In the silence

I have a couple of things to share today.  After only a few days of sticking to my commitment, I've started to come into my tent time with excitement.   Usually I feel guilty for being on the computer or doing something else instead of spending time with Him, but I guess now that I have made the decision to do it every day and knowing that I can't back down has made it more joyful.  Instead of a thought process like, "Auugh I should be doing tent time right now... buuut I'll do it later... but this is more fun (and meaningless).." it's more like, "Hey well I'm going to do it today anyway no matter what, so why not now?"  I'm really enjoying my time with God, even though there's no deep spiritual revelation coming out of it right now (at least as far as I can tell).  Commitment comes before intimacy :)

I was going to save this post and post it a few days later so I could also include an update on how my tent time commitment is going, but I just want to publish it now.  So far I've had five days in a row in which I've spent intentional time with God.  Making progress!

Oh and in case any of you were wanting a brief life update, I finished school a little over a week ago and am now a senior in college (WHAT.).  However, I'm not home yet because my beautiful wonderful friend Lydia is getting married on Saturday and I'm staying for her wedding.  This Sunday I fly home to see my family, and I'M SO EXCITED!!!  My summer plans include taking a CNA (certified nursing assistant) class, volunteering back at my hospital (I say "my" because I've volunteered there for years and it has a special place in my heart), spending lots of time with my awesome family (whom I haven't seen in almost five months, and haven't lived with in nearly two years), and taking the GRE (the graduate record exam, so I can apply to grad school in a year!)!!  Mmm I just love those parentheses... (and ellipses...)

And now, back to the topic at hand.  Earlier this year, a godly lady that I knew from high school posted something on facebook that was very pertinent to where I was (am) at.  I saved it for a future blog post and recently I asked her if I could share it here.  It was going to go in my last post but that got too long, so here you go.

Twice recently I have heard it suggested that spiritual discontentment is actually a divine discontentment. I often interpret my doubt and discouragement as regression in my faith, taking two steps back; but I am rethinking that. Here is what I read this morning: "...spiritual discontentment is a gift from God. For He only stirs us when He wants to change us. He only makes us feel uneasy with where we are so we're willing to do whatever it takes to get where He is." And in the words of another author, "THE MOST SIGNIFICANT SPIRITUAL GROWTH is often discerned by the believer as 'backsliding.' " There is FREEDOM found in these statements for me. Freedom from self-condemnation and even the occasional questioning my very salvation. (Yes, I just admitted to that!) Feeling positively hopeful!

It's always such an encouragement to hear that you're not the only one with questions or doubts or struggles.  That's a large reason why I started this blog, in hope that others might be heartened by hearing the questions I'm asking or the things I'm learning, and the ways God uses the unknowns and the unfortunates in my life.  (And yes, I'm aware unfortunate is not a noun but I just spent a good five minutes in the thesaurus unsuccessfully trying to find a better substitute so for the purpose of this post, unfortunate is temporarily a noun.  You know what I'm trying to say.)

The title for this post is from a song (None But Jesus) that I've probably posted before because it's one of my favorite worship songs, but the lyrics said something new to me today.  (Also, after I wrote the lyrics down I realized that it actually doesn't include the words "in the silence," but in the Spanish version of the song which I also listen to frequently, it says "en silencio," and that's where it came from.)

In the quiet, in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of your presence

I know there I am restored

When You call I won't refuse

Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me

None but Jesus

Even when it's silent or quiet, He is still God.  Even when His presence seems far away, He is still the One who restores.  He longs for us with a jealous love--and the jealousy is well merited, with all the time we spend on other things.  Every single day I have to decide again to take up my cross and follow the Lord, putting Him above every other priority in my life, and give Him His time.

Love Dare

So far, this has not exactly been a year of extensive blog-posting.  Only one post each in March and April, and I'm guessing this will be the only one for May.  I created this blog as a venue to share what God is currently teaching me in life, and these past few months have been a spiritually dry spell for me.  I've been busy with school and even when I do make time for God I just don't connect.  But even though that's not very exciting (it's actually pretty frustrating sometimes), it merits a blog post because this is where I'm at right now.

I just watched the movie Fireproof (from Sherwood Pictures - shameless plug; I love their movies!) and it got me thinking.  During spiritually dry times, I think there are two main things going on.  One, the Christian has fallen out of the habit of spending regular time with God, and this leads to a tangible disconnect, and two, God is working on things in us and in our lives that we just can't see at the time.  In Fireproof, a couple is struggling in their marriage and the husband, who has fallen away from his faith, starts a challenge called the Love Dare.  For 40 days, he has to go through the motions of loving his wife even though he doesn't feel anything.  He refrains from negative comments, buys her flowers, and washes the dishes.  It takes weeks before any response is had from her.  But his challenge reminds me of a similar challenge I gave myself about a week ago.

Here's a journal snippet from May 19: "Okay, I'm going to do an experiment.   I'm going to do tent time [devotions] every day and see what happens.  I'm going to make a commitment, and actually go off by myself and do it.  I complain that I feel distant, and all the while I spend 10 minutes a week with You--of course it feels distant!"  Just like the Love Dare from the movie, I may not get anything out of it right away.  But God's commitment never changed.  He's always been waiting for me.  I'm the one who needs to decide and reprioritize and put Him first.  I still don't know how to do this exactly in every area of my life, but making an effort to set aside time for Him is one way to start.  Not just when I happen to have time or when I feel like it, but every single day.

Unfortunately, this experiment/challenge has gotten off to a poor start.  I wrote that entry and then proceeded to not have tent time until the 23rd--four days later.  But I'm not going to give up.  I'm not going to give myself slack anymore.  I want to have a more intimate relationship with God and skipping days will only harm that process.  I also need accountability, and while I will ask that from my family and friends, putting it on my blog is also great motivation.

If I really love God as I say I do, my actions need to show it.  I guess you could say this is my own version of the Love Dare.  Our walk with Christ is analogized many times to a marriage, so it really isn't that far off.

Fireproof ends with a song called While I'm Waiting, and as it floated around in my head after I shut the movie off I realized how applicable the lyrics are.  As I pursue God, I have faith that He will connect with me, even if nothing may happen right away.  And in the meantime, I will worship Him, serve Him, and seek Him.

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You Lord

And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You Lord

Though it's not easy no, but faithfully I will wait

Yes, I will wait

And I will move ahead bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race even while I wait