Transformed

God is so good.

I've been wanting to post for a while, especially because I haven't been posting very frequently recently, but honestly this week has been a little overwhelming and frustrating at times and I didn't want to whine.  So now that God is pulling me out of the slump, I will write about the past few days.  :)  This week, the middle school group was a little bit taxing.  Several of the kids are loud and often disruptive, and some of them just don't want to participate in anything.  So all of us middle school staffers had practice with patience, and I wasn't doing very well.  On the outside I was fine, but on the inside, especially a few days ago, I felt worn out and frustrated.  I've also been feeling overwhelmed with things I want to do and relationships I want to invest in--this goes back to the lessons God is teaching me about humility and my humanness and fallibility.  I can't do it on my own!  (The original post is here.)  I want to be someone who is always filled with the joy of the Lord, shining his love and light to everyone I interact with, no matter how tired or grumpy I may feel because of things in my life.  There were several days this week where I didn't feel like that and Satan took the opportunity to try and discourage me further.  Let me just say something here.  Satan wants us to fall away from God.  He wants us to try and be self-fulfilling.  He does discourage us and allow frustrations to affect our attitudes.  But God is more powerful.  Jesus came to destroy the work of the devil (1 John 3:8), and he will protect us.  We need to decide to put our trust in God and not in ourselves.  I prayed Romans 16:20 which says that the God of peace will soon crush Satan underneath my feet, and God began to refresh my spirit.  Last night after the kids left I felt exhausted and a little anxious for today.  I was going to go to bed and journal to God about all the things that were making me feel crappy, but instead I talked with Masai, my sweet Panamanian sister in Christ, for a while and I went to bed feeling ready to release my anxiety to God in a positive way, rather than dwelling on it.

The lesson for Friday mornings is about transformation.  Every week for this session, high schoolers and middle schoolers come together and a couple leaders share testimonies about how God has changed and transformed their lives and present the gospel message.  I am assistant supervisor for middle school, and I'm in charge on Fridays because the supervisor (the fantastic Brea!) is off, as well as another middle school leader who's been here for three years.  I also led worship this morning for the first time in my life.  Today is an important day and it could have been pretty overwhelming, and last night I wasn't feeling very ready.  But.

 I can't do it on my own.

I gave my day to God.  I asked him to use me and the other leaders to speak to the kids.  I asked him for energy and humility to take on the position of supervisor.  I asked him to give my voice strength for singing and speaking because I really beat it up yesterday.  And this morning, God was so present.  Worship went really smoothly and I wasn't nervous at all, and the other leaders on the "worship team" did great too.  Rhett, one of the high school leaders, and I shared our testimonies, and then he used the story of the prodigal son to demonstrate God's unimaginable reckless love for us.  At the end, we played music for a while and we went around to pray with individual kids.  It was incredible to see kids talking and crying and praying with leaders.  I pray that they will keep in mind what they heard today and grow to understand how much Jesus loves them and wants to be in relationship with them.

When I look back at who I was a few years ago, it is crazy to see how much God has stretched me and now has me doing things I never thought I would be comfortable doing.  A few years ago, I didn't like singing by myself around my friends because I was self conscious of my voice.  I hated speaking in front of groups.  I had never shared my testimony and didn't think mine was that interesting.  I didn't understand what it meant to give God all control and trust him.  Now, I love singing with and for people and leading worship was fun, not nerve-wracking.  God prepared me to be ready for this summer and now I can serve him with music.  I am comfortable speaking in front of groups and I enjoy it, whether it be leading a game, giving a presentation, or sharing my story.  I have written many versions of my testimony over the past couple years but as far as I can recall, I have never spoken it to a large group before this month.  I know my testimony is valid and relatable because God has transformed my life in a way that is meaningful to me, and I can share with others how I learned how much I need him.  And I trust God with my life.  Of course it's not always easy and I sometimes have power struggles with him (of course he always wins)--but I know that his plan prevails.  He can do immeasurably more than I could ever ask or imagine, and if I delight in him he will give me the desires of my heart and the humility to let his love show through me.

There is one more thing that God drove home yet one more time this week.  This is a lesson that I know is true but still fight.
Our deepest desires and needs for love, acceptance, guidance, and protection cannot be met by other people.  Human relationships are extremely important and God definitely intended for them to be beneficial, enjoyable, and stretching.  But, as I'm sure many of you can relate, when things get tough, often all I want to do is hang out with people and talk about my situation and try and fix the problems.  This may be fine for a while, but nothing will change unless I go to God.  Last night I was not mentally ready for today, and in my humanness, I just wanted to go be overwhelmed and talk to people.  But I knew that that wasn't going to help me.  I needed the Holy Spirit to fill me with his love and patience and boldness and joy--and that's not gonna come from any person except Jesus.  So when I went to bed I finally surrendered to God's nudging and whispering "Come back!  You need me!"  Alright God, you win.

I need God.  And when I go to him for help, he comes through.  Every time.