Embracing my weakness

I started my hospice job about three weeks ago, and today was my first day flying solo visiting patients. A year ago, I never would have considered hospice for a variety of reasons, but God tends to surprise me by piquing my interest and opening up opportunities in areas I never would have imagined. Hospice and palliative care is a field of medicine that began to intrigue me during a unit on end-of-life and dying in lifespan psychology last year. Palliative care is simply stopping aggressive treatment for the terminally ill and improving their quality of life so they can enjoy their last few months of life. It does not exclude all medical treatment, and sometimes even surgery might be appropriate if it will decrease pain.

This approach is fairly counter-intuitive to the medical model, which focuses on doing everything possible to kick the disease, often making the patient weak and miserable in the process, as is the case with chemotherapy drugs, for example. Many times, this is only temporary and the patient survives the illness (and treatment) and goes on to live a healthy life. But sometimes, an illness has gone so far, taken over so much of the body, that drastic measures prolong death rather than extend life—and this is when palliative care is a valuable option. However, it is difficult for healthcare providers and families to conclude that treatment is hurting more than it’s helping, especially in the face of so many amazing lifesaving medical advances. My main clinical interest as a PA, other than serving the medically underserved, is inpatient and critical care (people hospitalized for serious illnesses). I believe hospice and palliative care is extremely valuable, and I want to pursue any opportunity for me to learn about and understand this specialty.

If you read my previous blog posts, you know that God closed the doors for an amazing hospital job because He wanted me where I am now. I am very excited for this opportunity to take care of patients on hospice and serve their families and caregivers. But as I mentioned before, today was my first day on my own and of course God has more to teach me than I realized. My job consists of visiting 5-7 hospice patients per day in their place of residence (mostly adult care homes with 3-5 residents), giving them baths or showers, and doing any other kind of personal care needed.

Today was hard. Every patient took way longer than they were supposed to because I am so inexperienced, and I had a very difficult patient transfer that made me seriously question my abilities as a CNA. After we got her back in bed, I thought, "I should not be doing this. This job is not right for me. I can't do it." And if you know me, I do not say "I can't."

Being a CNA (certified nursing assistant) requires a certain set of skills, and not just anyone can do it. I got my CNA just so I could get my hours to apply to PA school, but this profession is not just a gateway job. It is challenging--physically and emotionally. Some people are gifted in the art of caregiving, and those are the people who make awesome CNAs. They are strong, organized, relational, efficient, nimble, and resourceful. 

While some parts are easy for me--like forging relationships and being kind--other aspects of the job do not come naturally at all. I am not as physically strong as I thought (plus I think I have some kind of vitamin deficiency..). I have to work quickly to get all my patients done each day (and be on time--HA) but make them feel like they're each my only priority. I need to be very organized in order to keep all the tasks straight and chart accurately.

Thankfully my last few patients were great and the Lord encouraged me. But I see now that part of the reason that He put me in this job is so that I can learn to embrace my weaknesses and improve them instead of avoiding them. I am a high-achiever. I am used to working my butt off in school, and using my brain to memorize, connect, and use information is natural for me. But this job requires so much more than booksmarts, and that is hard for me. I want to be good at my job right now. I want the proficiency and efficiency to come effortlessly.

But how can I be perfect in a job that I just started? I can't.

I need to give myself grace. God is stretching me and I have to trust Him.

I will do my best. I will work hard to improve. And I will love those patients.

He will remain faithful

Update: Another challenge has arisen because clearly I hadn't learned my lesson yet and God wanted to give me more trusting practice. My last semester of college I decided to drop anatomy and take pharmacology instead, which I absolutely reveled in. But anatomy is the last prereq for me to reapply to PA school next year, and it has proven to be EXTREMELY difficult to find a class for me to take here. You'd think in a city with some twelve universities I'd be able to find something. After spending several hours on this task on Monday, to say I was very frustrated would be an understatement.

I couldn't find any good possibilities on my own, and I was kicking myself for my decision to take anatomy out of my schedule (even though pharm was perfect for me in so many ways). But after a (fairly miserable) day to cool off, and an evening to myself, God started bringing me perspective again.

Oh my gosh just typing this out overwhelms me with thankfulness. I still don't have an answer about the anatomy thing but God is so faithful and so REAL.

Anyway, long story short there are only a few options left to me at this point, and they all have a catch of some kind or another. The easiest thing to do would be to take a fully online (with lab) course, which would mean I wouldn't be able to apply to OHSU's PA school--and as I've mentioned before, this is a place I've dreamed of going to for as long as I can remember.

But even though I had my time of freakout, I trust Him again. Last night, God started reminding me of all the things that are good in my life. I have so many things to be grateful for and to look forward to. Even when my faith fails, and I try to take control instead of trust, He is still faithful. Almost three years ago He made it absolutely clear that I should pursue PA school, and if that's still His plan for me, I know it will happen.

I don't need control. I just need to trust.

