God closes doors because He is good

It's funny how God always seems to knock me off my feet with His goodness and sovereignty by shutting doors to things I thought were my greatest dreams in life. Maybe you remember last year when I didn't get the OHSU job I hoped for because of the possibility of starting PA school soon, and then ironically found out shortly afterwards that I didn't get in. Instead of giving me what I wanted, God opened the doors to a completely unexpected job in hospice home care. Over the following nine months, I was challenged to trust and depend on Him on a whole new level. I was blessed to work for an amazing company with great, compassionate coworkers who really cared about each of our patients and their families. I learned how to balance a full-time job, a time-consuming anatomy and physiology series, and the detailed PA school application process (and later job applications on top of everything else). I was able to sing and talk about my Jesus to many of my patients and their families.

It was a good season in a lot of ways, and I am very grateful for the lessons I learned in hospice that I will certainly take with me as I continue to pursue becoming a PA. But it was also one of the hardest, most stressful seasons of my life so far. The extensive driving, geographically spread-out appointments, and discontinuity of my days was exhausting, and while I loved many aspects of the job, I struggled to find energy during the week and de-stress on the weekends.

I had been considering reapplying to OHSU for a hospital CNA job, and one day in early May I decided to check their job site. There were quite a few openings, and all of a sudden I knew that God was giving me permission to leave my job and begin to pursue OHSU. I gave a five week notice and started to say my goodbyes to coworkers and patients. It was bittersweet, but I was excited about starting at the hospital (I was able to get hired before my hospice job even ended--God provided!) and being able to do something about my stress level. I ended my job, submitted CASPA to eight PA programs, and finished my A&P class. Finally, my stress started to dwindle. I had to learn how to relax again, but slowly I started to adjust.

I will get back to my intro soon I promise, I just had to give a quick life update. Anyway, I was ecstatic to have finally submitted my application to OHSU (Oregon Health and Science University for you non-Oregonians :), an amazing institution with a top-notch medical school and #5-ranked PA program. I have dreamed of going there since before high school. I was also beyond thrilled to begin a CNA job there, which I just started two weeks ago. Even though I've only been orienting on the floor in my unit for three days (which is a full 36-hour week), I absolutely love it. The hospital is where I've always wanted to be, and it is as great as I'd imagined. I hoped that I would get into PA school at OHSU and just stay on there forever.

Long story short, I found out a couple days ago that I did not get in. Not even an interview. It's weird to think that the school I'd always dreamed of attending is now out of the running. But when I got the email, I wasn't devastated, nor did I feel like my dreams were crushed.

I felt like God was saying, "I have a different plan, and it will be way better than what you could have envisioned."

He shut this door to my plan so gently and graciously, and instead of grieving my rejection, all I could think about was how beautiful and sovereign and trustworthy and good He is. Maybe I won't get into any PA program this year. Maybe (hopefully) I will get to try out a new state starting next summer. Maybe God has an idea that's altogether new.

But you know what's not a maybe? God. He is my refuge. My counselor. My wisdom. My peace.
He is my center.

Today in church the sermon was about prayer. Being in "constant, conscious, communion" with God the Father. This trains us to be dependent on and obedient to Him.

God used this closed door to remind me where my primary passion should lie. He has blessed me with the gift of trust, which is why I was able to read that email and see Him working. But I want to seek Him so deeply and consistently that in everyday moments, whether they be frustrating, joyful, sad, or quiet, my thoughts turn immediately to prayer.

I want the Spirit to be present and pervasive. I want to be in constant, conscious, communion with Him.

I will leave you with the words of the always-relevant Rend Collective:

I come in simplicity, longing for purity 

To worship You in Spirit and truth,

Only You.

Lord strip it all away, till only You remain 

 I'm coming back to my first Love,

Only You.