide.

In Malachi 3, God says to the people, "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house.  Test me in this,' says the Lord Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.'"  He wants us to test Him, to give Him more than we think we can manage so that He can show us His provision.

Loving God is a fulltime, all-consuming job.  Chan likens it to swimming upstream.  "If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream.  When we stop swimming or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream."

"The fact is, I need God to help me love God.  And if I need his help to love Him, a perfect being, I definitely need His help to love other, fault-filled humans.  Something mysterious, even supernatural must happen in order for genuine love for God to grow in our hearts.  The Holy Spirit has to move in our lives."

The thing that prevents us from loving God within our own ability is the presence of sin.  But through the crucifixion of Jesus, we are set free from the bondage to sin in our lives.  Jesus says in John 10, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  James says "Come near to God and He will come near to you.  The key is letting the Holy Spirit in and allowing God to work.

Tomorrow is the first day of a several-month sort-of fast that I'm going to be doing with one of my incredible friends, Stephanie.  I have named it the Freedom Fast, because the hope is that it will draw me close enough to the Holy Spirit that He will be able to set me free from the earthly distractions that are inhibiting intimacy with God.  We are called to be free and that freedom is for the purpose of loving and serving others, not indulging our sinful nature (Galatians 5:13).  And Spirit that brings LIFE has set us free from the power of sin and death!  It's up to us to accept God's call and the freedom He wants to grant us.  Each month I will be giving up something substantial, like all media for the month of September (including the blog), or only wearing a few select items of clothing for a month.  My hope is that these sacrifices will be noticeable in my life, so whenever I wish I could have the thing I'm fasting from, I'll remember the reason and God will become a constant presence in my mind.  I want it to be challenging.  I want there to be frustration so that I have to go to God.  In my cushy life, I need to do something that makes me realize my elemental need for Him.

So this is the conclusion, as I take a 30 day break from the blog.  I will be seeking to love God more and make Him truly central in my life, and letting His love flow through me in my interactions with others.  The blog will resume in October as the fast continues.

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with Me." Revelation 3:20

He gives us freedom

So a couple of days ago I went to see The Giver with my sister.  I read the book this summer so I was excited to see the film adaptation--but I was not expecting to see so many spiritual aspects and incredible spiritual parallels.  I'll try not to put any spoilers in here but I'm not promising anything so if you haven't read the book then be careful.  First of all, the whole premise of the story is a world in which everything is controlled and contrived in an attempt to create perfection for its citizens.  But the real result is a purposeless world and a people devoid of emotion, culture, and uniqueness.  The people have been brainwashed to the point where they have even lost the ability to see color, and the first portion of the movie is in black and white to illustrate this monotony.  There are strict rules that everyone must follow in order to keep the world the way that it is.  True love does not exist; instead, those who are chosen to be parents are paired together into family units, and receive children from birth mothers.  Every citizen takes daily injections (or pills, in the book) to eliminate the Stirrings (sexual feelings) and essentially all other emotion.  Only one person, the Giver, holds all memories of history and culture and all of the joys and heartache that those memories contain.  The people experience feelings, which are brief and fleeting, but do not understand the depth of true love, anger, joy, or sadness.

This attempt at utopia is exactly the opposite of what God intended for us.  He created people with free will so that we can not only choose to love Him but experience what it means to be loved, to be unique, to be emotional, spiritual beings.  Jonas, the main character in the Giver, is chosen to be the Receiver of Memory, the new keeper of all experiences in the past.  In daily meetings, the Giver transmits memories to Jonas; memories of loving families, joyful dancing at weddings, the pain of death, the agony of war, the beauty of culture.  Jonas begins to understand, and desire, the deep emotions that he's been prevented from experiencing his entire life.  The movie paints a beautiful image of culture and diversity, showing clips from all over the world and portraying love in its many different manifestations.

I was struck by the parallels to the freedom that we have in Christ, who lets us choose to follow Him.  If we did not have free will, this world would be dreary and emotionless.  God gives us the freedom to love Him and love others, and the incredible diversity that results from the endless variety of people all over the world is amazing.  The elders of the Community were trying to create a world free of pain, both physical and emotional, by eliminating variability.  But a huge part of what makes life dynamic is emotions, and when emotions are lost, so is purpose.  Real life is full of hurt and anguish and difficult choices, but also joy and excitement and love.  Without these, there is no meaning to life.  And without God, we cannot experience love, joy, and peace to their fullest extents.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.  Freedom to love Him and experience His gifts.  Freedom from the bondage to sin and decay.  Freedom to reflect God's glory and become more and more like Him.

Here's the plan

I am a planner.  I give God the reins in my life so He can direct, but I like to figure out every possible option.  However, figuring out every possibility has the potential to put God in a box--He can always come up with things that we would never think of.  I want to have complete trust in God so that He can have complete control of my life, since He can see the big picture.  If God has control, He will be able to direct me in ways that will bring Him the most glory--and that's why He created me.  However, I've learned that when you ask God for something (like patience), He doesn't give you patience.  He gives you challenging opportunities to practice it.  And probably chuckles (but is right there for guidance).

One of the things that I've been thinking about a lot recently is the fact that I only depend on God emotionally.  (Here's my first post about that topic.)  I hear about Christians all over the world who literally rely on God to provide every meal, every rent payment, everything.  I've never experienced that, and while it sounds slightly terrifying, I know that God is faithful and I want to experience that total dependence on Him.

He gave me a couple opportunities to do just that, and the first one has to do with my money.  I've never had a fulltime job, so my savings are minimal.  I've pretty much emptied my account out with the CNA class this summer, and I had just enough left to pay for the GRE and CNA state testing (no exaggeration, there probably would have been about 25 bucks left over).  And then, I remembered that I had a tithe to pay from last year.  I was waiting to give it because since I haven't been committed to one church for more than a few months at a time (due to all my moving around), I didn't really have a church body that I felt like I should give to.  So I wanted to donate it to a homeless ministry in Portland.  Granted, I should have done it a long time ago but I remembered it again recently, and that tithe was the price of the GRE test.  If I gave the tithe, God would have to provide all of the funding or I couldn't take the GRE.  I prayed about it for a couple days, and then brought it up to my mom.  Her response was basically, "Well, there's not really a question is there?  You know what's right."  And I did.  That money was God's in the first place and I was benefiting no one by not fulfilling one simple request of God.  Now here's the awesome part.  Before I even had the chance to take the money out of my account and give it away, I mentioned to my friend that I was only going to be able to take the GRE if God provided the funds--and she offered to pay for me!  She said that people have blessed her like that in the past, and now that she has the means she wants to use what God has given her to bless others--and this girl has med school in her near future (that's expensive!).