He really does answer prayer

*Part two*

Now for the explanation of the introduction from part one. A couple of weeks ago, I interviewed for a job at Oregon Health and Science University, a large, wonderful, state-of-the-art university hospital system. I have dreamed of working or going to school there for as long as I can remember. I would have gotten hired, but I could only commit to 6 months because of the possibility I might start school in April, and they were hoping for someone who could commit a little longer. They still wanted to consider me, so I was thrown into the waiting game. I was very thankful that they gave me a chance even though I couldn’t commit, but it was very frustrating to know that had I not been waiting on a PA school app, I indubitably would have gotten this amazing job. The one thing preventing me from getting the job was the one thing I couldn’t control, and I wasn’t about to withdraw my PA school application for a job.

I decided to apply for a hospice job this past Monday, about two weeks after I would have gotten hired at OHSU (while still waiting on an answer from them). Hospice and palliative care is a field of medicine that recently grabbed my interest as I realized its importance as a medical specialty, and how valuable it is to patients and their families.

I got invited in for an interview only two days later, and received a job offer half an hour after I left. I was ecstatic (I was in a store and it was all I could do to not announce my news to everyone I saw), but now I was in a dilemma.

I hadn’t heard back from OHSU, which was still my top choice, but I only had two days to make my decision. I emailed the nurse manager, and she let me know the next morning that she’d hired someone else who could commit for a longer time. She also said she would pass on my name for another OHSU job I’d applied for. I waited about two hours, and decided to go up there myself in interview attire, find the other nurse manager and re-present my application in person.

When I arrived, I located the nurse manager’s office and eagerly made my way there, resume and cover letter in hand. However, when I arrived I found that she had just left for a long weekend—I’d missed her by two hours. My thrill ride was over.

I went outside and sat on a bench for about 20 minutes, just thinking and trying to figure out what to do. I don’t know why I felt inclined to stay--it’s not like she was going to come back—but I did anyway. I felt like I wouldn’t have peace about the hospice job until I had an answer from OHSU, but I knew that God sometimes (often) requires us to make hard decisions largely on our own. Finally, I decided that there was no harm in leaving my resume packet for the nurse manager when she returned, just in case I decided to postpone my job decision.

As I walked back in, I prayed that God would help me figure this out and find peace. I asked one of the office people to give her my packet when she returned, and they directed me to a lady in an office behind me. I handed her the envelope and briefly told her my story, and it turns out, she is the one who hires CNAs. I had gotten the wrong name. The one who had left for the weekend had nothing to do with the job I applied for, but if I hadn't come back I never would have known. She had already hired someone for the position but we chatted a bit, and she gave me her card and all but promised me a job when another opening arises. I will keep my eyes open for job postings and maybe I can transition there sometime next year. In the meantime, I have accepted the hospice job and I can’t wait to start!

That day, God answered my prayers so clearly. I cried tears of joy the whole drive home (trying to keep it together at stoplights) because I was so overwhelmed by His provision. He nudged me to stay those extra 20 minutes and go back in to deliver my packet. He clearly shut the doors for OHSU at this time in my life and opened the doors for another wonderful opportunity. All of the little things I was concerned about had I gotten hired at the hospital are non-issues with my new job. This job is perfect for me in this time of life in so many ways (if you want to hear the lowdown, please ask me!).

I also received an email letting me know that my PA program has sent out all their interview invitations, and I didn’t get one. But I wasn’t even disappointed, because God has made Himself so evident in this whole process that I have complete confidence that if and when He wants me to get in, I will.

God is SO GOOD.

Teaching me to trust

This week has been crazy. I found out yesterday that I didn’t (99% sure) get into PA school this year, and that I didn’t get what I thought was my dream job—and I couldn’t be happier! God has absolutely blown me away with His faithfulness. He has answered my prayers so clearly and tangibly.

*I’ve split this post to make it more readable, so to continue the story click the link at the bottom*

As I’ve said in previous blog posts, this summer has been challenging for me. I’ve relished all the time with my family and finally being able to make Portland my home as an adult after only brief excursions and endless laudations on my part these last four years. I have enjoyed going to events and meeting a miscellany of people in a variety of places. But while my bold and determined personality is great for striking up conversations and landing job interviews, it makes it very difficult for me to be patient and relinquish control. I left nearly all of my close friends in Michigan (or Colorado) and I’ve been doing all I can to meet people here but it takes time for deep friendships to develop—and patience does not come naturally to me.

I have spent the last month and a half applying for jobs and waiting to hear back from Boston University PA program, and all of the unknowns kept building and the frustration kept mounting. I needed a job. I longed for friends. I wanted to be in school. I wanted to take the next step towards being a PA.

I prayed that God would help me be patient. That He would help me to really, fully trust. Honestly, I was afraid to trust Him completely because that meant that I would have to give up control—even though I really didn’t have control over anything in my life as it was.

Praying for God to change you is hard. Not only because it’s scary and nerve-wracking to let Him have access to you that deeply, but also because sometimes He waits a long time to respond. That is when the growth happens. God taught me several years ago to trust Him with the big picture of my life, and I really do. But then He reveals areas of my life that aren’t fully surrendered to Him, like when my joy faltered when my health failed me or when I realized that I was afraid to trust Him all the way.

