This blog has always been centered around what God is teaching me in each season of life, and I don't intend on changing that--but this season of life is my application process to PA school and I want to document each step of the way. There are many emotions involved in this time-consuming and often expensive process (not as much for me since I only applied to one school). I know that as I hope and wait, God will continue to show His sovereignty in my life, whether or not I get in this year.
I am VERY hopeful and optimistic that I will get in, or at least land an interview. Not only is that simply my personality, but I also think that the program is a very good fit for me and I feel like I am a competitive applicant. My motto is: Someone has to get in, it might as well be me! I was trying not to get my hopes up, and I was pretty neutral about it until I actually opened the centralized application a few months ago. Now there's no denying--my hopes are UP. I lay in bed rehearsing answers to interview questions. I think about my essays constantly. (I wrote one in July about why I wanted to be a PA, and I'm now finishing up three more for my school's supplemental app.) I have imagined my reaction after receiving my acceptance email countless times (complete with misty eyes).
However, while I don't think that I will be completely devastated if I don't get in, I really have no idea how I will respond. Usually when I don't get something I was hoping for, I just go with the flow and move on pretty quickly. But never before have I put such a monumental amount of effort and time into something, a something that happens to be my biggest dream and has been for as long as I can remember.
Those essays are tough. I am a good writer, but it is SO hard to know what to write about, if the things I say and stories I tell will come across pretentious or humble or fake or genuine, if the experiences I choose are meaningful and interesting. It is also nervewracking to know that my essay is the ticket to the interview. It's the snippet of my personality and passion that the admissions committee reads to decide if they want to meet me in person. If the essay doesn't catch their attention, there will probably be no interview. That's a lot of pressure on me to make the essay just right. I have spent tons of time on these four short essays (and yes I know I'm switching back and forth between plural and singular but writing those stressful things has consumed my life of late so give me a break, at least here I can write however I want--and I just spelled "here" "hear" AAHH). When I turned in my first one, I hated it because I had spent so much time with it. Upon reading it again a month later, I realized it was actually good. The last three I'm turning in today (and I don't hate them so maybe that's a good sign).
But you know what? I once heard somebody say that God is not going to let some human get in the way of His plan. If and when He wants me to get in to PA school, I will. Maybe because, maybe despite of my essay. He is greater. He can do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine. Oh and if you're working on your own CASPA essay, PRAY about it. A lot. Why should we try and do hard things like that on our own without His strength?
It's not easy for me to trust with something as big and important as this. But God gave me this passion, and He will use it as He sees fit. He is faithful. And luckily He is patient with me, and He is still sovereign even when I try to do stuff on my own. So when I submit my last three essays today, my PA school application will finally be totally complete, and I will move on to the waiting part. It will be the time to focus on the One who made it all possible, and let Him help me trust. (And hopefully STOP planning how I'll announce to social media that I got in.)
If I can make Jesus the object of my passion, I will never be disappointed because He will never change. And pursuing Him is one thing I can do without the permission of an admissions committee. :)
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