What a good God I serve.

I keep thinking of the widow in Luke 21 who gave her two coins to the church.  Jesus' response was memorable: "I tell you the truth.  This poor widow has put in more than all the others.  All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."  She trusted God and had such gratitude for the life He had given her that she gave back everything to Him.  After seeing this small instance of God's provision in my life, I want to continue to be generous with His money that's in my stewardship, and trust that He will provide when there doesn't seem to be enough for my needs.  I never want to forget the blessings that come with the simple act of obedience that is using God's money to glorify Him.

The second thing I will be doing to drive the focus of my life to the Lord is my own version of the Seven fast.  (I've talked about this book briefly in another post, but you should seriously check out Jen Hatmaker's website and read about her books--or buy them.  They're thought-provoking, funny, and potentially life-changing.)  I loved the book Seven, but at the time wasn't really interested in doing the fast.  Recently though, I've grown so tired of the mediocrity of my faith.  I want my life to be radically about God, every moment, every action, every word.  The Seven fast has been on my mind a lot recently but it's not something I was about to jump into on a whim.  Not only does it require planning and a support system, it's not supposed to be fun.  I mentioned the possibility to a friend (the same friend who's paying for my GRE) and said I was sort of thinking about praying about it.  She said that if I was that resistant, maybe I should just pray.  And I realized that I needed to do it.

I need to come up with a new name for it because I'm not doing it exactly like Seven, but ultimately, my everyday routine will be challenged.  I will have to be focused on God when I can only eat a few foods for a month, or wear a few articles of clothing, or give away things that are valuable to me.  At this point, I'm still praying and looking for at least one other person to do it with me, so we can support each other.  I'm excited to grow closer to God through it this coming school year.

I want God to make the plans in my life, and I hope that every action I make will bring me closer to a life fully entrusted to him.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

Time well spent

My last two weeks have been filled with early morning CNA clinicals.  I've been working at a nursing facility whose residents all suffer from some kind of psychiatric issue, whether it be dementia (the most common), schizophrenia, bipolar, or anything else.  I think old people are the sweetest, and I didn't doubt that I would get at least a little attached to me residents, but I never guessed that I would fall in love.  These residents, though many of them are noncommunicative, are so much fun and have such great personalities.  It's weird and sad to think that after Saturday, I'll probably never see any of them again.  I've loved getting to know the residents and their habits and preferences.  I love seeing Calvin wander up and down the hall, eyes half closed but somehow avoiding all the walls, and offering a sweet smile to anyone who says hi.  I love waving to Luisa every morning and seeing the joy she gets helping us tidy up.  I love Gwen's mischievous face and her easy grin and hilarious personality.  I love Harold's encouragement, always asking for me, and the conversations we have.  I love Earl's short responses and his love for radio set to his favorite genre, and his grins when washing his ears and toes tickles him.  There are many more, but that gives you a little idea of the delight that comes with working with these people.  (Note: All names have been changed.)

As much as I've enjoyed these past two weeks, I still don't think I could do a job like that, even short-term.  I don't mind changing adult diapers and feeding people, showering them and cleaning up poop, but ultimately, it's too sad.  It's hard to see these people, especially the few younger ones, whose minds are ravaged by dementia and other diseases, who are rarely visited by family, who are only going to deteriorate, and know that this is their life now.  For some of them, it's doubtful that there's any quality of life left.  It's sad to think that most of them used to have jobs and families, full lives; now each day is just like it was when they were babies: eat, toilet, sleep, repeat, with a daily activity or two thrown in there.  Many of the residents are combative or violent, and that would difficult to deal with as well.

But, that said, I am so thankful for my time there.  I hope I never forget these people, and I hope that no matter where I go in life I will continue to remember the lonely generation deserted in nursing homes who would love some companionship.  And as my roommate realized this past semester, there is no one who needs God and is more receptive than the elderly in assisted living.  They're much closer to death, and often feeling alone and purposeless, with their normal lives a thing of the past.  They need Jesus for company and joy, and a hope for the future instead of fear.

What Jesus wants

I just finished two long weeks of CNA training today, and I'm moving on to clinicals on Monday.  Every day I left my house at 6:15am and didn't get back till almost 6 every evening.  Coming into it, I knew it was going to be hard to keep up with my devotions, and for the first week guess how many I did: zero.  But then over the weekend, I didn't have much of a break and I was not mentally ready for another day of class this past Monday.  I decided that I needed to make first priorities first (this sounds familiar..) and spend time with God.  I took the bus because it is cheaper than driving, so I have a whole hour every day on the way there, and I started to use that time to journal and read this awesome book called The 10 Second Rule.  That time became a very refreshing time every morning on my way to class, and I'm so glad that I didn't wait any longer than a week to get back to devotions.

The 10 Second Rule is basically a challenge to "just do the next thing you're reasonably certain Jesus wants you to do."  Man, it is such a good book!  I've been needing something to knock me out of this funk and mediocrity, and this book is so challenging and encouraging.  I want to just post a bunch of quotes right here but I'm not exactly sure on the legality of posting pieces of books on blogs, plus I don't think it would be as meaningful for you as it is for me.  Just read the book. :)

Anyway, being in this CNA class has got me thinking really hard about what it looks like to be a Christian in the secular world.  First off, I realized how selfish and foolish it was to not be spending consistent time with God during a time when I was interacting with people who didn't know Him every single day.  Selfish because as a Christian, my purpose is to represent Jesus and be a light and encouragement to others, whether they know Him or not.  When I don't spend time with God, I am not being filled with the Spirit and His fruits (love, patience, gentleness, etc), and I can't be an effective witness.  That's selfish because I'm forgetting my purpose.  Skipping my tent time is also foolish because I'm not giving God opportunity to convict me of sins and mistakes, fill me with joy and wisdom as well as the ability to glorify Him, and speak to me--and it becomes that much easier for Satan to distract me, to try and get me to conform to the world's standards.

In his first book, Peter says we should set apart Christ Jesus as Lord in our hearts, and always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks why we have the hope we have.  That preparedness and sanctification ("set-apartness") can come only when our lives are consumed by Christ.