At church we’re doing a sermon series on emotional health, and a couple weeks ago the pastor talked about the verse in Romans that says we are not slaves to fear, but children of God. Romans 8 is one of my favorite passages and God has taught me from it many times, and this verse all of a sudden had new meaning to me.

As a human, I AM a slave to fear. But as an adopted child redeemed by the Spirit, I am a slave no longer. That week I nervously made the decision to overcome fear in the power of the Holy Spirit and let God teach me to trust him fully. And you know what, friends? HE DID. Of course, the process of learning to trust is lifelong and by no means am I done, but I have experienced a major change. I really do trust Him so much more. I know that if I faithfully seek the Lord and actively listen for Him in the midst of my job and schooling pursuits, He will give me opportunities to serve and glorify Him—even if things are hard, unknown, or unexpected.

The Lord answered my prayer so evidently. I cried out to Him to help me trust, and He replied.

He is teaching me to trust, and it is amazing.

Continue to part 2 for the story :)

Unexpected

I just walked outside to water the front yard and heard the football game from the nearby high school. All my friends from Spring Arbor who are still in school are posting photos of their last first day or their new floor of freshmen, if they're an RA. We moved my sweet sister in to college a week ago, and she started classes on Wednesday. But for the first time in 18 years, I am not returning to school this fall and it's pretty weird.

This summer has been so full of transitions. Everything has changed, and honestly, that has been hard. But in the midst of the challenges, God has brought some pretty cool things into my life. A couple weeks before graduation, my mom called to let me know of a 2-month house-sitting opportunity, which I did for July and August, and an amazing full time job that I never would have pursued if God hadn't tossed it into my lap. This should come as no surprise, but I have found that when we open up our hearts and minds to any possibility, God will open doors to completely crazy and awesome things. I was planning on taking my CNA2 class (which I did) and applying for hospital jobs (which I'm doing now) but this summer I had the privilege of working as a personal support worker for Kate, a sweet young teenager with Down Syndrome.

I never thought I would be interested in working with people who had developmental disabilities. I had never known anyone with a disability before, and while I wasn't uncomfortable with the idea I just figured it wasn't my thing, I probably didn't have the knack. But as soon as my mom told me that a woman from church was looking for somebody to work with her daughter, I knew I wanted to do it. I was so excited to get to know Kate and spend time with her, and give God the opportunity to grow and stretch me.

Over the course of the summer, Kate and I have baked together, done spelling and vocab (she is sharp and has a great memory), gone on outings around town and taken public transportation, read lots of books together, written letters to friends and family, talked about God's faithfulness and trustworthiness, and grown to love each other. And about a month ago, I made an interesting realization. I no longer see Kate's disability anymore. She's just sweet, spunky, tenacious, clever, Kate. The other day she was talking a lot about an appointment she was apprehensive about, and when I was in the kitchen doing something else she started praying out loud. She understands that even though life can be scary, God's promises are true and He promises to be with us at all times.

Working with Kate has often been challenging, but also rewarding. I've loved getting to know her and developing a friendship with her mom. It has been so cool to see how God has used this twist in my projected plan for my life to stretch and teach me, and show me that His plan is always greater. I can't wait to see what other surprises He brings in the future.

CASPA: The application

This blog has always been centered around what God is teaching me in each season of life, and I don't intend on changing that--but this season of life is my application process to PA school and I want to document each step of the way. There are many emotions involved in this time-consuming and often expensive process (not as much for me since I only applied to one school). I know that as I hope and wait, God will continue to show His sovereignty in my life, whether or not I get in this year.

I am VERY hopeful and optimistic that I will get in, or at least land an interview. Not only is that simply my personality, but I also think that the program is a very good fit for me and I feel like I am a competitive applicant. My motto is: Someone has to get in, it might as well be me! I was trying not to get my hopes up, and I was pretty neutral about it until I actually opened the centralized application a few months ago. Now there's no denying--my hopes are UP. I lay in bed rehearsing answers to interview questions. I think about my essays constantly. (I wrote one in July about why I wanted to be a PA, and I'm now finishing up three more for my school's supplemental app.) I have imagined my reaction after receiving my acceptance email countless times (complete with misty eyes).

However, while I don't think that I will be completely devastated if I don't get in, I really have no idea how I will respond. Usually when I don't get something I was hoping for, I just go with the flow and move on pretty quickly. But never before have I put such a monumental amount of effort and time into something, a something that happens to be my biggest dream and has been for as long as I can remember.

