I'm not one to shy away from talking about hard things on my blog. But usually I try and wait until God begins to teach me through my challenges, or gives me hope, or brings some kind of redemption, so that my posts can be an encouragement to my readers. Today, I'm not going to wait for resolution because I've been struggling for a long time and I don't think it's going to end soon.
It is SO HARD for me to maintain a faithful relationship with God because He is not something that I can easily feel, see, or hear. I know that I want to follow Him--I live in freedom only because of His grace, and I live at all only because He chose to give me breath. Yet every day is a struggle of the will--my desire to follow him competing with my nature's desire to satisfy my want (not need) for instant gratification. I wake up, and know that I need to give God time. I want to pray, and worship, and read His word to get to know Him more. I want to hear His heart and know His wisdom. As the morning passes, and I putter around my kitchen, work on homework, listen to music, browse Instagram, and put away laundry. I put God off. I know from experience that if I don't give Him time in the morning, my chances of having quiet time with my Creator decrease exponentially. Sometimes, especially on Sunday mornings for a few hours before church, I intentionally have a Sabbath and it is always refreshing to make Him the focus of my morning. But I hate to admit that more often than not, I consciously choose to do other things.
And then, I wonder: Why do I not feel God's presence? Why isn't He revealing his wisdom to me? Why do I feel like I'm talking to an empty room?
Really though, the answer is obvious. I'm not giving Him a chance!
God created me for relationship and He wants nothing more than for me to respond to Him. He wants me to feel His physical presence that defies natural law, and be filled with His fullness. He wants to reveal His wisdom and give me guidance. He wants me to be assured that when I pray, He is listening in real time. But He's not going to force Himself on me. If I don't take the time and make the effort to fully remove myself from distractions and pray, or read His living word, or sit quietly to let Him speak to me, humble me, and fulfill me, nothing is going to change.
I've counted the cost. I know what I committed to many years ago when I chose to follow Christ. I have no doubt that He deserves me and I deserve nothing, though He chooses to fulfill my deepest desires if only I surrender to Him.
I have a lot of unknowns in my life and while I'm thankful for the peace that comes along with a short-term plan after graduation, there are a lot of things I need to figure out for the future. I need God now more than ever. But being a Christian is HARD.
You know what? God just spoke to me, just now, with a verse I've heard a thousand times but never hit home for me. I now fully, personally understand what Jesus meant when He said, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me." I need to say no to all of those things I choose to do instead of spending time with God.
I must deny myself, my desires, and say yes to God. That's what it really means to be a follower of Christ. It is not going to be easy. It is going to be (and already has been) a lifelong journey. It takes time and effort to establish the discipline of truly making God priority. But the Holy Spirit gives me hope, as well as my fellow believers who are there to keep me accountable. This is the public declaration of the commitment I expressed when I got baptized. Praise God.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go spend some time with Him. :)
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