Okay forget it I just want to put the quotes in here.  I'm pretty sure it falls under the Fair Use rule or whatever it is (I just read an article).  The reason that the 10 Second Rule is such a challenge is that it requires us to ignore what our brain wants us to do (not go out of our comfort zone, not take a risk, not talk to a stranger) and instead do what God wants us to do.  The author of the book, Clare De Graaf, made a really interesting point.  What if we get an inkling of an idea (e.g. go talk to that person to encourage them or go help that lady with her groceries), but aren't sure it's from God?  Ultimately, it doesn't matter!  When we really know God, we can have a sense that we should do something and be able to tell if it is consistent with his character.  Would the action show love or patience or kindness?  God wants you to do it.  De Graaf reminds us that there are guidelines that Christians should always follow, even if it's not a command for a specific event.  For example, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor.  So when we see someone in need, we should put down whatever we're doing and help them because Jesus already told us to--it applies every time.

Proverbs 2:2-6 says that if we seek wisdom and cry out for understanding, searching for it like hidden treasure, "then [we] will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.  For the Lord gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowledge and understanding."  I think knowing God's will begins here, with the little things.  His will for us is already in the Bible. Sure, it may not be specific to life's events, but sometimes it doesn't have to be.  It just takes boldness on our part, a willingness to step outside of our comfort zones.  Even this week God has already given me opportunities to practice this 10 Second Rule concept.  I need to stay in prayer and be consistent with my tent time so that I am in tune with God's desires.

And, here's the best part!  In Romans 7 Paul describes his inner conflict between the good his heart wants and the indwelling sinful nature that tries to distract.  Verse 22 says "For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of win at work within my members."  He sounds pretty distraught, and this struggle, the clash between human selfishness and desire to do God's will, is no foreign subject to any Christian--definitely not to me!

But there's hope!  We do not have to be slaves to the sinful nature, "because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of LIFE set me free from the law of sin and death!"  That's Romans 8, an incredible chapter that has new meaning all the time.

So the moral (well, morals) of the story is:
Time with God is important.  Don't skimp.
To grow closer to Him, seek understanding of His will in the Bible.
Be willing to step outside the comfort zone to be the light of Jesus to someone.
And don't be discouraged! Jesus' sacrifice has set us free, and God promises peace!

Dream and updates

Okay sorry for the lamest title ever!  I just could not come up with anything clever or even remotely interesting.  At least it's descriptive...?

One of my favorite things about my family is that we (well, they, since I usually don't live with them) are very hospitable.  The house has always been open to people who need a place to crash for a night, and we love hosting friends for a week or weekend or whatever.  Sometimes in the summer there are short periods where we move from room to room as various people move in and out.  Anyway, all that was just to preface a funny dream my dad had last night that I want to immortalize here.  In the dream, he was sleeping in the room that my sister and I used to share, in one of two twin beds against opposite walls.  He woke up in the middle of the night to find a large man sleeping on one side of him in the same bed, and on the other side lay a 9-month-old infant.  My dad then looked across the room and saw six or seven little girls in the other bed, in the style of these dogs (watch the video, it's really short and cute!).  Apparently in the dream he didn't think anything of finding all of these random people in his room and bed; he just figured that they had come by during the night needing a place to stay and my mom let them in.  Haha.

Also, I don't think I've posted since I've been home.  I was in a friend's wedding the day before I flew home, and it was just beautiful and I was so glad and honored to be a part of it.  Since I got home, it's been awesome being with my family.  Making music with my dad and sister, and enjoying food with my mom, and just spending time with each other.

Oh, so as a part of my commitment to tent time, I've started reading Joshua.  I'm a little ashamed to admit that I've been trying to get through the Old Testament for... two years now?  I've read the New Testament tons of times, and a lot of the Old as well, but one of my (nonbelieving) friends once inquired, how can a person be a Christian if they haven't even read the entire Bible?  I don't agree with this completely, but for real, I have this whole book of God's word and I haven't even read the whole thing!  Something is wrong here.  So I'm trying yet again to read the OT, and I'm skipping the Pentateuch (the first five books) because I've read those a few times.  But this time, I'm writing a short, 3-4 sentence summary of each chapter as I go through.  Not only does habit this make the reading more memorable because I'm writing it down, it also helps motivate me to really think about what it's saying (a necessary task for summarizing).  It's been great so far and I think I'll definitely continue this idea as I work through the OT.

One last thing: Last night I took a CPR/BLS (basic life support) class for healthcare providers and not only did I get to use a bag valve mask, I am again certified in CPR and have a card that says Healthcare Provider with my name on it!  One step closer... :)

In the silence

I have a couple of things to share today.  After only a few days of sticking to my commitment, I've started to come into my tent time with excitement.   Usually I feel guilty for being on the computer or doing something else instead of spending time with Him, but I guess now that I have made the decision to do it every day and knowing that I can't back down has made it more joyful.  Instead of a thought process like, "Auugh I should be doing tent time right now... buuut I'll do it later... but this is more fun (and meaningless).." it's more like, "Hey well I'm going to do it today anyway no matter what, so why not now?"  I'm really enjoying my time with God, even though there's no deep spiritual revelation coming out of it right now (at least as far as I can tell).  Commitment comes before intimacy :)

I was going to save this post and post it a few days later so I could also include an update on how my tent time commitment is going, but I just want to publish it now.  So far I've had five days in a row in which I've spent intentional time with God.  Making progress!

Oh and in case any of you were wanting a brief life update, I finished school a little over a week ago and am now a senior in college (WHAT.).  However, I'm not home yet because my beautiful wonderful friend Lydia is getting married on Saturday and I'm staying for her wedding.  This Sunday I fly home to see my family, and I'M SO EXCITED!!!  My summer plans include taking a CNA (certified nursing assistant) class, volunteering back at my hospital (I say "my" because I've volunteered there for years and it has a special place in my heart), spending lots of time with my awesome family (whom I haven't seen in almost five months, and haven't lived with in nearly two years), and taking the GRE (the graduate record exam, so I can apply to grad school in a year!)!!  Mmm I just love those parentheses... (and ellipses...)

And now, back to the topic at hand.  Earlier this year, a godly lady that I knew from high school posted something on facebook that was very pertinent to where I was (am) at.  I saved it for a future blog post and recently I asked her if I could share it here.  It was going to go in my last post but that got too long, so here you go.