Those essays are tough. I am a good writer, but it is SO hard to know what to write about, if the things I say and stories I tell will come across pretentious or humble or fake or genuine, if the experiences I choose are meaningful and interesting. It is also nervewracking to know that my essay is the ticket to the interview. It's the snippet of my personality and passion that the admissions committee reads to decide if they want to meet me in person. If the essay doesn't catch their attention, there will probably be no interview. That's a lot of pressure on me to make the essay just right. I have spent tons of time on these four short essays (and yes I know I'm switching back and forth between plural and singular but writing those stressful things has consumed my life of late so give me a break, at least here I can write however I want--and I just spelled "here" "hear" AAHH). When I turned in my first one, I hated it because I had spent so much time with it. Upon reading it again a month later, I realized it was actually good. The last three I'm turning in today (and I don't hate them so maybe that's a good sign).

But you know what? I once heard somebody say that God is not going to let some human get in the way of His plan. If and when He wants me to get in to PA school, I will. Maybe because, maybe despite of my essay. He is greater. He can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine. Oh and if you're working on your own CASPA essay, PRAY about it. A lot. Why should we try and do hard things like that on our own without His strength?

It's not easy for me to trust with something as big and important as this. But God gave me this passion, and He will use it as He sees fit. He is faithful. And luckily He is patient with me, and He is still sovereign even when I try to do stuff on my own. So when I submit my last three essays today, my PA school application will finally be totally complete, and I will move on to the waiting part. It will be the time to focus on the One who made it all possible, and let Him help me trust. (And hopefully STOP planning how I'll announce to social media that I got in.)

If I can make Jesus the object of my passion, I will never be disappointed because He will never change. And pursuing Him is one thing I can do without the permission of an admissions committee. :)

How beautiful are the feet

I've had several ideas floating around in my head for blog posts for a while now so I decided to try and combine them all into one (and throw brevity to the wind). The past year or two I've struggled with an overarching theme of spiritual dryness. I have written about those feelings before, and they've come and gone several times, and this summer after I graduated it all started to make more sense. It has been an interesting transition. I don't really have many friends here; most of my high school friendships have drifted apart and the ones that remain now span many miles. I've been working, housesitting, reading, and spending time on my PA school application (which, by the way, has been submitted and I'm now working on the Boston University supplemental app). I've made a couple of new potential friends, but close friendships typically take time and effort and I'd kind of forgotten about that. All that to say, I've had my lonely moments but for the most part this summer has been busy, productive, and fun.

*Beware, the following paragraphs have some very unattractive but real struggles.*

Anyway, throughout the adjustment process, I finally figured out that God actually expects me to do something in this relationship (whaatt?). Making God my priority and giving Him back His time every day has always been difficult for me because I'm a distracted procrastinator (except with schoolwork because I'm a nerd). Oh and also a sinful selfish human. He is faithful even when I'm not, and He blesses me so much with joy, provision, growth, and incredible friends and family that encourage me in my walk.

But when I got home from college, I felt like a fake Christian. I hate to even say it, but that's the truth. I was so disconnected from God that when people prayed around me, I felt like I was lying to all these people by letting them believe that I had a strong relationship with Him. The very idea that I was feeling that way made me literally feel sick. I didn't tell anyone because I felt foolish and embarrassed. I wondered if I was one of those condemned people that Jude talks about. It seemed like my attempts to to worship and connect were futile. I wanted God more than ever, but I didn't know what else to do. I was impatient.

The day I finally had the courage to journal about it to God (since writing it down makes it real), He answered my prayers and let me feel His presence in the worship at church. I kept praying and seeking Him (albeit fairly infrequently) and then about a month later I figured out that the reason I felt so distant and fake was because my mind and time were not truly committed to him (duh). Quote from my journal:

Being a Christian has changed from something that was easy and (relatively) effortless. I saw you working, you gave me incredible friends to encourage me in my walk, and I felt pretty close to you even when I didn't make much of an effort. But now you're requiring more from me. You want me to actually live out the commitment I officially made on January 4th. Following you and knowing you is a lifetime commitment that endures, changes, and grows--like a marriage. You don't change, but I do. And just like a marriage, I have to choose every day to keep loving You.

God gives us what we need when He knows we need it, and I wasn't ready for the change. But He is patiently teaching me to be faithful, and He has fanned the flame of evangelism. I think that the most important part of knowing the Lord is doing everything we can to help others know Him too. I am finally hungry for scripture again, because I want to know God more. And I know that without submersion in the Word, not only will I fail in my attempts to become more Christlike, I will not be able to defend my faith and give the reason for the hope that I have.

The Word of God is LIVING AND ACTIVE. God reveals Himself through it in new ways all the time. It is full of profound wisdom. Through the Bible, God convicts, encourages, instructs, and comforts. It is truth.

"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?

And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?

How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"

Trusting (is) hard

I really miss blogging! My sister often posts her recent spiritual musings as facebook statuses and her most recent one was asking for thoughts on sacrifice and what that looks like in our cushy lives. I posted two super long comments and then decided I had to write a blog post because it's been WAY too long (I missed the whole month of May!).

First, let me update. I now have a college degree. I have moved back to Oregon. I'm currently in the process of FILLING OUT MY PA SCHOOL APPLICATION. I have a couple of jobs lined up. I'm (mostly) relishing the challenge of finding new friends that don't live 2000 miles away.

And I'm trusting God so hard.

