*Beware, the following paragraphs have some very unattractive but real struggles.*
Anyway, throughout the adjustment process, I finally figured out that God actually expects me to do something in this relationship (whaatt?). Making God my priority and giving Him back His time every day has always been difficult for me because I'm a distracted procrastinator (except with schoolwork because I'm a nerd). Oh and also a sinful selfish human. He is faithful even when I'm not, and He blesses me so much with joy, provision, growth, and incredible friends and family that encourage me in my walk.
But when I got home from college, I felt like a fake Christian. I hate to even say it, but that's the truth. I was so disconnected from God that when people prayed around me, I felt like I was lying to all these people by letting them believe that I had a strong relationship with Him. The very idea that I was feeling that way made me literally feel sick. I didn't tell anyone because I felt foolish and embarrassed. I wondered if I was one of those condemned people that Jude talks about. It seemed like my attempts to to worship and connect were futile. I wanted God more than ever, but I didn't know what else to do. I was impatient.
The day I finally had the courage to journal about it to God (since writing it down makes it real), He answered my prayers and let me feel His presence in the worship at church. I kept praying and seeking Him (albeit fairly infrequently) and then about a month later I figured out that the reason I felt so distant and fake was because my mind and time were not truly committed to him (duh). Quote from my journal:
Being a Christian has changed from something that was easy and (relatively) effortless. I saw you working, you gave me incredible friends to encourage me in my walk, and I felt pretty close to you even when I didn't make much of an effort. But now you're requiring more from me. You want me to actually live out the commitment I officially made on January 4th. Following you and knowing you is a lifetime commitment that endures, changes, and grows--like a marriage. You don't change, but I do. And just like a marriage, I have to choose every day to keep loving You.God gives us what we need when He knows we need it, and I wasn't ready for the change. But He is patiently teaching me to be faithful, and He has fanned the flame of evangelism. I think that the most important part of knowing the Lord is doing everything we can to help others know Him too. I am finally hungry for scripture again, because I want to know God more. And I know that without submersion in the Word, not only will I fail in my attempts to become more Christlike, I will not be able to defend my faith and give the reason for the hope that I have.
The Word of God is LIVING AND ACTIVE. God reveals Himself through it in new ways all the time. It is full of profound wisdom. Through the Bible, God convicts, encourages, instructs, and comforts. It is truth.
"Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. How then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?
And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?
How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!"
Thanks for your honesty. When you feel distant from God, remember He never moves. :) Life is full of momentary feelings. Stick to the facts when you wonder if something major has changed (like feeling like a fake Christian.) Satan wants to discourage us in this very way. Don't be duped by his lies. You know your relationship with God is not dependent on your emotions or your perfect behavior or thinking. Your conclusion is exactly correct: He loves you, He waits for you, and when you draw in close, you feel His presence because He has not moved. :)
ReplyDeleteThis season of change you are going through is no small potatoes. Transitions are hard.
This reminds me of 'hesed' and how we see the love of God through the lives and hearts of people around us. We see Him in the flesh and He ministers to us through people, just as (hopefully) He ministers to others through us. I think when we feel isolated from the body of Christ, we miss the 'hesed' of God. We also witness His character in the Word as we have seen recently in the book of Ruth. We see a young woman live out 'hesed' with her bitter mother-in-law and a perfect stranger, her husband's distant relative. We see His character in Ruth. Then, in Boaz as well, who helps these destitute women because He honors God and follows the traditional provisions that God has set up for His people. Most of all, we see God's 'hesed' in His care for all of them through each other. What a beautiful picture of our amazing God. He is so good.
As you dig into the Word anew, I encourage you to look for more evidences of who God is, what He's like in His character and in His heart toward His people. You can't help but love Him more when you see how He is through the stories of history since the beginning of time. I'm excited for you! It would be good to chew on Ruth some more, since you said you weren't getting much out of it. Try going back through the book and listing out all the evidences of 'hesed' and how it illuminates God as our heavenly father. I'd love to see your list!
Love you,
Mom