Twice recently I have heard it suggested that spiritual discontentment is actually a divine discontentment. I often interpret my doubt and discouragement as regression in my faith, taking two steps back; but I am rethinking that. Here is what I read this morning: "...spiritual discontentment is a gift from God. For He only stirs us when He wants to change us. He only makes us feel uneasy with where we are so we're willing to do whatever it takes to get where He is." And in the words of another author, "THE MOST SIGNIFICANT SPIRITUAL GROWTH is often discerned by the believer as 'backsliding.' " There is FREEDOM found in these statements for me. Freedom from self-condemnation and even the occasional questioning my very salvation. (Yes, I just admitted to that!) Feeling positively hopeful!

It's always such an encouragement to hear that you're not the only one with questions or doubts or struggles.  That's a large reason why I started this blog, in hope that others might be heartened by hearing the questions I'm asking or the things I'm learning, and the ways God uses the unknowns and the unfortunates in my life.  (And yes, I'm aware unfortunate is not a noun but I just spent a good five minutes in the thesaurus unsuccessfully trying to find a better substitute so for the purpose of this post, unfortunate is temporarily a noun.  You know what I'm trying to say.)

The title for this post is from a song (None But Jesus) that I've probably posted before because it's one of my favorite worship songs, but the lyrics said something new to me today.  (Also, after I wrote the lyrics down I realized that it actually doesn't include the words "in the silence," but in the Spanish version of the song which I also listen to frequently, it says "en silencio," and that's where it came from.)

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Even when it's silent or quiet, He is still God.  Even when His presence seems far away, He is still the One who restores.  He longs for us with a jealous love--and the jealousy is well merited, with all the time we spend on other things.  Every single day I have to decide again to take up my cross and follow the Lord, putting Him above every other priority in my life, and give Him His time.

Love Dare

So far, this has not exactly been a year of extensive blog-posting.  Only one post each in March and April, and I'm guessing this will be the only one for May.  I created this blog as a venue to share what God is currently teaching me in life, and these past few months have been a spiritually dry spell for me.  I've been busy with school and even when I do make time for God I just don't connect.  But even though that's not very exciting (it's actually pretty frustrating sometimes), it merits a blog post because this is where I'm at right now.

I just watched the movie Fireproof (from Sherwood Pictures - shameless plug; I love their movies!) and it got me thinking.  During spiritually dry times, I think there are two main things going on.  One, the Christian has fallen out of the habit of spending regular time with God, and this leads to a tangible disconnect, and two, God is working on things in us and in our lives that we just can't see at the time.  In Fireproof, a couple is struggling in their marriage and the husband, who has fallen away from his faith, starts a challenge called the Love Dare.  For 40 days, he has to go through the motions of loving his wife even though he doesn't feel anything.  He refrains from negative comments, buys her flowers, and washes the dishes.  It takes weeks before any response is had from her.  But his challenge reminds me of a similar challenge I gave myself about a week ago.

Here's a journal snippet from May 19: "Okay, I'm going to do an experiment.   I'm going to do tent time [devotions] every day and see what happens.  I'm going to make a commitment, and actually go off by myself and do it.  I complain that I feel distant, and all the while I spend 10 minutes a week with You--of course it feels distant!"  Just like the Love Dare from the movie, I may not get anything out of it right away.  But God's commitment never changed.  He's always been waiting for me.  I'm the one who needs to decide and reprioritize and put Him first.  I still don't know how to do this exactly in every area of my life, but making an effort to set aside time for Him is one way to start.  Not just when I happen to have time or when I feel like it, but every single day.

Unfortunately, this experiment/challenge has gotten off to a poor start.  I wrote that entry and then proceeded to not have tent time until the 23rd--four days later.  But I'm not going to give up.  I'm not going to give myself slack anymore.  I want to have a more intimate relationship with God and skipping days will only harm that process.  I also need accountability, and while I will ask that from my family and friends, putting it on my blog is also great motivation.

If I really love God as I say I do, my actions need to show it.  I guess you could say this is my own version of the Love Dare.  Our walk with Christ is analogized many times to a marriage, so it really isn't that far off.

Fireproof ends with a song called While I'm Waiting, and as it floated around in my head after I shut the movie off I realized how applicable the lyrics are.  As I pursue God, I have faith that He will connect with me, even if nothing may happen right away.  And in the meantime, I will worship Him, serve Him, and seek Him.

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord

And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord

Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait

Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race even while I wait

God is more mighty!

This post has been a long time in the making.  In the last several weeks I have started several posts but for various reasons never finished, and today I finally know what I want to say.  This semester has been a great one, and I can't believe there are only 5 weeks left.  But they will be a FULL 5 weeks.  I have a lot to do, and recently I've been feeling pretty overwhelmed.  As a biology major, I'm usually taking 2-3 science classes concurrently, which makes for a lot of necessary studying.  I often feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water, which is normal and fine--but the past few days I've felt like I was drowning.

I don't really know how to explain things without going into detail, so please pardon my verboseness as I continue.  (By the way, verboseness is indeed an actual word.  I just looked it up on Merriam-Webster and Oxford English Dictionary--so take that, spellchecker!)  Last Thursday evening I was preparing for a microbiology test the following morning, a test that I had only started studying for a few days prior because of other important school-related tasks.  I had a big paper due this morning (Monday) at 8am, and several other things to do or plan hanging over my head, not to mention my hypochondriac tendencies which perpetually pervade my thoughts.  Oh and I have also been praying for humility and selflessness, and not seeing a whole lot of improvement (or opportunities to practice, for that matter).

Anyway, all of that stuff had finally gotten to be too much, and I had a meltdown.  I'll spare you the gory details, but at the root of it all I was very frustrated that I was unable to trust God fully and let Him have control of my life and my thoughts.  I wanted to not worry because God tells me to trust Him.  I wanted to remember the big picture because He works all things out for the good of those who love Him.  I wanted to be selfless because I have the power of the Holy Spirit and His fruits.  But I felt like I was failing in those areas.  I felt like I had regressed from last year when God taught me SO much about His faithfulness and essentially took stress out of my life because I knew that He had control in the whole scheme of my life, and He would use me how He wanted.  I've been re-memorizing Romans 8 and I just kept thinking about when it says those controlled by the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires (self) but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires (the glory of the Lord).  I was deeply distressed because I felt like Satan had a hold of my mind, and I couldn't shake him.