I don't think I've ever talked about my heart for foster kids and they've been on my mind a lot lately. A few years ago God began tugging at my heart for the kids in the foster care system. Our society is obsessed with having biological kids, when there are half a million kids in foster care in the United States, just waiting for someone to choose them, to love them. I don't think there's anything sinful about IVF or fertility treatments, but as a Christian, who was adopted as a daughter of the Father (Romans 8:15), I think that adoption is an incredible opportunity to love, like Jesus, the people that so many others have forgotten. Not only that, but there is a clear call in scripture to care for the orphans. It is absolutely heartbreaking how many kids live in homes where they are abused, neglected, ignored, and simply unloved--and unfortunately some of these are foster homes. I can't stand by and let this happen. I am so thankful to attend a church that is very focused on outreach to kids in the foster care system, because it provides opportunities for me to begin to learn about the kids and their lives, and start preparing for the day when God brings my first child into my life.

There is an amazing ministry called Royal Family Kids Camp, run by local churches all over the country and even some international locations, that allows for kids in the county to go to camp for a week and be noticed, loved, listened to, appreciated, and celebrated. My mom has counseled for the past two years at the camp that our church does and I've been dying to go ever since she started, but it wasn't really plausible because I missed all the spring training, being in Michigan. This year, I was planning to go out for a couple evenings and help with events. Some of the events they do are a carnival with games and prizes, everybody's birthday party, and formal dinner (for which all the kids get tuxes and dresses to wear and ride around in a limo). But at the training the director mentioned that one of the counselors had to drop out and they were looking for another female to take her place so her two campers could still come.

My heart jumped a little, even though I knew that I could never do it without the training, plus I have a job and I'm house/dog-sitting. But afterwards, the director came to talk to me and after hearing my passion (and maybe he saw my eyes filling with tears during his stories) and finding out that I'm my mother's daughter (everyone knows her) he asked me if I'd consider doing it. I barely made it to the parking lot before I started bawling. He needed a decision within 24 hours, so that evening and following day were spent doing lots of praying and looking into details. As it turned out, another person had said she could go, which was great because I hadn't yet gotten a clear answer from God yet, and my prayer was that He would fill the spot with the exact person that the two little girls needed, whether or not it was me.

To make a long story short, I eventually ended up getting everything worked out on my end so I could go for the whole week and help, but it turned out that they were set for staff. Even though God seemed to be opening all the doors for me to go, in the end, He had other plans. I'm still going to go out for three days to work the special events, and that will be great. But even though I'm a little disappointed I can't spend the whole week at camp, I trust that God has something else in mind. And through it all, I was reminded of how crucial it is to constantly be in the Word, seeking Him, and consciously allowing the Holy Spirit to come in and take control of my mind and life. Even when--especially when--nothing "exciting" is on the horizon. Because if I know Him and recognize His voice (which only comes after much time spent together), when big decisions or hardships or joys come, I will see Him and know Him, and He can reveal His will and character to me that much more easily.

I'm in a stage in my life where the only thing that is for sure is my Jesus. I had to trust Him as I waited for God to reveal an answer about Royal Family. I have to trust Him as I prepare to spend time with those kids, so that I can simply love them and have the right words to make them feel absolutely valued. I have to trust Him as I put together my essay for PA school, which is my ticket to an interview--a lot is riding on those 5000 characters. I have to trust Him as I wait for my future man, and look forward to the day when we can adopt our first child (or set of children). I have to trust Him as I seek out new service opportunities and new friends. It's weird and hard (some days more than others) to be in a place that's so familiar, but without any close friends. But you know what? The thing that really matters, every day, no matter where I am, is that I choose God, one hundred percent. He WILL use me to accomplish His purposes, as long as I am fully committed to Him, seeking His will, and actively glorifying Him so that more may find the grace and truth of the gospel.

Love so amazing, so divine, DEMANDS my soul, my life, my all.
Lord help me to trust.

Blessed to be here

The reality of graduation is sinking in.  In 40 days that I know will fly by, I will be walking across the stage in my cap and gown, showing my family around the amazing place that has become my home, and saying goodbye to the most wonderful friends that have become my family.  It will be the epitome of bittersweet, and even now I'm counting the days until I finally get to be done with my undergrad, while also never wanting to bid farewell to the people.  My motivation is shriveling and dying due to the very real diseases of senioritis and burnout (the latter of which I found out actually has psychological and physical symptoms, several of which I am experiencing).  It is pretty crazy how fast four years of college fly by.  And my baby sister is now a beautiful, smart, passionate, caring, prayerful and Christ-loving adult, graduating from high school a few weeks after my ceremony.

There are so many things I want to say but I don't know where to start so instead, here are photos of this year, not in chronological order.

After a fun line-dancing event, there were lots of chips and salsa left over and college students can never have too much (many?) chips and salsa, so Steph and I took it home in cups and Walmart bags.  She is always up for an adventure, is constantly seeking to know Christ better and become more like Him, encourages others and speaks truth.  Stephanie and I are total nerds (library dwellers) and like to geek out, laugh, and challenge each other.  I've grown so much as a Christian being her friend, and I can't wait to see how God uses her in the future.

