How beautiful are the feet

I've had several ideas floating around in my head for blog posts for a while now so I decided to try and combine them all into one (and throw brevity to the wind). The past year or two I've struggled with an overarching theme of spiritual dryness. I have written about those feelings before, and they've come and gone several times, and this summer after I graduated it all started to make more sense. It has been an interesting transition. I don't really have many friends here; most of my high school friendships have drifted apart and the ones that remain now span many miles. I've been working, housesitting, reading, and spending time on my PA school application (which, by the way, has been submitted and I'm now working on the Boston University supplemental app). I've made a couple of new potential friends, but close friendships typically take time and effort and I'd kind of forgotten about that. All that to say, I've had my lonely moments but for the most part this summer has been busy, productive, and fun.

*Beware, the following paragraphs have some very unattractive but real struggles.*

Anyway, throughout the adjustment process, I finally figured out that God actually expects me to do something in this relationship (whaatt?). Making God my priority and giving Him back His time every day has always been difficult for me because I'm a distracted procrastinator (except with schoolwork because I'm a nerd). Oh and also a sinful selfish human. He is faithful even when I'm not, and He blesses me so much with joy, provision, growth, and incredible friends and family that encourage me in my walk.

But when I got home from college, I felt like a fake Christian. I hate to even say it, but that's the truth. I was so disconnected from God that when people prayed around me, I felt like I was lying to all these people by letting them believe that I had a strong relationship with Him. The very idea that I was feeling that way made me literally feel sick. I didn't tell anyone because I felt foolish and embarrassed. I wondered if I was one of those condemned people that Jude talks about. It seemed like my attempts to to worship and connect were futile. I wanted God more than ever, but I didn't know what else to do. I was impatient.

The day I finally had the courage to journal about it to God (since writing it down makes it real), He answered my prayers and let me feel His presence in the worship at church. I kept praying and seeking Him (albeit fairly infrequently) and then about a month later I figured out that the reason I felt so distant and fake was because my mind and time were not truly committed to him (duh). Quote from my journal:

Being a Christian has changed from something that was easy and (relatively) effortless. I saw you working, you gave me incredible friends to encourage me in my walk, and I felt pretty close to you even when I didn't make much of an effort. But now you're requiring more from me. You want me to actually live out the commitment I officially made on January 4th. Following you and knowing you is a lifetime commitment that endures, changes, and grows--like a marriage. You don't change, but I do. And just like a marriage, I have to choose every day to keep loving You.

God gives us what we need when He knows we need it, and I wasn't ready for the change. But He is patiently teaching me to be faithful, and He has fanned the flame of evangelism. I think that the most important part of knowing the Lord is doing everything we can to help others know Him too. I am finally hungry for scripture again, because I want to know God more. And I know that without submersion in the Word, not only will I fail in my attempts to become more Christlike, I will not be able to defend my faith and give the reason for the hope that I have.

The Word of God is LIVING AND ACTIVE. God reveals Himself through it in new ways all the time. It is full of profound wisdom. Through the Bible, God convicts, encourages, instructs, and comforts. It is truth.

"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?

And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"