I talked to my dad for a while and tried to pray, and was able to study a little bit that night.  And the next day, God began to refresh me.  The test went well, and the weather was beautiful, and I started to realize that even saying that Satan had control was a defeatist attitude.  He DOES NOT have control over me.  My sinful nature is powerful, but God is more mighty.

I had a productive weekend, turned my paper in this morning, and during physiology (my last class of the day) I started to get stressed again.  I love physiology.  It is fascinating and exciting and amazing to see all of the intricacies God placed in the human body.  But to be honest, I have had a hard time keeping up in that class because we just cover SO much material so fast.  Today I sat in class stewing and holding back tears as I again became overwhelmed thinking about how much I needed to get caught up.  But this time, instead of giving up and admitting that Satan had control, I prayed that God would give me endurance and refreshed motivation.  I came home and read Psalm 63, and kept praying.  And soon enough, I was back on track.  I am going to conquer this class!  I am going to get caught up before the next test in a week and a half, and I'm going to get an A (and learn a lot!).  I am going to trust God.  It will not be easy, but I can do it--by His strength.  And I will continue to pray that God will humble me and help me to have a Christlike and selfless attitude in all things.

I mentioned Psalm 63, and I can't remember why I started reading that a few days ago, but I know why I read it now.  I heard a sermon recently reminding us that we need to come to God not just for the parts we want.  Not just because I need reassurance, or strength, or peace.  Not just because He gives me joy.  Not just because I'm frustrated or worried and I need a heavenly kick in the pants.  But because He made me, and He wants me to worship and glorify Him with every action and every thought.  When I read the Bible, I will often find the verse that pertains to whatever I'm thinking about at the present time.  But I want to get into the habit of worshiping God through scripture no matter what I feel like.  David wrote Psalm 63 while hiding in the desert after fleeing from his son Absalom.  David was alone in the hot wilderness, but he still chose to praise God.  Here are verses 1-8.

Oh God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul longs for you,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.

The struggle is real, folks.  I will be prayerfully pressing on to finish the semester strong (and you better believe that this prayer will continue once I start grad school!).  But I have confidence that God will never fail, and He is more powerful than the devil or my sinful flesh.

In all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate me from the love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!

Unresolved questions

I've been waiting for something that would constitute a good blog post and I think I have one coming soon about lectio divina but in the meantime, here's a quote I heard recently about questions.  I've been asking a lot of questions recently, as you may have read in my last few posts.  I don't know if this is a Christian guy or not, but I heard it from my spiritual formation prof, and it's a good reminder to be patient with God and continue to seek Him even when I doubt that I'm doing all I can to be an effective ambassador for Christ.

“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is to live everything.  Live the question now.  Perhaps then, some day far in the future you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.” (Rilke)

Also, here's a gif that sums up me + balls:

My God, in whom I trust

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 

(Ps. 91:1-2)

Okay, I really need to study right now but I just wanted to say something because God has been making a huge difference in my life lately.  A couple weeks ago I wrote about choosing to trust God instead of trying to control everything and worry about every little symptom and possiblity.  I was consumed by worry and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I've prayed many times in my life for a greater trust in God, but this time something clicked.  I don't know what was different, but I have seen a dramatic change.  I do not worry anymore.

I still notice the things that worried me in the past (nothing huge or fascinating but if you want to know I'd be happy to oblige!) but they don't bother me.  I really do trust God, and it is the power of the Holy Spirit that allows me to do so.  Today I had a doctor's appointment as a follow-up to one last week, and for both of them I was completely calm.  Not stressed, not worried, only curious as I wait for results.

I can't even believe how amazing it is to just let God handle the things that are out of my control anyway.  His joy fills me and I am glad.

Isaiah 26:3 says God will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in Him.  I'm experiencing this right now, and it's incredible.  Lord, please help me be steadfast to you.

I'm sure there will come a point where I need to yet again strongly resist the pull of the devil trying to get me back into worrying.  But for now, he's gone.  And no matter what happens, I am safe, resting in the shelter of the Most High.

His peace covers me.

No conclusions

This post has been a long time in the making and I'm still not quite sure how to begin or proceed because there are so many thoughts swirling in my head.  A couple nights ago I thought up a great introduction to this post as I was lying in bed but obviously I don't remember any of that...  Basically, I have come up out of my dry slump in my relationship with God and now I am FULL of questions, and lacking conclusions.

God has been placing many thought-provoking questions in my mind from pretty much everything in my life--books I'm reading, sermons I hear, songs I listen to, conversations I have, and class discussions to name a few.  I find it pretty crazy how everything around me always seems to coordinate with whatever God happens to be teaching me.  But that's the Holy Spirit for ya, I guess! :)

So I'm currently taking a spiritual formation class, and last week the discussion question was, what would we do with our lives if we found out we only had a year left to live?  It was fascinating to think about, because I realized that I should be living that way now.  Before answering the question, we read a couple passages in the Psalms.  In Psalm 90:12, Moses asks God to "teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."  Similarly, David beseeches God in Psalm 39:4 to "Show me, O Lord, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting my life."

These men want God to help them realize that their lives here on earth are short and it matters what they do with them.  If we truly lived our life as if each day was our last, things would be a lot different.  No time would be wasted on frivolous things, and everything within us would be spent spreading the Gospel.

I am not afraid of dying, because I have a hope in salvation.  But what I am afraid of is the possibility of people who do not know Jesus living in isolation for eternity.  If I found out I only had a year to live, I would prayerfully find the most effective way to tell as many people as possible about the Good News.

David and Moses understood that they can't truly live in the present unless they have the perspective that every single day matters, because it may be our last.  This is a confusing issue to me, because while I wholeheartedly agree with this, I don't know how to pursue it.  If I found out I really did have only a year to live, I would probably drop out of school and do whatever I could to "go and make disciples of all nations."  Shouldn't this be my mission now, too?

If I did live each day as if it could be my last, I would pursue the mission that I stated I would pursue given only a year to live.  Of course I want to do everything I can now to tell others about Jesus.  But how can I do this now, as a student?  I am really busy (wow, that sounds like such a lame excuse) but aside from that, my school is important.  I don't want to dwell in the future, but I'm planning on a life of medical missions (in the States)--and that requires medical training that won't be done for several more years.  I believe that this a future God is calling me to and is preparing me for, and it just doesn't seem wise to drop everything and move to a remote tribe where no one's heard the gospel.  Medicine is important too (not to mention the fact that I am nowhere near prepared or educated in the area of "remote-tribe-Christianization"), and I am excited to serve God in that field.