L to R: Paige and John are two very sweet fellow science majors (and recently engaged), me, Lydia is a biology grad and my sweet pal and kindred spirit, and Amber (also a bio major) is my lovely and kind roommate.  This day was a perfect fall trip to the farm, complete with pumpkins, donuts, roasted corn, and a hayride.

Blenders are not easy to use.  This smoothie was so labor intensive and messy that it almost wasn't worth it.  Notice the red all over my hands?  Smoothie.  I think it took us almost an hour.

This is my dear friend Zack and me at the lighting of the Christmas tree in downtown Lansing.  We've been buds since my freshman year and we also did the Guatemala semester together.  Zack and I have a unique and wonderful friendship and we like to sing and make music together, speak Spanish, and enjoy each other's company.  He is passionate, goofy, talented, and is always striving to draw closer to God's heart.  God has blessed me and taught me with our friendship. (Also, Zack if you're reading this, I'm currently listening to the Gray Havens.)

Here's a picture of Zack without winter clothes so you can see what he actually looks like.  Also see how pretty Spring Arbor is in the summer?

Emily happened to visit during this winter's coldest week.  It was in the negatives during the day.
"Ugh, you look so classy and I look like a snowman!"

Man I love this gorgeous girl.  (By the way, we are at IKEA and she is holding a stuffed carrot.  During this trip I also bought a stuffed rat named Rutabaga.)

I think Lydia is the only person I know who can match my enthusiasm level.  Together we can get to the point where people stare and wonder if something is wrong with us--I am not exaggerating.  This beautiful girl and I hit it off from the start with our zeal for life and excitement for a future in medicine.  Her family became my family and my inner country girl was happy at Lydia's house.  She loves the Lord and is a genuine and wonderful friend.  This picture was taken the night we went to a Josh Turner concert, which was AMAZING.  Lydia has also kindled my love for country music.

I also met Jed during my first couple weeks of college, and he has become a true brother to me.  He knows me well and loves me despite my quirks and wild emotions, and I am so thankful for his faithful love for Christ, humor, kindness, and friendship.  He is now with a wonderful, vibrant woman and I could not be happier for them.  Jed is a huge blessing to me and many others and I love him a lot.

Amber and I visited the world's largest Christmas store, Bronner's CHRISTmas Wonderland.  After 4 years in Michigan, it was about time I made it out there.  Amber and I met when Lydia and I invited ourselves to stay at her house because we needed a place to stay, and we were known as the three musketeers of the science department after that.  Amber and I are now roommates, and she is such a blessing to me.  We love cooking and baking and our kitchen is always active, and we get great joy from watching musicals together and being hardcore science nerds.  Amber is incredibly thoughtful and caring and never lets anyone's birthday or special occasion slip by without a celebration.

I came down to Jed's hometown during spring break (for the first time in four years) and he showed around, took me out to lunch, and we visited his house.  It was a great day :)

This is me, pouring plates of agar for bacteria to grow in.  This room is the biochemistry lab where I  have spent many hours both in class and working as a lab assistant.  I love my work here and I'm going to miss being in the lab.

Well, that is a lot of pictures.  But I think it gives you an idea of why I love these people so much. I'm glad I've been taking so many pictures this year.  Of course there are still friends of whom I do not have photos, but I love them too.  If you want to come surprise me at graduation, I would love to see you!! My post about spring break will come eventually--I haven't forgotten.

Oh my gosh I'm just so thankful and joyful.  God is good and I am blessed--and so are you.  I don't really have a message for this post other than that.

"Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain."

A spring break adventure

Helloo! The month of February absolutely flew by with nary a blog post.  Oops.  Seriously though, I cannot believe how fast this semester is going.  Ten weeks from tomorrow I will be graduating from college.  Today, Friday, is already the first day of spring break (though, granted, it is super early this year).  And I am excited to announce that I have quite an experience lined up for this upcoming week!

Tomorrow, I will be taking a bus to Grand Rapids where I will be interning at a large homeless ministry.  I'm going to stay in the women's shelter and eat with the guests, essentially being homeless for a week, sleeping during the day and working in the public inebriate clinic during the night shift.  I've always had a heavy heart for homeless people because are so often forgotten.  Sure, we all know that cities have large homeless populations, but it's easy to look the other way when we see people sleeping in doorways, stumbling across the street, or sitting with their dogs and cardboard signs.  Hailing from Portland, I've grown up around many homeless people and I've always loved reaching out and getting to know them, serving them however I can.

When I was in Guatemala, I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because I didn't feel some overwhelming sense of heartbreak and the drive to do something for the poverty that I saw.  Of course it was difficult to see the need and disparities that exist, and I really struggled when we visited the Guatemala City dump.  But during one of our trips to the city, I passed a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk and tears sprang to my eyes.  It was then that my heart broke, and I realized that God was calling me to work with the homeless and the impoverished in the United States.  There were other factors that helped make this clear to me, but my heart is truly with the forgotten populations of my own home country.  I want to use my medical training to provide healthcare to the homeless and poor people who do not have good access, or the funds to pay for it.

