I've been practicing as a PA for nearly two years now, and my first job out of school wasn't what I anticipated in a number of ways and I had a hard time letting go of my expectations. I felt discouraged and confused, and I didn't know where God was taking me. I was hoping for a "fun" yet intense year of learning medicine by floundering in the deep end, and instead I found myself doing some very painful self-reflection and growth. I received difficult feedback that at the time I thought was largely due to misunderstanding (on the part of the feedback-giver), but I now realize pointed right to my heart.
One day as I was lamenting to my mom, she mused that I should consider maybe God's goal for that year was different than mine. Naturally my internal response was, "Well, that's a nice thought for someone else but this is supposed to be MY year! My dream job! Why would He take that away from me?" Then later, my mind was blown when I re-read some entries in my prayer journal written just a couple of months before I started that job. I'll let you read them below.
August 27, 2019: Can you help me be less defensive and more teachable? Can you help me be willing to look into and open up the ugliest places of my heart so that you can come clean them out and fill them with you?
Can you help me be humble? Can you help me let go of the things I want to hold onto? Can you help me have grace, with myself and my family? Can you help me truly love the people I love the most?
August 31, 2019: I really want you to soften and change me, so please enter into my heart and do your work. Please help me see challenges or frustrating interactions as opportunities to practice. Help me have grace, humility, patience, and kindness. Help me hold my tongue. Please let my words be life-giving.
God, please break down my defenses and help me see things from other people’s perspectives.
Friends, I cannot even describe how faithfully and specifically God began to answer these prayers. I've been praying for humility for many years, but either this was the first time I truly meant it or simply the time God felt was right. Every step of my journey in medicine has been God-directed, and often in a different direction than I originally planned. I think He needed more time to help me separate my identity from my career--what better way to work on that than in a first job? But of course, God doesn't answer prayers for humility by simply granting it. He provides the opportunity to learn it, and it is HARD. I still have a long way to go.
In case you're wondering why humility is something I seek, the biggest reason is that my pride hinders my ability to love others and see them the way Jesus does. When my view of the world is wrapped up in my own self-centeredness or self-superiority (i.e. the way I do/see things is superior to everyone else), I can't deeply love people (or myself, honestly).
During that challenging year (before I transitioned into a new job), God revealed so many things about myself that I either didn't realize before or refused to acknowledge. He showed me how deeply and intensely I desire control. He exposed the nasty, selfish, and tactless parts of me that emerge and take over my thoughts and sometimes my words when I lose a sense of control. He helped me come to terms with the fact that I really do care about what others think of me, far more than I'd care to admit. But you know what else? In the midst of all the learning and exposing, not only am I blown away by His faithfulness, I am also seeing His gentleness, amazed by His patience, and carried by His steadfastness.
When I wanted to hang onto Him like Corrie Ten Boom when I felt depressed and lonely, and instead just watched TV all day to make the days go by, He was with me. He didn't hold it against me, and He didn't think I was a bad Christian because I just couldn't muster the energy to lean into Him. He is steadfast.
When I felt like a horrible person and it seemed like I could do nothing right, at the time it seemed like too much to handle, an unfair burden when all I wanted was to learn. But now I see that that hard stuff was necessary so He could teach me what He needed to, and He gave me many good things to keep me going: My climbing buddies, in whom I found camaraderie and acceptance. The beautiful green space behind my apartment with miles of paths to walk. Far away friends and family who prayed for me and checked in on me, and let me cry at their house all weekend (that only happened once--love you guys). Sunlight and chirping birds on my days off when I didn't want to get out of bed. Colleagues all over the hospital who gave me little reminders that I still had worth and potential in medicine. He is gentle.
Finally, I feel like these lessons have been a long time coming--my whole life, really. But He waited for the right time to fully answer my prayer and He's loved me completely every second. No matter how much I hate myself in the moment for something I've said or a tendency I can't seem to shake, He never even considered leaving my side or loving me any less. He is patient.
This exposé of Erin's heart, authored by the Holy Spirit, is only the beginning. He's answered the first part of my prayer, and now the hard part starts--learning to surrender myself to Him. I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I know He can help. And above all, I know that He will continue to love me and remain steadfast as we continue along this road together.
No comments:
Post a Comment