Among all the zillions of questions in my head, the one that sort of sums them up is this:
        How can I most effectively live my life to glorify and rest in God and let His light shine before men?

Maybe the answer to that question changes depending on where I'm at in life.  I was talking to my roommate (who's in the same spiritual formation class) about how I want to do something about the countless people groups who have never heard of Jesus, and I realized that maybe my pride is getting me confused yet again.  I don't need to go in order to impact those people.  If God is calling me to go, then yes, I'll go!  But right now He wants me here, pursuing PA school and a future serving medically underserved people right here in the US.  And for those unreached tribes?  I can pray.

I still don't know the answer to my question, but I do know what I will do in the meantime.  Pray for wisdom.  Pray for the missionaries in remote areas shining His light.  Pray for the medical practitioners serving people in the States.  Pray for a clear mind and long-term memory storage in my studies.  Pray that God will allow me to live each day to the fullest for Him.  Pray for humility.  Pray for answers.  Pray for willingness to let God and His will be a mystery.  And when I don't know what to pray for, the Spirit intercedes with groans that words cannot express.  I find that incredibly comforting, because sometimes I'm thinking and wondering so hard and wanting to know God's mind so badly that I just have no idea what to say.

In this time full of questions with no conclusions, I will keep seeking.  I am thankful that I have so much to think about.  I don't want to be a passive Christian.  I want to live out the Gospel, most closely aligned with how God intended us to live.

Sacrifice and stuff

Recently I've been thinking a lot about how we as Christians, especially affluent Americans, should handle stuff.  And I'm not just using the word stuff as a boring replacement for another more intelligent-sounding word--I literally mean STUFF.  Material things.  Clothes, houses, money, etc.

I read the book Seven several weeks ago, and it is the autobiographical tale of Jen Hatmaker and family, who went through seven month-long fasting periods in order to grow closer to God through discipline and sacrifice, and gain perspective on our material-obsessed world.  One month her family only spent money in seven places, another month Jen vowed to give away seven items from their house every day, another month she only wore seven articles of clothing.  The book was not only hilarious because of Jen's self-deprecating humor and comedic talent, it was very personal and thought-provoking.  At the time I was reading it, I was moving into a new apartment and unpacking lots of boxes, and because I was so captivated by the book I often felt like I was doing the challenge with her (and it helped inspire me to fill up a big box of clothes and things to give away).

I also recently finished reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne.  Shane lives a communal lifestyle, sharing everything with other people, depending on God, and doing unorthodox things to demonstrate the love of God. The original disciples were told to drop everything they had and follow Jesus, trusting God to provide for their needs.  I was reading Acts at the same time, and it struck me how the lifestyle Shane leads is just like the faithful disciples in Acts.  Why shouldn't we be the same?

One time Jesus was approached by a rich young ruler who wanted to follow Him and asked what he needed to do.  Jesus told him to love God and love his neighbor, and the guy was like, "Okay, great, I can do that!"  But then Jesus told him to sell everything he owned and follow Him.  The young ruler left, dejected.  Jesus calls us to leave our stuff behind, our dependence on things, and trust in Him to provide.  I trust God a lot, but I realized the other day that I really only depend on Him for emotional stability.  It's perfectly fine and legitimate to pray about stress or frustration or sadness or fear.  I pray for other people's needs a lot, but when it comes to myself it's only my emotions I need Him for.  I have never worried where my next meal was going to come from, or how I was going to pay for school or clothes, or whether I was going to have a dry bed to sleep in.  How can I learn to truly depend on God when I am so self-sufficient?  Does He want us to literally give up everything we own and move to a place where we need to ask Him for sustenance?

And then there's what I inadvertently named the Possession Paradox.  Doesn't God bless some people with wealth so they can bless others?  For example, last year I read a book by the founder of Gospel for Asia, which urges affluent Christians to send their money to support native missionaries.  A little money goes a long way, and these native missionaries are able to reach out to people in tribes and areas that have never heard the Gospel, without having to break down as many boundaries.  (I'm not going to go into detail about this awesome ministry here, but you can feel free to click the link above--or read the book!  It's called Revolution in World Missions and apparently you can get it for free from the website.)  Anyway, God uses the gifts from people who make a lot of money to spread the good news.  The paradox is, does God call us to give up everything we own (like St. Nicholas) even if we're wealthy and truly generous, or use whatever He's given us (which may be a big salary, or a spacious house that can be used for hospitality) for His glory?  Neither one of these "categories" contains better or more genuine Christians, and there are so many in-betweens.

I once heard someone say that we should sacrifice until we feel it.  That's the meaning of sacrifice anyway--give up something of value.  This idea was well understood by the widow in the Bible who gave her two mites to the church--she gave up everything she had to God, even though it wasn't much.  The rich people gave much more than she did in quantity, but their gifts didn't even make a dent in their wealth.  They completely missed the point.  The church that Jen Hatmaker (Seven) belongs to gives away 50% of their income, which I think is awesome.  They meet in a shabby building that needs repairs, but they choose to allocate their money to places where it's needed even more.  I don't want to get into the whole debate of "churches shouldn't spend thousands of dollars on atria and gyms and stained glass windows etc" because I think both sides have legitimate points.  I just want to know how God wants us to steward the things He gives us.

Being a Christian is not always supposed to be fun.  God provides us with incredible joy and peace and guidance, but Jesus instructs us that in order to come after Him, we must:

          Deny ourselves.
          Take up our cross.

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will find it.  What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" (Matthew 16)

I'm seeking God about this.  I don't know how to serve Him with my things.  I'm not a materialistic person, but I do not know what it's like to truly trust God with every need.

     How does God want us to sacrifice?

            What should we do with our stuff?    