I'm very excited for my spring break serving the homeless people of Grand Rapids, and I hope that God shines brightly through me.  I am anticipating the switch of night and day to be very challenging, and most likely migraine-inducing, along with the diet change.  So I would love your prayer that God will keep my mind alert and relatively headache-free.  I don't really know what to expect this week since I don't know much more than what I put in this post.  But I know that I will get a glimpse of the brokenness and pain that affects so many people, the pain that many try to numb with alcohol.  I hope that God opens my eyes this week, and draws me closer to Him and to His heart. :)

Guest post: Little choices

My beloved and wise roommate-for-two-years Steph came over today to eat chili and hang out, and while I finished lunch she read my three January posts and wrote a response, since she’s sick and isn’t talking today.  She always has good insight and is wonderful at articulating her thoughts in writing, so when I read these paragraphs, I knew I wanted them to comprise my first guest post.  Enjoy :)

“‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.’  I need to say no to all of those things I choose to do instead of spending time with God.”

I really enjoyed reading these posts. That is the perfect verse to describe how often we need to ignore our personal feelings and preferences and choose to do what we believe God would want us to based on His Word and what we know of His character. Occasionally we WILL feel like picking up our cross, because we are on the mountaintop and see clearly how much we want to love God and serve Him. But most of the time, we will not want to. We will want to do something else. We need to learn to make choices to obey not based on our feelings, but based on what we KNOW to be true even if we don’t feel it.

I always used to tell me campers (haha - my - but I’ll leave it in pirate speak) that our one choice to follow Jesus with our lives needs to be followed up with a million little choices. Our one choice begins the journey, but we will continually have to make choices for the rest of our lives to stay on that track towards God. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. So we cry out to the Holy Spirit daily for help, and ask for forgiveness when we fail. As Paul in Philippians 3 reminds us, we have not already obtained this at arrived at our goal - but we PRESS ON to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of us. Pressing on is not passive or easy.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about discipline, and the external things we do to serve God (going to church, reading our Bibles, praying, etc.). These things do not save us or even contribute to our salvation at all - our HEART is what God is after. But those things are still important tools to keep us on the right track. As Prof. Brent Cline helpfully quotes some other guy he once knew, “We do these things because we love God and so that we will love God.” Doing those things does not save us, does not make God prouder of us than He already is, does not make us a good person, does not make us a good Christian. BUT those things are what can help keep our heart in tune with Him.

Being a Christian is HARD

My three posts for the month of January all go together.  For the sake of my readers, I just couldn't cram everything into one post, but I would love it if you read them all (they're not too long, I promise).  Start here: All things new, then Why follow?, then you can read this one :)

I'm not one to shy away from talking about hard things on my blog.  But usually I try and wait until God begins to teach me through my challenges, or gives me hope, or brings some kind of redemption, so that my posts can be an encouragement to my readers.  Today, I'm not going to wait for resolution because I've been struggling for a long time and I don't think it's going to end soon.

It is SO HARD for me to maintain a faithful relationship with God because He is not something that I can easily feel, see, or hear.  I know that I want to follow Him--I live in freedom only because of His grace, and I live at all only because He chose to give me breath.  Yet every day is a struggle of the will--my desire to follow him competing with my nature's desire to satisfy my want (not need) for instant gratification.  I wake up, and know that I need to give God time.  I want to pray, and worship, and read His word to get to know Him more.  I want to hear His heart and know His wisdom.  As the morning passes, and I putter around my kitchen, work on homework, listen to music, browse Instagram, and put away laundry.  I put God off.  I know from experience that if I don't give Him time in the morning, my chances of having quiet time with my Creator decrease exponentially.  Sometimes, especially on Sunday mornings for a few hours before church, I intentionally have a Sabbath and it is always refreshing to make Him the focus of my morning.  But I hate to admit that more often than not, I consciously choose to do other things.

And then, I wonder: Why do I not feel God's presence?  Why isn't He revealing his wisdom to me?  Why do I feel like I'm talking to an empty room?

Really though, the answer is obvious. I'm not giving Him a chance!

God created me for relationship and He wants nothing more than for me to respond to Him.  He wants me to feel His physical presence that defies natural law, and be filled with His fullness.  He wants to reveal His wisdom and give me guidance.  He wants me to be assured that when I pray, He is listening in real time.  But He's not going to force Himself on me.  If I don't take the time and make the effort to fully remove myself from distractions and pray, or read His living word, or sit quietly to let Him speak to me, humble me, and fulfill me, nothing is going to change.

I've counted the cost.  I know what I committed to many years ago when I chose to follow Christ.  I have no doubt that He deserves me and I deserve nothing, though He chooses to fulfill my deepest desires if only I surrender to Him.

I have a lot of unknowns in my life and while I'm thankful for the peace that comes along with a short-term plan after graduation, there are a lot of things I need to figure out for the future.  I need God now more than ever.  But being a Christian is HARD.

You know what?  God just spoke to me, just now, with a verse I've heard a thousand times but never hit home for me.  I now fully, personally understand what Jesus meant when He said, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."  I need to say no to all of those things I choose to do instead of spending time with God.

I must deny myself, my desires, and say yes to God.  That's what it really means to be a follower of Christ.  It is not going to be easy.  It is going to be (and already has been) a lifelong journey.  It takes time and effort to establish the discipline of truly making God priority.  But the Holy Spirit gives me hope, as well as my fellow believers who are there to keep me accountable.  This is the public declaration of the commitment I expressed when I got baptized.  Praise God.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go spend some time with Him. :)

Why follow?

My three posts for the month of January all go together.  For the sake of my readers, I just couldn't cram everything into one post, but I would love it if you read them all (they're not too long, I promise).  Start here: All things new, then this one, then Being a Christian is HARD :)

During the week leading up to my baptism, I was spiritually attacked.  I started questioning everything I believe in and wondered if I even need to be a Christian.  I didn't stop believing in God or the truth of the Bible, but I asked myself why I even follow Him.  When I am busy or on vacation I hardly spend any time with God and I feel fine.  Lots of unbelievers somehow manage to make decisions and raise families and resolve arguments and be happy and help others without believing in God.  I knew I wanted to go to heaven, but for a few days I couldn't think of any other reason why I should be a Christian--and I didn't want it to be for a selfish reason.

I asked myself, why should I follow God?  Why should I give Him my time and my thoughts?  Life would be so much simpler if it was just about me.

One night I was lying in bed and I literally felt and heard the devil speak into my ear.  I can't remember what he said but the experience was pretty unnerving.  I spoke aloud to banish him from my room by the power of the Holy Spirit, read some praise Psalms (nothing drives Satan away like worshiping God), and listened to music until I fell asleep.

I thought and prayed about these questions and thoughts all week.  I knew they were important questions to think about.  The choice to be a Christian should not be made lightly.  Jesus tells us to consider the cost and really weigh the decision to follow Him.  However, I was kind of frustrated that in the days leading up to the public expression of my commitment and surrender to God, I was doubting whether I even wanted to follow Him at all.

I had to write my testimony for the pastor to read, and I felt like a fraud, writing all these meaningful things that Jesus taught me while simultaneously reconsidering my commitment.  But as I compiled thoughts and read through my past posts and faith statements, I started to remember why I choose a relationship with God.

He is the only thing that is constant and unchanging. His presence and love don't falter.

His power is the only way I can deeply, selflessly serve others.

He created me. If it weren't for God, I would not exist.  Each day is a gift from Him--permission to keep living and inspiration to keep loving.
He forgave me. He knew long before I was born that I was going to sin, choosing other things over Him. But He still gave me the incredible gift of forgiveness, and all I had to do was accept--and follow.

I love life.  I'm so glad I'm alive.  I wouldn't be here if He hadn't chosen to make me and give me breath, and He did that so that He could have a relationship with me.  If nothing else, I want to devote my life to God because He gave it to me.  I am so thankful that He chose to give me life.

All things new

My three posts for the month of January all go together.  For the sake of my readers, I just couldn't cram everything into one post, but I would love it if you read them all (they're not too long, I promise).  Start here, then Why follow?, then Being a Christian is HARD :)

Happy 2015! It's crazy to think of all the big things that will happen this year.

I will graduate from college.
My sister will graduate from high school and start college (WHAT.)
I will apply to PA school (also WHAT.)
I will say goodbye to Michigan for the last time.
I will apply for a real adult job.
(just to name a few)

And, something big has already happened this year: I got baptized!!

I've been a Christian for pretty much my whole life but I had never been baptized. The past few years Jesus has been teaching me many things and showing me all the ways that my human nature threatens to take control of my life and push Him out.  I try to surrender and give Him control but it is SO hard to overcome my sinful nature just by trying really hard (actually, I think it's impossible).  That's what the Holy Spirit is for.  My theme verse for the semester has been the passage that includes Ephesians 3:16, where Paul is praying that the power of the Holy Spirit will allow Christ to dwell in the hearts of the people, in their innermost beings.  I love that!  I love that I can pray for the power of God to help me let Him in and let Him reign.  He understands how hard it is to surrender.

A month or two ago, I decided that I was done trying to surrender and done pointlessly waiting to get baptized.  Baptism is a physical, concrete surrender of my life and everything in it and offering it all to God.  And since I'm such a physical person, I needed to do a tangible act of surrender.  I called my dad and asked my sister (who also wanted to get baptized), and we decided to do it together over Christmas break.  It was really amazing to be able to make this commitment to our Lord together.  (In case you're wondering, my mom got baptized about ten-ish years ago.)  I'm hoping to get photos soon so I can post one or two for you all to see.

I'm glad that I was able to start off my new year, a year of so many changes and so many firsts, with a renewal of my commitment to Christ.