 

 

Choosing to trust

I've been going through a period of spiritual dryness recently, and it's been weird.  Of course I've felt spiritually dry before, but the last time I can remember a period as long as this was before I really knew what it was like to live intimately with God.  In Guatemala I formed good habits (and had lots of free time) and God and I had some good fellowship.  But once I got home it was easy to fall back into old patterns, and coming to school I guess I just didn't have the motivation to commit myself to daily tent time.  (Sidenote: In my family we call devotions tent time, because Moses went into his tent in Exodus 33 to be with God.)  It's been frustrating because I missed the spiritual intimacy but didn't have the desire to make time for the One who gives me time in the first place.  Also, I know this sounds horrible, but I had grown tired of reading the Bible.  I don't even want to admit that, but I am for the sake of you readers so that you can know you're not the only ones.  I have always LOVED God's Word, and I know I'll get back to that place eventually.  Right now I'm reading Acts and soon Romans, and re-memorizing Romans 8.  My roommate and I are praying for each other spiritually, and we're praying for me that God will ignite in me a deep hunger for His word.


I sure long for Him now, which is a welcome change after feeling distant and unmotivated.  This week has been a good one in helping me long for Jesus again.  The reason this particular week has been good is because I have decided to give my worries to God.  Ever since I got back from Guat, I've had random symptoms that keep changing and multiplying and lessening and being the pre-med nerd that I am, I've let my imagination get carried away with self-diagnosis.  (Medical student syndrome is a real thing, I'm not making this up.)  In the process, I had gotten completely consumed with worry--which leaves no room for God.  I was letting Satan have control, and he was more than happy to oblige.  I decided to stop this nonsense and spend some real time with God a couple days ago, and he started working on my heart.  I also called my mom (who is great at speaking truth into my life!) and she helped bring me out of the clouds and into reality.

This was her main point:  Live NOW.

Jesus tells us not to worry about tomorrow--He's got it under control!  And when He tells us how to pray, He says we should ask for our daily bread--only what we need for the day.  God was not happy when he told the Israelites not to save manna for the next day, and they didn't trust Him.  They saved manna anyway, and it spoiled.  There are so many more verses that emphasize the importance of living in the present and not in the future.  Of course it's important to think about the future, but we shouldn't dwell on it--and certainly not worry about it.  We don't know, and can't know what to expect to happen.  But we can expect one thing in the future for sure:  Jesus will be the same, and will walk with us through whatever may happen.
Anyway, after I remembered all of these things, I decided to TRUST God with my health and everything else.  His plans are bigger than mine.  I'm not afraid of dying, honestly I'm more afraid of messing up my plans of graduating next spring (and being sick may interfere).  But 1. I'm probably not sick and 2. even if I am, GOD IS BIGGER.

He will be with me through anything, and I have faith that every trial and joy in my life serves a purpose, and can ultimately be used to bring glory to God.

I am choosing to trust God.  I believe in His peace that transcends (and I've experienced it!) and His constant companionship.  All He asks for in return is faithfulness.  So far it's only been a few days, but the amount of worrying has drastically decreased.  Trusting God is not easy, but it's what He wants--and it makes so much sense because He knows SO much more!  When I choose to trust God and resist Satan, the devil flees (James 4).

I am choosing to trust.

PS: BibleGateway.com has free online audio Bibles and it is awesome!!  Listening to the dramatized versions is still straight scripture but brings so much life to the stories!  Seriously, try it out.

More scattered thoughts

The theme of my blog posts recently seems to be scattered and disorganized; a bunch of somewhat related thoughts crammed together.  At least that's what my last post was, and that's what this one is about to be.  I think that (my scattered thoughts) may have been a factor contributing to my long (and hopefully over) post-writing hiatus--though hoping to post more on the second day of a very busy semester probably isn't a very logical idea.  Oh well.  I wanted to post today because I've been thinking about a lot of things, and since a blog is basically a public journal (which is actually kind of an oxymoron...), I figured I'd update you on what's been going through my mind.  Watch out, this is going to be long.

Recent events: Returned from Guatemala, had a great long break at home, got back to Michigan 4 days late because of the "Snowmageddon" that hit the Midwest and cancelled thousands of flights (and also left people all over Michigan and surrounding areas with no power), finished my Old Testament class (interim class--only lasted for 2.5 weeks), and started semester numero 6 yesterday (5 down, 3 to go!).

This has been a major change for me this month, so I'll start with it.  Spiritually, I've been very frustrated with my literal addiction to the computer (see post here).  I don't know what's so ridiculously gratifying about it, I don't do anything actually addictive like porn or gaming or something, I just waste time reading articles and browsing facebook and watching buzzfeed videos.  I've wanted to do something drastic, and I've tried several times and several ways to change my habits (including giving it to God, which worked in Guatemala).  But I kept falling back into old habits.  When I had a few free minutes, I would hop on the comp and see what was new (let me just say, nothing new ever happens in 30 minutes).  I could have spent that time reading, or talking to someone, or WITH GOD.

One of the resident life staff at my school, Jeff, has a very unique personality.  I can't really describe him adequately, so I'll just say that he's really awesome, wise, easygoing, and hilarious (so you'll know that he's unique in a completely positive way).  Anyway, certain people who work with him start to talk in a manner like his and say things that he commonly says (my roommate included).  It's obvious they've spent time working and talking together because of how his student res life staff emulates him (unintentionally).  I once read something along the lines of "You become like whatever it is you spend the most time with."  I want to be more like God--but that requires spending lots of time with Him.  Unfortunately, I spend a lot more time on the computer than I do with God.

All that to say, on January 21 I just couldn't take it anymore and I decided to severely limit my computer time.  Incidentally, that Sunday sermon happened to be about being good stewards of time (which is NOT ours, by the way).  I knew I needed a mindset change, and my computer dependence wasn't going to go away unless I did something major.  I can't spent more than 30 minutes on the computer in a day, not including schoolwork or email.  It has been SO good.  I've finished two books, started knitting and crocheting again, and have been spending more time with God (though still not enough--more on that later).

I've been thinking a lot about my options in the next few years: grad school, classes, housing, etc.  I won't bore you with the details now, but feel free to call me sometime and I'll be happy to oblige you!

Though there are many choices to make, there is so much to be excited for and thankful about.  The last couple days have been filled with thoughts of all the joys my life is filled with.  First of all, I just LOVE our science department.  It really is a family.  Professors don't just teach classes, they are friends.  We (fellow sudents and I) will frequently stop by a professor's office and just chat, about a science question or just life.  Yesterday my friend Lydia handed a wedding save-the-date to our microbiology/genetics/plant-related-things prof, and he wrote it on his calendar right then.  I house-sat for one of my professors during spring break a couple years ago, and if one of his students needs a place to crash for the night, he's willing.  I often hang out in the science building and study or socialize, and many other fellow science majors are there too.  I'm sure many other small schools have a similar family dynamic, but no one else has the profs we do--and they are awesome.  I have several prof friends in other departments too, and they're great.

Secondly, I am living in an apartment, in a dorm.  It is pretty much the ideal living situation because I'm close to everything (literally in the center of campus) and part of the dorm community (at least to an extent), but I have a kitchen, washer & dryer, dishwasher, bathroom, etc that I don't have to share (except with my roommate).  It is SO NICE.  I love cooking, and Steph and I have people over for dinner every week.  Being able to host and be hospitable is just so much fun.  My sister made me an apron for Christmas, and I wear it every time I cook and clean up.  I love feeling like a homemaker, cooking and cleaning.

Third, this semester is going to be SO GOOD.  (I was going to say awesome, but I use that word too much and really it should only describe something that is actually awe-inspiring, like aurora borealis or miracles or pregnancy.)  I started classes today, and I am so excited.  I'm taking microbiology, human physiology, spiritual formation, and learning & thinking psychology.  Oh and I'm the lab assistant for intro to chem (basic organic chemistry for non-science majors... poor them).  Guys, all of my classes are going to be fantastic.  (Hey, there's a good superlative that actually just means really really good!)  Micro and phys are not only fascinating subjects, but are also a little taste of what PA school will be like.  Science that is applicable to the practice of medicine, and the study of the human body.  I can't even explain how good it is to be in those classes.  At last.  I also had my first spiritual formation class today, and it's a small section with a great prof that I'm excited to get to know, and only 9 other students, all of whom are my friends.  That class will be so good.

And that leads me to my final point.  I've been feeling a little spiritually dry in the past couple months.  Guatemala was good because I had so much free time, and no computer to distract me, so God and I had some good times together.  But once I got back home, I fell into old habits.  Once I heard in someone's testimony "God didn't abandon me, I abandoned Him," and that's always stuck with me.  If I'm only spending half an hour a few times a week with Him (and hours upon hours doing other things), of course we're going to feel distant!  As a part of my computer restriction agreement, I want to spend at least 30 minutes a day with the One who's lending me time in the first place.  I'm not doing it.  It's way easier to cut something out (like computer time) than it is to implement something in (like regular time with God).  So that's my current challenge--and will be forever, though hopefully someday soon daily time with Him will become a habit.

I'll end with a picture of Stephanie (who's currently making spaghetti for our dinner guests du jour) and me wearing the apron that my lovely wonderful sister handcrafted (and probably without a pattern too because she's a sewing genius).

Yay for cooking! :)

Concluding

December 25 - Oh my gosh, I can't believe I haven't posted ONCE since I've been home!  I guess if you looked at my last post a did a little math you could figure out that I'm no longer in Guatemala (since it's definitely more than 16 days after November 26), but I honestly thought I had posted something.  I wrote some random snippets at different points during my travel day a couple weeks ago that were meant to turn into blog posts, but they stayed just as they were--unfinished snippets.  At the risk of composing a completely haphazard post lacking adequate transitions, I may just include them here anyway.

December 13 - Well, I’m sitting in the Guatemala City airport waiting to board.  I’m alone because the rest of the group is flying to Michigan in a few hours.  I can’t believe how fast this semester went.  It seemed like last week when my application was done and I knew I was going to Guatemala—but now the trip is already over.  The last few weeks have been very sweet with our family.  We’ve done lots of things together and had some really nice times, and I will cherish these times.  

A couple weeks ago, Heather, Sage, and I got up early on Saturday morning to cook breakfast for the family.  We were surprised how long it took to cook eggs and pancakes for 6 adults and 3 kids, and had to make do with a lot of things in a small, under-equipped kitchen.  But it was nice to know that Betzy appreciated the breakfast, and we all had fun using a kitchen again.  I had a surprise birthday party, thrown by my friends and Guatemalan family.  I was completely unsuspecting, and it was a perfect end to a wonderful birthday.  Our last Tuesday in Guat, the other girls and I took the kids for a day so Betzy and Mauricio could have a date.  We also had an ulterior motive; to take pictures of the kids to print for the family as goodbye presents.  The six of us went to the park and played games (and took photos), had ice cream at McDonalds, and had lunch together (and learned how to boil chicken).  It was a great day.  We got sweet pictures, Betzy and Mauricio had a nice date, and we enjoyed spending some more time with the kids before we had to leave them.

Los amamos, Mami y Papi / We love you, Mom and Dad!

Aren't these kids just absolutely precious?

Kenneth came into my room one night (and also made sure he told the other girls as well) that he loved us and would miss us and wished that we would never leave.  Of course, we all just melted.  The night before we departed, the family got pizza for our last dinner in Guatemala, and then we presented to the family all the gifts that we had brought/bought/accumulated for them over the semester.  Crafts for the boys, maple syrup, photos we printed for them (of the kids and the whole family), and some other little things.

Earlier in the day, we had a party at the Spanish school, La Union (hey, our group's picture is on the front page!) to say goodbye to the teachers and families.  Tears were shed (mine too, in case you were wondering--everything makes me cry) and bittersweet goodbyes were exchanged.  I already miss speaking Spanish and seeing those friendly folks every day.

    -     -     -

I got into Dallas a couple hours ago, and I still have a few hours to go before I board.  It is wonderful to be back in America, but oh so strange.  Everyone speaks English.  I’m still thinking in Spanish and I’ve almost spoken to several Americans in Spanish, including my waitress just now.  Oh and of all the places in the airport I could’ve eaten in, I chose a Mexican place.  Haha.  I guess 3 and a half months wasn’t enough (but for the record, Mexican and Guatemalan food is very different—and my burrito had lettuce, something I haven’t had all semester).  I seriously can’t get over how weird it is to think that I can speak English to anyone and it’s perfectly normal and most people understand me.

January 1 - Well, I completely failed to post even once the entire month of December. Blah.  I'm sure you've all been suffering, since your lives revolve around reading my posts.  But not to worry, I'm going to post again this week as soon as I think of something to write about.  (And then I'm sure the slacking will begin again once school starts and I have to think about things like studying and buying groceries...)

I don't even know how to end this post, what with it being so completely disorganized and lacking normal flow (it's a good thing this isn't a paper due today).  But you know, I guess it's okay because my entire break has been busy and helter-skelter (and wonderful!), so this post is just a little bit of what my mind feels like.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone!  Don't forget the Reason for the season :)